42Quotes from ‘German for Beginners and a Crazy Old Man with a Bat’
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620. German for Beginners and a Crazy Old Man with a Bat
Aired May 11, 2023Sheldon hopes to convince his parents to let him spend the summer in Germany. Meemaw's gambling room is broken into. Meanwhile, Missy gets into trouble with a new friend.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Sheldon: Hello, Pastor Jeff.
Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, George, good news. I told the congregation about your exciting opportunity in Germany, and boy, were they thrilled to help. [laughs] I've never seen the collection plate so full.
Sheldon: Well, thank you. Are you seeing this? I am beloved.
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Quote from Dr. Linkletter
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: I heard you're raising money to study in Germany. Is that true?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm not having any luck.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, your luck's about to change. Here's one week of my pay.
Sheldon: Wow, thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: Mm. Whatever it takes to get you on that plane. I also passed the hat in the faculty lounge.
Sheldon: I don't know what to say.
Dr. Linkletter: I do. Auf Wiedersehen, you little rascal. [chuckles]
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: I brought you some snacks. For Mom, a Bavarian-style pretzel. And for Dad, four Lone Star beers poured into a pitcher to approximate a stein.
George Sr.: What do you want?
Sheldon: For starters, a danke wouldn't kill you.
Mary: A what?
Sheldon: It's "thank you" in German. Uh, so, if you were thinking of thanking, then you'd be denken of danken. You're awfully quiet. I assume you're denken.
Mary: W-Where are you going with all this?
Sheldon: If I play my cards right, Germany.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Sheldon... [sighs] aren't there programs that are closer?
Sheldon: Yes, but I missed my chance to get into any of them. In fact, Dr. Sturgis had to call in a big favor to get this opportunity.
George Sr.: Well, that's nice of him, but maybe he should have talked to us first?
Sheldon: Oh, he suggested that.
Mary: And?
Sheldon: I nixed it.
Mary: You nixed it?
Sheldon: From the German nichts. The language lends itself to negativity.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Well, we're gonna have to talk to Dr. Sturgis before we make any decisions.
George Sr.: We're- We're not making any promises.
Mary: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: This is not a yes.
Sheldon: But it's also not a nein, which German for "no", as opposed to the number nine, which is neun.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: This set was actually endorsed by Professor Proton.
Andy: Who's Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Who's Professor Proton? How much time do you have? Arthur Jeffries, aka Professor Proton, brought science to the masses on his revolutionary television show Professor Proton. Actually, this set is not for sale.
Quote from Dr. John Sturgis
Dr. John Sturgis: The string theory research they're doing is at the forefront of the field. This is a tremendous opportunity for Sheldon.
Mary: Well, we wouldn't want him to miss out.
George Sr.: And you're okay with looking after him all summer?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I won't be there.
Mary: You won't?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no, I'll be presenting a paper in Needles, California. If you're a Peanuts fan, that's where Snoopy's brother Spike lives.
Quote from Sheldon
George Sr.: He also told us how much it costs, and it's more than we can handle.
Sheldon: I'll pay you back. I'm sure I'll make plenty as a theoretical physicist.
Mary: I'm sure you will, but right now, we don't have the money.
Sheldon: Have you considered scrimping and saving? I... Do we really need breakfast, lunch and dinner?
George Sr.: Sheldon, you do our taxes.
Sheldon: And I'm about to start charging for that.
Mary: Shelly, I'm sorry, but it's no.
Sheldon: Ach!
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: So, what's the next step? What are you gonna do?
Jake: I was gonna get some lunch.
Dale: Wait a minute. Aren't you gonna file a report or-or dust for fingerprints?
Meemaw: Yeah, what are we paying you for?
Jake: You're paying me to not shut you down. Unless you want me to bring detectives to your illegal gambling room.
Meemaw: So, what do we do?
Jake: You need security when you're not here. Maybe an off-duty cop.
Meemaw: You want me to pay you more?
Jake: I just want you to feel safe.
Meemaw: Get out.
Jake: Y'all have a nice day.
Quote from Missy
Missy: If you want, I can rent you a rated-R movie. I'll even slip it in a Disney box.
Tonya: What do you have in mind?
Missy: Point Break. Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze?
Tonya: I like Swayze.
Missy: I like Keanu.
Tonya: Great, so I don't need to fight you.
Missy: All right, Point Break in a Bambi box coming right up.
Quote from Missy
Missy: "German for Beginners"? Why are you so weird?
Sheldon: I was hoping to spend the summer in Germany.
Missy: The country in Europe?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: For the whole summer?
Sheldon: Yes. But Mom and Dad said we can't afford it.
Missy: Oh, you can't take no for an answer. You deserve this. I deserve this. We deserve this.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: I've got a bicycle pump if you want to top off your donut.
Dale: No, actually, I'm experiencing a little too much bounce.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: What am I supposed to do? We don't have the money.
Missy: I have $34 saved up. It's yours.
Sheldon: It's a lot more than that.
Missy: Well, we're gonna figure this out.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: We'll start with getting enough money for a one-way ticket.
Sheldon: How do I get back home?
