42Quotes from ‘A Launch Party and a Whole Human Being’
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614. A Launch Party and a Whole Human Being
Aired March 2, 2023When Mandy goes into labor, Mary, George and Georgie are all busy elsewhere. Meanwhile, Sheldon is excited to bring his database into the world.
Quote from Billy Sparks
Billy Sparks: Do you think my mom and your dad are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend?
Missy: No.
Billy Sparks: If they got married, would that make us brother and sister?
Missy: It's not gonna happen.
Billy Sparks: Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia were brother and sister, and they still kissed. [Missy scoffs] I didn't write it. [Missy scoffs again]
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: You know, in a way, you and I are having a very similar day.
Mandy: Really? How might that be?
Sheldon: I'm also bringing something new into the world. Although mine does not involve my privates being inspected my strangers.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: You've been through this before. How long does it take?
Brenda Sparks: Depends. With Billy, it was days.
Sheldon: Well, he always has been a tad slow.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Mrs. Sparks, I need your help.
Brenda Sparks: What's with the gloves?
Sheldon: So I don't get placenta on my hands.
Brenda Sparks: What? [Sheldon nods]
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: All right, let's do this.
Mandy: Why are you wearing dish gloves?
Sheldon: To deliver the baby.
Mandy: That is not happening.
Sheldon: Good. Whew. Can I get a glass of water?
Mandy: Sheldon, I need to go to the hospital.
Sheldon: Well, I can't drive. I do have a bike, but you'll never fit in the wagon.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Excuse me, does that computer have a modem?
Rhonda: A what?
Sheldon: A modem. It's how you access the World Wide Web.
Rhonda: The what?
Sheldon: It's when your computer wants to talk to another computer, and it goes... [imitates modem dialing]
Rhonda: You mean a fax machine.
Sheldon: It's like I'm from the future.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: My advice, take all the drugs they offer.
Mandy: I plan to.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: She's here. She's tiny and perfect, and Mandy's doing great.
[George shakes Georgie's hand. Mary and Georgie hug.]
Mary: Oh, what's her name?
George Jr.: Constance.
Meemaw: Oh... [hugs Georgie] Yes. Thank you.
Audrey: Is there a middle name?
George Jr.: We're still working on it.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Thank you for doing this.
George Jr.: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: You know, you wait and you wait and you wait, and you think the day's never gonna come, and then pow, it's here.
George Jr.: I know.
Sheldon: Everyone thought I was too young, that I wouldn't see it through, but here I am. To think I almost missed it. I would have regretted that for the rest of my life. [Georgie turns the car around] Why are we turning around?
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: What are you doing out here?
George Jr.: I heard Mandy was having the baby.
Sheldon: Yes, but that happens inside.
George Jr.: I know.
Sheldon: Aren't you going in?
George Jr.: I can't.
Sheldon: Oh, these doors are automated. You just walk towards them and they open.
George Jr.: I can't be a dad. I couldn't even install a car seat.
Sheldon: Great. You can drive me to my launch party.
Quote from Mandy
George Sr.: [enters] Hey.
Mandy: What's going on with you two?
Mary: Nothing.
George Sr.: We're fine.
Mandy: You know what, if you're gonna fight, can you do it out loud? 'Cause I could really use the distraction.
Mary: No one's fighting.
Mandy: [pained groan] Where is that big needle? I was promised a big needle.
Quote from Missy
Mary: Can I get you breakfast?
Sheldon: I don't know if I can eat. I'm too excited.
Mary: I know. We all are.
Missy: What's going on?
Mary: It's your brother's big day.
Missy: When isn't it?
Quote from Meemaw
Mandy: Why are you here?
Meemaw: Uh, I- I had a medical thing. It- It's been handled. Here, let me help you to your room.
Mandy: What kind of thing?
Meemaw: [stammers] Just a thing. It's been tended to. How- How far apart are your contractions?
Mandy: Connie, what's going on?
Meemaw: It's hemorrhoids, okay? It's embarrassing, but here we are. Hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids! Happy?
Mandy: Well, I'm about four centimeters dilated, and the doctors think it could be another few hours.
Meemaw: Well... Good. Walk slow.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Last chance. Who wants to witness science history? [everyone is silent] Don't be shy, folks.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: How you doing?
Mandy: Where were you?
George Jr.: I'm sorry. I was trying to install the car seat, and I didn't hear the phone.
Mandy: It's okay, you made it. Did you get it installed?
George Jr.: Sheldon did. Turns out, it takes a genius. [Mandy laughs, winces]
Quote from Billy Sparks
Missy: Where is my dad?
Billy Sparks: I ask that question a lot.
Missy: He's not usually late.
Billy Sparks: My mom's picking me up, but she's always late. Hey. Maybe they're together.
Missy: Why would they be together?
Billy Sparks: They could be having another secret meeting in the chicken coop.
Missy: He's probably running late at practice.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: I'm sure they're not together.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: I mean it.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: Shut up, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Quote from Sheldon
George Sr.: What about Mary? Ain't she at the bowling alley?
