Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Mom. It's your son, Sheldon.
Mary: Hello, my son, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I have an 8:00 a.m. class tomorrow, and I was wondering if I could spend the night in my dorm.
Mary: That's fine.
Sheldon: Now before you answer, hear me out. I have a list of reasons why this is a good idea. Number one...
Mary: Sheldon, I know that you're safe there. It's fine.
Sheldon: That's reason number four. Please don't skip ahead.
Mary: Honey, I trust you. Just go to bed at a reasonable hour and call if you need anything. Otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow.
Sheldon: Okay. Number one: I'm not...
Mary: Goodbye, Sheldon. [hangs up]
Sheldon: Who hangs up on a list?

Sheldon: I've compiled a list of reasons why I should be appointed the dormitory R.A. Number one...
President Hagemeyer: Fine. You're the R.A.
Sheldon: Okay. "Number one: I love rules... creating them, following them, and most fun of all, enforcing them."
President Hagemeyer: You're the R.A., Sheldon.
Sheldon: Excellent. "Number two... punishment for rule infractions must be both fair and merciless."

[As Missy walks into the kitchen, George and Mary are kissing]
Missy: Ugh. Still?
Mary: Morning, honey.
Missy: What is happening with you two?
George: What do you mean?
Missy: Is one of you dying?
George: No one's dying. Sometimes, married people kiss.
Missy: On TV maybe, not here.
Mary: Well, young lady, how do you think you came into this world?
Missy: Okay, you're freaking me out.

Meemaw: Do you see any unoccupied machines here?
Dale: No.
Meemaw: Exactly. We are at capacity. It's time to expand.
Dale: Where?
Meemaw: The video store right behind that wall just lost its lease.
Dale: Aw, heck. I was gonna pick up the new John Candy.
Meemaw: Well, as my partner in this enterprise, you can get that new John Candy for free.
Dale: So you're gonna buy a video store?
Meemaw: Video store in the front, video poker in the back.

Dale: Where are you getting the poker machine?
Meemaw: Biloxi, Mississippi.
Dale: Oh. You didn't learn a lesson when you got arrested at the border?
Meemaw: Yes. I learned not to smuggle contraband with my idiot grandson. But there's nothing illegal about buying poker machines.
Dale: Till you plug 'em in.
Meemaw: Well, sure.

Meemaw: Come on. What do you say? You and me, a panel truck, Biloxi or bust?
Dale: So I'm gonna be your partner in an illegal gambling room?
Meemaw: Hidden by a legal video store.
Dale: Connie. Gee...
Meemaw: Come on. You said you want to drive around in an RV, see the country. This is that, but exciting.
Dale: We could go to jail.
Meemaw: That's the exciting part.

George: What's his problem now?
Mary: Nothing. He wants to spend the night at the dorm so he can get to an early class.
George: Really? And you said okay?
Mary: He is old enough to have an overnighter, and... it might be nice for us to have a little alone time.
George: Ooh. What about Missy?
Mary: She's having dinner with a friend.
George: So, the house to ourselves. I like it. [phone ringing]
Mary: Hold on. [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Number two... I have my own bathroom.

Sheldon: Aah. No skateboarding in the hallway. Aah! This childishness cannot be allowed to continue.

Sheldon: Hello. I need to tattle.
Tommy: [opens door] What?
Sheldon: Is your room on fire?
Tommy: No.
Sheldon: But I see smoke.
Tommy: Okay.
Sheldon: You need to know there's people skateboarding and playing loud music in the hallways.
Tommy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: You're the resident advisor. It's your job to enforce the rules.
Tommy: I'll get right on it.
Sheldon: Thank you. [walks away] The system works.

Dale: So, how'd you hear about these poker machines?
Meemaw: I know a guy.
Dale: What kind of guy?
Meemaw: A guy who knows a guy.
Dale: Well, what do you know about that guy?
Meemaw: He owned a riverboat casino.
Dale: He owned?
Meemaw: He might be dead.
Dale: Dead?
Meemaw: He might not be. They never found the body.

Meemaw: Oh, now, come on. You've been in the sporting goods business long enough. Haven't you ever sold a bunch of shoulder pads that fell off the back of a truck?
Dale: Absolutely not. I buy 'em from a reputable company named Tuffy.
Meemaw: Boring.

[Sheldon is asleep as he sits on a bench outside President Hagemeyer's office. As she turns the corner of the corridor and sees him, she quickly comes to a halt and tries to back away.]
Sheldon: I smell your shampoo.
President Hagemeyer: Aw, damn it.

President Hagemeyer: How long have you been sitting out there?
Sheldon: All night.
President Hagemeyer: And why?
Sheldon: [sighs heavily] Are you familiar with Arkham Asylum from the Batman comics?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Well, it's a madhouse, as is my dormitory after the sun goes down.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I am the president of this university. I don't handle noise complaints. That's why there's a resident advisor.
Sheldon: Oh, I went to him.
President Hagemeyer: And?
Sheldon: You saw me sleeping on the bench like a hobo. What do you think?
President Hagemeyer: Can't you just... I don't know... chalk this up as part of the college experience?
Sheldon: Yeah, the clown college experience. I'm sorry. I'm cranky.

George: Ooh. Eggs and pancakes.
Mary: That's what a lumberjack gets for chopping all that wood.
George: [laughs] I'll be Paul Bunyan, you can be my babe, the blue fox.
Mary: [laughs] [laughing] George.