Missy: Who knows? You might love it there.
Adult Sheldon: I know we've had our differences, but that's the moment I learned just how much my sister loved me.
Quote from Mandy
George Jr.: Where's CeeCee?
Mandy: Oh, she went out with friends.
George Jr.: Is that nice?
Mandy: Sorry.
Quote from Missy
Missy: What are you doing?
Tonya: Sneaking out. Come on.
Missy: Aren't you afraid you're gonna get caught?
Tonya: What are they gonna do, send me to a crappier town?
Missy: Good point. So, what's the plan?
Tonya: Got half a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of cooking sherry.
Missy: Let me get dressed.
Quote from Dale
George Jr.: Well, backyard's clear.
Dale: All right. Copy.
George Jr.: Saw some skunks.
Dale: That'll work for us. That's nature's alarm system.
Quote from Dale
Dale: What's that?
George Jr.: What?
Dale: Two people sneaking around out there.
George Jr.: What do we do?
Dale: I don't know.
George Jr.: Well, should I turn the lights off?
Dale: Yeah, good. [Georgie turns the lights off] Now, wait a minute, if the lights are off, they're gonna think nobody's home.
George Jr.: Oh, right. [Georgie turns the lights back on] But now they can see us.
Dale: Right. Off.
Quote from Missy
Missy: [gasps] Duck, duck.
Tonya: What are we doing?
Missy: Someone's awake at my meemaw's. I think they saw us. [coughs]
Tonya: You said you knew how to smoke.
Missy: I do, but this isn't my brand.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Shelly. It's 6:00 in the morning. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Having a yard sale, and the serious buyers start early so I need to get a move on.
Mary: Is that my good china?
Sheldon: Oh, it's just one setting, and if I'm in Germany, you'll never miss it.
Mary: Give me that.
Sheldon: Fine. But I am selling my trains, my comic books and the first chapter of my autobiography. It's in utero. You do not come off well.
Quote from Missy
Sheldon: What are you doing up?
Missy: Um, going to the bathroom?
Sheldon: Why are you dressed?
Missy: Why are you dressed?
Sheldon: I'm having a yard sale to raise money for Germany.
Missy: Great, I'll help.
Sheldon: But why are you dressed?
Missy: To help you.
Sheldon: But I just told you about that.
Missy: And I'm ready to start.
Sheldon: Okay. Wait, what?
Quote from Dale
Dale: Well, I saw them sneaking around outside. They was clearly casing the place. So I grabbed Lil' Slugger and I went out the front porch and I let 'em know who they was messing with.
Meemaw: You think they'll be back?
Dale: Nah, they ran away like two little girls. [chuckles]
Quote from Sheldon
Bob: Ten dollars? I'll give you five.
Sheldon: Sir, that's a Lionel MPC-era O Gauge that I've had since I was six. You're lucky it's only ten.
Bob: Fine. Ten.
Sheldon: Uh, uh, I meant $20.
Bob: T-The tag says ten.
Sheldon: And now it's a thousand. Give that back. Have a nice day.
Quote from Adult Sheldon
Adult Sheldon: Unfortunately, my yard sale was a bust, and my dream of spending the summer in Germany was fading. On the bright side, I did get to keep all my trains. And people say I'm not emotionally complex.
Quote from Dale
George Jr.: I thought one of our neighbors might have a security camera, and Sensei Bruce at the karate studio came through.
Dale: Oh, good job, Georgie.
Meemaw: And what'd you see?
George Jr.: A pickup truck driving away from our back door at 2:15 in the morning.
Dale: Ooh, now we got him. Or her.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: If we put in one of them things that spins the hot dogs around, we would make a fortune. Oh, then they spill mustard on themselves, it's right back in the washer. That's money making money, sister.
Meemaw: Yeah, 'cause that's how people want their clothes to smell... like hot dogs.
George Jr.: I love how hot dogs smell.
Meemaw: Huh. And you wonder why Mandy won't marry you.
Quote from George Jr.
Meemaw: Did you get a license plate?
George Jr.: No.
Meemaw: How about the color?
George Jr.: Well, the tape's in black and white. But it was not black and it was not white.
Meemaw: So the getaway car is a color.
George Jr.: Or grey.
Dale: Okay. Not quite a smoking gun, but at least we know the perp drove a truck.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Could I have everybody's attention for just a minute? Show of hands, who here owns a truck? [all hands go up]
George Jr.: It ain't my fault we live in Texas.
Quote from George Jr.
Dale: Looks like they jimmied the door with a crowbar.
Jake: Sure does.
Dale: Well... it's a lucky break that when it happened, nobody was here.
Meemaw: If I had been here, we'd be looking for a place to bury the body.
George Jr.: Yours or theirs?
Quote from George Sr.
Sheldon: I have the opportunity to participate in a prestigious summer program at the University of Heidelberg.
Mary: Sheldon, I don't...
Sheldon: I know that you're probably gonna say that I'm too young or it's too far away, but please just hear me out.
George Sr.: He did bring us snacks.
Mary: Beer is not a snack.
Quote from Sheldon
Instructor: [on tape] "When is the next train?" Wann fährt der nächste Zug?
