Meemaw: She spent 18 years with you. I'd rather learn from her.
Dale: So you can dig up a little dirt on me?
Meemaw: Mm, yeah.
Dale: Well, let me spoil it, then. She's gonna tell you about the time I had a little too much to drink on Halloween and I ended up puking in my son's candy bucket.
Meemaw: I bet she tells it better.
Dale: Then there was the time we had a fight - and I locked her out in a hailstorm.
Meemaw: Damn.
Dale: But in my defense, when I locked her out it, it was raining. The hail was heaven-sent.
Meemaw: You're a charmer.

Meemaw: So, you talk to June lately?
Dale: Uh, not in a couple of days. Why?
Meemaw: Oh, no reason. I was just kind of thinking about calling her myself. I mean, if you're okay with that.
Dale: You want to call my ex-wife, go ahead. Call her.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Dale: Yeah, you would.
Meemaw: Yeah, I would.

Meemaw: I think it's nice that y'all get along as well as you do.
Dale: Mm-hmm. Where are we going with this?
Meemaw: Oh, just nothing. Makin' conversation.
Dale: Okay.
Meemaw: You sleeping with her?
Dale: Lord, no. She's my ex-wife. Come on. Oh, my gosh, what kind of sicko sleeps with their ex-wife? Where is this coming from? Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No. I'd just like to know, you know, what kind of relationship we're in. I mean, are we seeing other people or what?
Dale: Connie Tucker, are you asking me to go steady?
Meemaw: You know what I'm asking, jackass.
Dale: [chuckles] All right, all right, all right. You listen to me. Now, I'm 72 years old. Do you think I have enough stamina to go playing around with other women?
Meemaw: You saying the only reason you're seeing me is you're too old and tired to see anybody else?
Dale: [sighs] Give me the Tums.

Dale: So, as long as we're on the subject, are you seeing anybody else?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: How about that nutty professor?
Meemaw: We're just friends.
Dale: Yeah, well, that's what June and I are... just friends.
Meemaw: So what are we?
Dale: I don't know. What do you want to call it?
Meemaw: I guess, a... committed relationship.
Dale: Mm. Works for me.
Meemaw: Okay. It's settled.
Dale: ... Connie. This relationship is suffocating me. [chuckles]

Meemaw: So, you playin' the Tigers on Saturday?
Dale: Should be an easy win. Their best player's parents are getting a divorce. He's pretty distracted.
Meemaw: Well, there's a lucky break.
Dale: I just hope it drags out through playoffs.

Meemaw: So how you feel about not pitchin' Missy?
Dale: Why would I do that?
Meemaw: Well, she's growin' up and she's going through some new stuff...
Dale: Oh, I don't want to hear about that.
Meemaw: No, no, no, she's... She's got a crush on a boy on the other team, and she's worried that if she strikes him out, that it will embarrass him.
Dale: Well, that's too bad, she's our pitcher. She's gonna do her job.
Meemaw: Well, she's also an 11-year-old girl with big feelings.
Dale: And I'm a cranky old man with no feelings.
Meemaw: Well, I've always thought that underneath that tough exterior, there was a shred of compassion.
Dale: Yeah, I know what you're doing.
Meemaw: What am I doing?
Dale: You're using your feminine wiles to get your way.
Meemaw: Mm-mm-mm. Smart and handsome.
Dale: You forgot tall.

Georgie: Why you back so soon?
Dale: None of your business. How'd it go yesterday?
Georgie: It was good. Until it wasn't.
Dale: What do you mean?
Georgie: I was helping a customer, and I guess I forgot to close the register, 'cause when I got back to it, all the money was gone.
Dale: Are you kidding me?
Georgie: I screwed up.
Dale: Did you call the police?
Georgie: I didn't want to get them involved. But I was gonna make it right. Here, take it. So we good?
Dale: You're fired.
Georgie: R-Really?
Dale: Get out of my store now.

Dale: Cheers. How is it?
Meemaw: Good. Yours?
Dale: A little watery.

Dale: Georgie, did I ever... tell you why I got married so young?
Georgie: You were in love?
Dale: No, because, when I was your age, I bought a similar vehicle.
Georgie: Cool. What was it?
Dale: Just get dressed.
Georgie: Okay.

Meemaw: What happened to you? You used to be fun.
Dale: Come on, I'm playing this stupid game with your grandkids.
Sheldon: That's rude.
Meemaw: Cut the crap. We both know this isn't you.
Dale: Oh, I can't win with you.
Meemaw: What does that mean?
Dale: Forget it.
Meemaw: No, I'm not gonna forget it. Talk to me.
Dale: I don't want to.

Dale: Speaking of this weekend, hey, my son needs a final head count.
Meemaw: Oh. It's a small wedding. It'll be weird if I'm there.
Dale: Aw, come on, I'm gonna be wearing a suit. I'm very sexy in a suit.

Meemaw: Haven't been to many weddings lately. Mostly funerals.
Dale: Yeah, those don't have an open bar. I don't know why I'm so excited. I'm paying for this.

Meemaw: So, how'd you two meet?
Dale: Oh, I've been cutting his mom's hair for years.
Meemaw: Oh, that's nice.
Dale: Bet you when she cuts your hair, you get a lollipop, don't you?
June: Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
Dale: Really? Is that so?
Meemaw: Dale.

Dale: What is she thinking?
Meemaw: Maybe she's thinking, "Why did I come here with this guy?" Wait, no, that's what I'm thinking.
Dale: You know what I'm talking about. She brought him here on purpose.
Meemaw: What purpose?
Dale: To upset me.
Meemaw: You know, Dale, not everything is always about you.
Dale: Well, you're mad at me, she's mad at me. It seems like it's all about me.
Meemaw: Well, you owe her an apology.
Dale: Like hell I do.
Meemaw: Then I'm gonna do it for you.
Dale: [whispers] No, wait. Connie, wait.
Meemaw: What?
Dale: Bring me back a beer.

June: Make it stop.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Oh. [answers phone] Who the hell is this?
Dale: Hey. Morning, sunshine.
Meemaw: What time is it?
Dale: 2:00 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, I mean, you had a wild night singing and everything.
Meemaw: How do you know that?
Dale: You called me at 3:00 in the morning.