Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, thank you for coming in. I want to apologize for our little tiff earlier.
Sheldon: You're forgiven.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh. Great. I found something that might be of interest to you. An authentic signature from Richard Feynman.
Sheldon: Where did you get this?
Dr. Linkletter: Details aren't important.
Sheldon: Is this a restraining order?
Dr. Linkletter: Not important.
Sheldon: That's actually a really good way to get autographs. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Georgie: Dang, it's busy in here for a weekday.
Meemaw: Social Security checks landed.
Georgie: Hm. Getting paid just to be old... must be nice.
Meemaw: I ain't complaining.

Mrs. Howard: I can't believe you would rent this filth.
Mandy: It's not filth. It's Basic Instinct.
Mrs. Howard: Well, my husband was watching it and there was a woman in there who showed her hoo-ha.
Georgie: Yeah, she does.
Mandy: Come on, I mean, you don't see the whole thing. At most, you see a "hoo."
Georgie: If you see the "hoo," the "ha's" right there.

Meemaw: So you're saying we should just give in, after what that holy-rolling Muppet has done to your whole family?
Mandy: He does look like a Muppet.

Meemaw: [on the phone] I'd like to order five more copies of Basic Instinct and a couple more of Fatal Attraction. Is there anything else?
Mandy: Ooh, uh, get a Last Temptation of Christ. That'll really piss people off.
Meemaw: And a copy of The Last Temptation of Christ to really piss people off. Thank you.

Pastor Jeff: I'm just here to give you a heads-up. People are upset and I'd hate to see your business suffer.
Meemaw: Are you threatening me?
Pastor Jeff: No, uh, I'm sorry. Uh, let me just take off my pastor hat, put on my neighbor cap, and start again.
Meemaw: I'm gonna put on my hat, too. It's got a big foam finger on top of it. Guess which one.
Pastor Jeff: The naughty one?
Meemaw: Bingo. [closes door]

George: So, we were talking to the lawyer...
Missy: Here comes the divorce.
Mary: We are not getting divorced.
Missy: Then why do we have a lawyer?
George: Sheldon invented something that the university's interested in and it could be worth some money.
Missy: You always were my favorite brother.
Sheldon: This morning you licked your finger and put it in my ear.
Missy: That means I like you.

Dr. Linkletter: President Hagemeyer, a word.
President Hagemeyer: Here's a word: Out.
Dr. Linkletter: I understand you're moving forward with Sheldon's grant database. I was an intrinsic part of that.
President Hagemeyer: Hm, Sheldon didn't mention you.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course he didn't, that pint-sized little credit hog.

Pastor Jeff: Hey there, Connie. What brings you by?
Meemaw: I just wanted to drop off a little gift.
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing? I think you know how I feel about this movie.
Meemaw: I do. I also know how your wife feels about it.
Pastor Jeff: What?
Meemaw: She's rented it five times. That's a lot of shirtless Patrick Swayze.
Pastor Jeff: Must be some mistake.
Meemaw: There isn't. Shall we talk about Fatal Attraction?
Pastor Jeff: Do we have to?
Meemaw: Six times.

Pastor Jeff: Are you blackmailing me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Pastor Jeff: Well, it's not gonna work. I'm a man of principles and I stand by them.
Meemaw: And I respect that. So let's talk about what your church elders are renting.
Pastor Jeff: [scoffs] Oh, come on.
Meemaw: Want to know?
Pastor Jeff: Is it bad?
Meemaw: It's Porky's bad. [Pastor Jeff squeals] How your principles feeling now?
Adult Sheldon: I'm going to end this story so you don't have to see a grown man beg for mercy.
Pastor Jeff: Connie, please.

Mary: Shelly, this is for your future. We're just trying to make sure that you're taken care of.
Sheldon: I don't care about money.
Mary: Well, someday you might when you have your own wife and kids.
Sheldon: I don't see that happening.
Missy: No one sees that happening. And I say that with love.

Adult Sheldon: People say French is the language of love, but for me, nothing is sweeter than the exhilarating sounds of legalese. Ooh, la, la. The same could not be said for my parents.
George: Uh... And which one are we? "The- The party of the first part" or "the party of the second part"?
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] The first part, but either way, it's a party.

George: So, you really think this invention of Sheldon's could be worth something?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, who knows? Uh, most of the time, these things don't pan out. Could be something, probably nothing. Uh, that's just a formality.
Sheldon: But you said my grant database would make the university "boatloads of money."
President Hagemeyer: Well, that doesn't mean anything. Boats can be small. Ever hear of a canoe? Anyway, who needs a pen?

Mary: What's this about the university owning 90% and Sheldon only owning ten?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, that's just standard boilerplate.
Sheldon: Did you know that boilerplate originally referred to the roll of steel used as a template to create steam boilers, but then was adapted to the legal profession to describe the way companies use fine print to get around the law?
President Hagemeyer: Ugh, that fact is just so fun. You see? It is a party. And what's a party without Yoo-hoo? Can I get you a cold one?
Sheldon: Yes, please.
Mary: No.

Mary: We want to make sure that Sheldon is being treated fairly.
George: Yeah, maybe we should get our own lawyer to take a look at this before we sign anything.
Mary: Can we afford a lawyer?
[George and Mary look to Sheldon, who shakes his head]
George: Okay, w- we're gonna need some time to get back to you.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. You take all the time you need. You know, just because of all the nice things we've done for your son and for your family, no need to start trusting us now.
Sheldon: She took that better than I thought.