Sheldon: Wann fährt der nächste Zug? [scoffs] How is this not a Romance language?
Mary: [knocks] Shelly?
Sheldon: Uh, eintreten. That's German for "enter".
Quote from Missy
Tonya: Maybe we can watch it together.
Missy: Not at my house. My mom can't know I rented you this.
Tonya: Well, my uncle can't know I'm watching it.
Missy: We could watch it in our garage. My brother's got a TV in there.
Tonya: Cool.
Missy: He kind of looks like Patrick Swayze.
Tonya: Really?
Missy: But, like, a stupid Patrick Swayze.
Tonya: Eh. Still works.
Quote from Dale
Dale: Anyone suspicious hanging around?
Meemaw: Just a crazy old man with a bat.
Dale: I'm just trying to make sure that you're safe.
Meemaw: That's very sweet, but I-I can handle it.
Dale: You can, huh? You ever think this might have been an inside job? Like, any one of these clowns here could have been part of the crew that ripped you off last night?
Meemaw: And now they're sitting here giving me my money back?
Dale: Mm. Not all criminals are masterminds, Connie.
Meemaw: Okay, fine. What's your plan?
Dale: Until we track down the guys or girls... I'm a- I'm a modern thinker... I'll be around, acting as a deterrent... with my friend here.
Meemaw: Lil' Slugger.
Dale: Yeah. It only looks small 'cause I'm so big.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Hold on, are you saying Sheldon would be going to Germany by himself?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, one of you could go with him.
George Sr.: And the university would cover our expenses as well?
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] The university isn't gonna pay for any of it.
George Sr.: Okay, meeting adjourned.
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. Well, let me know if there's anything else I can, uh, help you with.
Mary: Actually there is. Um... Would you tell Sheldon that he's not going?
Quote from George Sr.
Dr. John Sturgis: I understand your trepidation, but you were also nervous about sending him here, and that turned out fine.
Mary: I suppose, but Germany is just so far away.
George Sr.: Well, maybe it'd be good for him. You know... a little independence, nobody babying him. [off Mary's look] What? Germans are a tough-love people.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Wade, what the hell are you doing here? We're not open yet.
Wade: The door was.
Meemaw: Did you forget to lock up?
George Jr.: No.
Meemaw: Well, the door didn't open itself.
George Jr.: The lock's busted.
Meemaw: File cabinet, too. Cashbox is gone.
George Jr.: We've been robbed.
Meemaw: We've been robbed.
Wade: We've been robbed?
Quote from Missy
Missy: Let me know if you need help finding anything.
Tonya: Ugh. How about something fun to do in this town?
Missy: You like roller rinks?
Tonya: No.
Missy: Bowling?
Tonya: No.
Missy: You old enough to drive?
Tonya: No.
Missy: Can't help you.
Quote from Missy
Mary: What's going on?
Pastor Jeff: Missy rented Tonya an R-rated movie and tried to hide it in a Disney box.
Tonya: Oh, that's what this is about?
Pastor Jeff: What else would it be about?
Mary: Missy?
Missy: It must have been an accident. I thought I gave her Bambi.
Tonya: I did ask for Bambi.
Missy: Sometimes people return things in the wrong box. It's my fault for not checking. I'm really sorry.
Pastor Jeff: Well, don't let it happen again.
Quote from Dale
George Jr.: There they go.
Dale: I think we scared them off.
George Jr.: Yeah, we did.
Dale: [chuckles] We are heroes. [they high-five]
George Jr.: Damn straight.
Dale: Yeah.
Quote from Dale
Dale: Nice looking watch you got there.
Marty: Thanks.
Dale: Is it new?
Marty: Actually, yeah.
Dale: Interesting. You recently come into some money?
Marty: Kind of. My uncle just passed away.
Dale: Oh. Well, ain't that a coincidence? What from?
Marty: Emphysema.
Dale: He smoke?
Marty: Yeah.
Dale: All right, then.
Quote from Dale
Meemaw: Maybe instead of harassing the customers, why don't you go over and stand by that door and just look intimidating?
Dale: [whispers] You got it. Watch this.
[Dale stands up against the door]
Meemaw: You want a chair?
Dale: Chair would be good. Yeah. Let me go get my inflatable donut. [whispers] Got a little fire in the valley.
Quote from Missy
Tonya: I'll admit it. Keanu's pretty cute.
Missy: Hey, you called Swayze, you stick with Swayze.
Tonya: Fine, I'll be Mrs. Patrick Swayze.
Quote from Mandy
Mandy: Any luck tracking down the robbers?
Meemaw: Nope. We're gonna keep the cashbox here for a while.
Mandy: Great. So now the money is here, where we sleep.
Meemaw: [to Dale] Get your bat.
Dale: Yeah.
Quote from Missy
Missy: Why'd you want to spend the summer with Pastor Jeff?
Tonya: I didn't. My parents found out I had a boyfriend and freaked.
Missy: Ooh, tell me everything.
Tonya: Okay, his name is Zach. He has a learner's permit and his own phone line.
Missy: So, like, a man?
Tonya: Exactly.