Mary: It's not just bookkeeping. I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues you know, plumbing, electric, what have you. And I'd also head the planning committee for all the social events, which, of course, includes the big three: baptisms, weddings, funerals. And here is the cherry on top. The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings-
George: "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"?
Mary: Exactly. Guess whose job it would be to write those.
George: Yours.
Mary: Already working on a couple. Listen to this. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
George: What?
Mary: You know, be one. Like be a Christian. And also B1 the vitamin.
George: Well, now that you explained it, it's funny.
Mary: Yeah. Might be a thinker. But there's a lot more where that came from.

Missy: Where is my dad?
Billy Sparks: I ask that question a lot.
Missy: He's not usually late.
Billy Sparks: My mom's picking me up, but she's always late. Hey. Maybe they're together.
Missy: Why would they be together?
Billy Sparks: They could be having another secret meeting in the chicken coop.
Missy: He's probably running late at practice.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: I'm sure they're not together.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: I mean it.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: Shut up, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Mary: I know. Um... What about the parents of the young couple?
Pastor Jeff: Well, they certainly didn't raise these kids with the right values. I only get them one day a week. The rest of it's on Mom and Dad.
Mary: [chuckles] Right. Right. Um... Oh. But, um... what if the boy's parents did want to do the right thing? I don't see how it's their fault.
Pastor Jeff: Well, didn't the boy still have premarital sex which led to pregnancy?
Mary: [exhales] Yes.
Pastor Jeff: You have to ask, where were his parents?
Mary: Mm-hmm. These are all good questions.

Meemaw: Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people into joining the church?
Mary: Yeah. But people like getting scared on Halloween anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in hell. Because God loves 'em.

Georgie: How awesome was it when he fights those four guys at once?
Mary: They were asking for it. Dalton doesn't fight unless he has to.
Georgie: True, 'cause when the doctor says, "How many of these fights you win?" he says...
Both: Nobody ever wins in a fight. [both laugh]
Mary: Mm, and I like how smart he is. But doesn't feel like he has to show it off.
Georgie: No kidding. Maybe Sheldon should watch it.
Mary: Hey, what was Dalton's third rule of being a good bouncer?
Georgie: Be nice.
Mary: That's right.

Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Bonnie. You see that? I made a joke about it.
Meemaw: Never do it again.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, ma'am.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, our conversation about my paper resulted in a very productive couple of days. I completely rewrote the whole thing from scratch.
Sheldon: Exciting. I know credits are usually listed alphabetically, but I'm completely fine with my name going second.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I've worked on this paper for years. I'm not putting your name on it at all.
Sheldon: But I helped you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You did, but you didn't cowrite the paper with me.
Sheldon: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, it is.
Sheldon: Well, this is an outrage. After all the help I've given you, and I don't even get credit?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, of course you are. You're getting a special thanks in the footnotes.
Sheldon: No one reads the footnotes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do.
Sheldon: Well, I do, too, but that doesn't mean I want to be in them.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, that's where people get recognition for helping.
Sheldon: Oh, you mean the help of using my math to convert your hazy series of meanderings into a well-formed scientific thesis?
Dr. John Sturgis: I think you're overstating your contribution.
Sheldon: Well, I think you should be wearing a black ski mask because you're trying to rob me blind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, if anyone should be wearing an odd piece of apparel, it should be you wearing a baby bonnet, because that's how you're behaving.
Sheldon: [gasps]
Meemaw: Ready to go?
Sheldon: Very! It's a good thing she showed up, because I do not have a comeback.

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Pastor Jeff: Before our final prayer, would anyone else like to say a few words?
Mary: Missy? [Missy shakes her head] Shelly?
[Sheldon stands up and walks up to the microphone]
Sheldon: I've been thinking a lot about the last moments I had with my dad. It was morning, and he was leaving for work. He said, "See y'all later." And I said nothing. I regret that. I could have said "bye" or asked him for a ride. Or told him that I loved him. But I didn't. I barely noticed he left. So many times that I didn't notice my father. I hope he knew how much I loved him.
Adult Sheldon: I wish I could tell you I said all those things. But I didn't.
Mary: Shelly? [Sheldon shakes his head] [Mary shakes her head to Pastor Jeff]
Pastor Jeff: Let's bow our heads in prayer.
All: Our Father, who is in heaven, hallowed be Your name...
Adult Sheldon: For a long time, I focused on my father's shortcomings. Now that I'm his age and have kids of my own, I realize he was just a person doing the best he could, and he did a lot. I didn't say it at his funeral, but I can say it now. I loved my father. I will miss him forever.

Meemaw: What is happening with you?
Mary: Do you really want to know? So, the other day I was making a casserole to bring over to the Hansons, and I wanted to include a sympathy card. So I started to write, "Your daughter's in a better place." [VOICE BREAKING] And I had to stop. Because how could that possibly be true? How could a better place be anywhere than at home safe with her family? She was just a little kid. That could've been Georgie behind the wheel. How could that possibly be God's plan?

Adult Sheldon: Nihilists believe that there's no point to anything, because it all ends in nothingness.
Missy: Mind if I put on MTV?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.
Missy: Deep thought, dingus.

Meemaw: Hi. I'm Connie Tucker. I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother.
Professor Ericson: Oh. Nice to meet you. He is a remarkable young man.
Meemaw: Yes, he is. He's also a very impressionable young man. Kind of like a lump of clay with a bow tie.
Professor Ericson: All I did was teach him about epistemology.
Meemaw: Whatever it is you're teaching him, it has made him question everything.
Professor Ericson: That's the goal.
Meemaw: Lady, I had to threaten him with a chicken so he'd put his pants on.

Paige: How do you have more friends than me?
Sheldon: I don't know. I don't even want them.
Paige: I thought that college was gonna be this amazing experience, but I hate it.
Sheldon: You're doing such interesting work with Professor Patterson.
Paige: What, you really think he wants to take suggestions from me? I'm not even a woman in science. I'm a little girl in science. They just trot me out like the novelty act to help get funding.
Sheldon: They did that to me here, too.
Paige: They did?
Sheldon: Yes, and I was very rude to the donor.
Paige: [chuckles] You're kidding. What happened?
Sheldon: He appreciated my honesty, gave the school a bunch of money.
Paige: Of course he did. I got to go. Mona's probably freaking out because instead of friends, I have a Mona. [exits]
Sheldon: Bye.

George: Why don't we just come clean?
Meemaw: All right, sure, we could do that. You could rat me out to Mary and I could tell her what you did at the church picnic.
George: Come on. Now you're just playing dirty.
Meemaw: We sink or swim together, George. We sink or swim together.
George: Grandmas are supposed to be nice. What went wrong with you?