Brenda Sparks: No. Sh- She went out to lunch.
Sheldon: And speaking of lunch, we should get to my launch.
George Sr.: Sheldon, my granddaughter's about to be born. I-I'm not going anywhere.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sure Georgie will get more women pregnant. You'll have another chance.
George Sr.: Walk away.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: I'm gonna stay at my mom's house tonight.
George Sr.: Fine by me.
Sheldon: [enters] I just talked to Dr. Sturgis. We didn't get a single subscriber. My database is a complete failure. [Mary averts her watery eyes. George is looking down at the floor.] I know, I'm upset, too.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Meemaw, are you coming to my party?
Meemaw: I wouldn't miss it.
Mary: Oh, we're gonna leave at 4:00 if you want to ride with us.
Meemaw: No, I have to meet you there. I got a little business I have to take care of.
Sheldon: Oh, if you're getting me a gift, it's not that kind of party. Although I wouldn't say no to a TI-81 graphing calculator.
Quote from Missy
George Sr.: So what all's gonna happen at this party?
Sheldon: Well, we're gonna post to UseNet that the database is live and then watch the monitor as the subscribers roll in.
Missy: And you're calling that a party? Bold.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: We still haven't settled on a name.
Mandy: Well, I was thinking maybe Alice.
George Jr.: Alice Cooper. That is badass. Sold.
Quote from Sheldon
Mandy: It's okay, I'll drive. Just come with me, okay?
Sheldon: Okay.
Mandy: Oh...
Sheldon: Does it hurt bad?
Mandy: Yes!
Sheldon: That's unfortunate. It's my understanding it's only gonna get worse.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Mandy: Sheldon, is Georgie there?
Sheldon: No.
Mandy: Is your mom there?
Sheldon: No.
Mandy: Are there any adults there?
Sheldon: No. But I have an IQ of 187. I'm sure I can figure out whatever's troubling you.
Mandy: My water broke. I'm in labor.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Quote from Mandy
Mandy: Wait, who said her last name's gonna be Cooper?
George Jr.: Well, that's my last name.
Mandy: Yeah, and mine's McAllister.
George Jr.: Yeah, but I'm the dad.
Mandy: So?
George Jr.: I think that's just the rule.
Mandy: Not my rule.
George Jr.: Well, all right. Let's not fight about it. I'm pretty sure she can hear us.
Mandy: Yeah, you're probably right. [clears throat] Please don't have a giant head!
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: Excuse me, which one of these car seats is the best?
Bruce: That'd be the Evenflo Discovery right here. Top of the line.
George Jr.: Great. [looks at price tag] Which one's your second best?
Bruce: Is it a gift for someone?
George Jr.: No, it's for me. I'm having a kid.
Bruce: Mm. I tell you, that first ride home from the hospital with the baby in the back, scariest drive of your life.
George Jr.: Well, I got a station wagon. It's like a tank with a cassette player.
Bruce: That's good, good. 'Cause you can't believe how fragile and tiny newborn babies are.
George Jr.: No, I can, I can believe it.
Bruce: So you know about that spot on their head that ain't even solid yet.
George Jr.: Sure.
Bruce: Anyway, uh, you were interested in the basic model.
George Jr.: Okay, pal, I'm in sales. I know what you're doing.
Bruce: So...
George Jr.: Just give me the expensive one.
Bruce: Good choice.
Quote from George Jr.
Mandy: Thanks for doing this.
George Jr.: Hey, you make a whole human being in your belly, I get the crib and car seat, we'll call it even.
Mandy: That is not even close to even.
George Jr.: Well, I'm just saying, my list is pretty long, and you only got the one thing. [Mandy scoffs]
Quote from Mandy
Brenda Sparks: Is there anyone else I can call for you? Maybe your mom?
Mandy: No, I can't deal with her right now. Maybe after they give me drugs.
Quote from Brenda Sparks
Mary: Any plans for your day off?
Brenda Sparks: Nothing special.
Mary: Not seeing your mystery man?
Brenda Sparks: Just give me my check.
Mary: I don't mean to pry. It's just, your friends think you're keeping him a secret 'cause he's married.
Brenda Sparks: There's no mystery man. And you're prying.
Mary: Sorry.
Quote from Meemaw
Mary: Oh, remember today is Sheldon's big database launch party, so we're all very excited.
George Sr.: Yeah, how excited we talking, on a scale of one to ten?
Mary: Uh, I don't know. Six?
Meemaw: Do we have any understanding of what this data thing is?
Mary: Not a clue. [Sheldon enters] Morning, Shelly.
George Sr.: Hey, there's the big guy!
Meemaw: That was about a nine.
Quote from George Jr.
George Jr.: [enters] Sorry I'm late.
Jim: Oh, no, no, no. You're right on time. Told you.
Mandy: You are completely late, but I'm really glad you're here.
George Jr.: Do you want all these people around?
Mandy: No!
George Jr.: All right, everybody out.
