Dale: When I was married to June, she was going through the change.
George: Hmm.
Dale: She became downright frisky.
George: I think Mary's a little young for the change.
Dale: Well, you'd think. Nature's curious. I went to school with a kid whose hair turned gray in the tenth grade. We called him Whitey.
George: Clever.
Dale: He used to buy us liquor. Oh, anyway, what I'm saying is that have the family medic do a once-over on her. You know, kick the tires, see how she's rolling.
George: Yeah, thanks, Dale. I tell you my wife wants to have sex with me, you tell me she needs to see a doctor.
Dale: Well, I'm sorry. You making a woman hot, that's completely normal.

Dennis: Here you go, as advertised.
Meemaw: All right. Those look good.
Dale: Wait. Hold on. How do we know they work?
Dennis: What kind of operation you think I'm running here?
Dale: Well, I don't know. The word "sketchy" comes to mind.
Meemaw: Be cool.

Dale: Uh, I guess I'll have the waffles, and the lady will have, um... [clears throat] ...also waffles.

Meemaw: I've been thinking. We don't have to spend every night together.
Dale: Wow. You're preaching to the choir there, Connie. I've been lying awake here for an hour, wishing I were back home in my own bed.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Everything's the way I like it there. Got a TV in the bedroom and leave the seat up on the toilet. And thermostat's not set to storing meat.
Meemaw: I did turn the toilet paper around so it comes over the top like you like it.
Dale: Like the world likes it.
Meemaw: Don't start on this again.

Dale: What's that?
Georgie: What?
Dale: Two people sneaking around out there.
Georgie: What do we do?
Dale: I don't know.
Georgie: Well, should I turn the lights off?
Dale: Yeah, good. [Georgie turns the lights off] Now, wait a minute, if the lights are off, they're gonna think nobody's home.
Georgie: Oh, right. [Georgie turns the lights back on] But now they can see us.
Dale: Right. Off.

Meemaw: Hey, thanks for coming.
Dale: Ah, I'm not gonna pass on a free lunch. I'm no dummy. What you making?
Meemaw: Chicken salad.
Dale: [sniffs] Is it supposed to smell like that?
Meemaw: What? Oh, it's the baby.
Dale: Uh, yeah, and people keep having them. I don't get it.

Meemaw: I'm gonna give CeeCee a bath. Do you want to help?
Dale: Nah, I'm good.
Meemaw: Let me guess. You've never given a baby a bath either.
Dale: It was a different time. You gonna tell me your husband did all that stuff?
Meemaw: Not really.
Dale: Eh, you see? Look, you got a type.
Meemaw: Well, it's not the '50s anymore. I'm gonna give her a bath and you're gonna help.
Dale: Fine.
Meemaw: And afterward, you're gonna change her diaper.
Dale: Ah, man, I miss the '50s.
Meemaw: What was that?
Dale: Nothing, I'm coming.

Mandy: I'm not a lawyer, but you could make the argument that my child was kidnapped, twice. And you'd think Georgie would be on my side, but he wasn't even upset.
Meemaw: Well, you know, sometimes men can be... idiots.
Dale: Lovable idiots.

George: You want to see what she can do?
Dale: I want to see her go home.
George: Sorry?
Dale: Come on, I'm not gonna put a girl on the team.
George: Why not?
Dale: Why not? She's a girl. She's got pigtails.

George: At least let her throw a few. She got a hell of an arm.
Dale: George, you're a football coach, right?
George: Mm-hmm.
Dale: You gonna put a girl on your team?
George: It's different. It's a contact sport.
Dale: So is this. She gets up to bat, and someone deliberately throws a ball at her, it's gonna make contact.
George: You're not even gonna give her a chance?
Dale: No.
George: Come on, let's get out of here. I'm sorry, honey.
Missy: It's not your fault.
Dale: Bye-bye.

Georgie: You're a really good salesman.
Dale: Well, yeah. Not only that, I get a kickback on everybody I send down to Ed's.
Georgie: You're awesome.
Dale: I know.

Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!

Mary: So, how are you enjoying your first meal with our family?
Dale: Well, everybody's mean. I love it.

Dale: Boy, for a little guy, he's fast, ain't he?

Dale: Way to go. Perfect.
Missy: Thank you, God.
Dale: How about, "Thank you, Coach"?
Missy: Thank you, Coach.
Dale: Too late.