Mary: It's not just bookkeeping. I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues you know, plumbing, electric, what have you. And I'd also head the planning committee for all the social events, which, of course, includes the big three: baptisms, weddings, funerals. And here is the cherry on top. The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings-
George: "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"?
Mary: Exactly. Guess whose job it would be to write those.
George: Yours.
Mary: Already working on a couple. Listen to this. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
George: What?
Mary: You know, be one. Like be a Christian. And also B1 the vitamin.
George: Well, now that you explained it, it's funny.
Mary: Yeah. Might be a thinker. But there's a lot more where that came from.

Sheldon: Regardless, I'm not interested in making any more friends.
Mary: Oh, I don't think that's how you really feel.
Sheldon: It is. From now on, it's a hermit's life for me.
Mary: I bet, when you grow up, you will be surrounded by lots of smart, wonderful friends.
Sheldon: I can't see that happening.

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: [turns around] What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

Georgie: Thanks for waking me up.
Mary: I woke you up 40 minutes ago.
Georgie: Well, you didn't do a very good job.

Mary: Well, I am happy to report that my potato salad is once again the hit of the potluck.
George: That's great, honey.
Mary: I feel bad for Pam Staples. No one's touching her potato salad.
Sheldon: If you feel bad, then why are you smiling?
Meemaw: 'Cause sometimes your mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.

Mary: How are you liking Medford, Selena?
Pastor Jeff: ¿Cómo te gusta Medford?
Selena: Nunca he estado tan aburrido en toda mi vida. [I've never been so bored in my entire life.]
Pastor Jeff: She likes it fine.
Mary: Oh.
Selena: Voy a fumar en el baño. [I'm going to go smoke in the bathroom.]
Pastor Jeff: She needs to use the little girls' room. Mary, could I talk to you for a second?
Mary: Sure.
Pastor Jeff: Don't worry. I'll bring her right back.
George: Wasn't worried, but okay.
Sheldon: His Spanish is terrible. That's not what she said at all.