Audrey: But...
George Jr.: Out.
Mary: Uh, we'll be in the waiting room if you need us.
Quote from Mandy
Audrey: I think we're getting close. Since the father's not here, I'll go in the delivery room with you.
Meemaw: Or I'm happy to go, if you want. [quietly] I'm not gonna be sitting down anytime soon.
Mary: Georgie will be here.
Audrey: If he were gonna be here, he'd be here. But honestly, who's surprised?
Jim: Well, I'm a little surprised.
Audrey: Jim, not now.
Jim: All right, well, I can have my own opinion. I think he's a good kid.
Audrey: You never take my side.
Jim: Are you kidding me?! I missed her whole pregnancy 'cause I took your side.
Audrey: So you're just, you're just okay with all of this?
Jim: My daughter is having a baby. I'm thrilled.
Mandy: Aw, Dad.
Quote from Jim
Mandy: [groans]
Jim: Okay, hang in there, baby, you're doing great.
Audrey: What did I just tell you?
Jim: I don't know what else to say.
Quote from Jim
Mary: [enters] Hey. Oh, how we doing?
Mandy: I'm all right. [Mary sighs] Are you all right?
Mary: I'm fine. Just fine.
Audrey: Fine? Looked like your husband was gonna punch out that guy in the waiting room.
Meemaw: What happened?
Mary: When did you get here?
Meemaw: Earlier. So, who did George almost punch?
Jim: Some little fella with a mustache. [Mary flashes an ashamed look to her mother]
Quote from Audrey
Jim: You're doing great, sweetie.
Audrey: Didn't work 30 years ago, doesn't work now.
Meemaw: I think I'll just let y'all have a little family time.
Mandy: Please stay.
Quote from Mary
Mary: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Rob! Uh... Pastor Rob. It's Pastor Rob.
Brenda Sparks: I gathered.
Mary: Uh, lunch would be... fine. Yes. See you soon. Mm-hmm. [hangs up]
Brenda Sparks: Shall I pry?
Mary: Uh, it's nothing. He probably just wants to gossip about some church drama. So here's your check. Okay, bye.
Brenda Sparks: Buh-bye.
Quote from Audrey
Audrey: What's going on? Where's Mandy?
Mary: Uh, she's fine. She's in her room.
Audrey: So she's having a baby by herself while you're all out here?
George Sr.: No, Sheldon's with her.
Audrey: Unbelievable.
Quote from Brenda Sparks
Mary: Is my husband your mystery man?
George Sr.: No. She's dating someone else.
Mary: How do you know that?
George Sr.: She told me.
Mary: Why are you talking to my husband about your love life?
Brenda Sparks: You know, Mary, you might want to be careful about throwing stones, 'cause I've seen your glass house.
Mary: What does that mean?
Brenda Sparks: I saw how upset you were when this one was on a date.
Pastor Rob: Really?
George Sr.: What the hell do you mean, "really"?
Quote from George Sr.
George Sr.: What is he doing here?
Mary: He's a pastor, and he wanted to be here.
George Sr.: I mean what is he doing here with you?
Mary: He asked me for some advice, so we had lunch.
George Sr.: So that's why no one could find you for hours.
Mary: Are you accusing me of something?
George Sr.: Is there something to accuse you of?
Pastor Rob: Hey, today's the day of miracles. Do you really want to be fighting?
George Sr.: Stay out of this.
Mary: We didn't do anything wrong.
Brenda Sparks: I think I'm gonna head out.
George Sr.: No, he's staying, you're staying.
Mary: What does that mean?
George Sr.: Nothing, just... Nothing.
Mary: What's going on with you two?
George Sr.: [scoffs] What's going on with you two?
Quote from Mary
Pastor Rob: So, what do you think?
Mary: [exhales] Well, um... I would miss having you around, but I think you need to follow your heart.
Pastor Rob: What if my heart doesn't know what it wants?
Mary: I don't know. Pick a different organ.
Pastor Rob: Mary Cooper.
Mary: Oh, grow up. [Pastor Rob laughs] That's not what I meant.
Quote from Mary
Mary: What's going on?
George Sr.: Nothing. What's going on with you?
Mary: Who's with Mandy?
George Sr.: The doctor.
Mary: What are you two doing out here?
George Sr.: Waiting on you. Where have you been?
Mary: I was at lunch.
Pastor Rob: [enters] Hey. I hear we're having a baby. [everyone is silent] What? Did I miss it?
Quote from George Sr.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I, I guess I'm gonna go.
George Sr.: Come on, stay. Keep me company.
Brenda Sparks: Fine. Remember the last time we were here?
George Sr.: You mean the night you gave me a heart attack?
Brenda Sparks: [giggles] Stop it. I did not give you a heart attack.
George Sr.: You gave me something.
Brenda Sparks: Well... Oh, hey, Mary.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Shouldn't you be laying down?
Mandy: No, it's good to be on my feet. The doctor said this could take a while.
Sheldon: Could you be more specific? I have a thing at 5:00.