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42Quotes from ‘A Launch Party and a Whole Human Being’

Quote from Billy Sparks

Billy Sparks: Do you think my mom and your dad are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend?
Missy: No.
Billy Sparks: If they got married, would that make us brother and sister?
Missy: It's not gonna happen.
Billy Sparks: Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia were brother and sister, and they still kissed. [Missy scoffs] I didn't write it. [Missy scoffs again]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You know, in a way, you and I are having a very similar day.
Mandy: Really? How might that be?
Sheldon: I'm also bringing something new into the world. Although mine does not involve my privates being inspected my strangers.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You've been through this before. How long does it take?
Brenda Sparks: Depends. With Billy, it was days.
Sheldon: Well, he always has been a tad slow.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Mrs. Sparks, I need your help.
Brenda Sparks: What's with the gloves?
Sheldon: So I don't get placenta on my hands.
Brenda Sparks: What? [Sheldon nods]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: All right, let's do this.
Mandy: Why are you wearing dish gloves?
Sheldon: To deliver the baby.
Mandy: That is not happening.
Sheldon: Good. Whew. Can I get a glass of water?
Mandy: Sheldon, I need to go to the hospital.
Sheldon: Well, I can't drive. I do have a bike, but you'll never fit in the wagon.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Excuse me, does that computer have a modem?
Rhonda: A what?
Sheldon: A modem. It's how you access the World Wide Web.
Rhonda: The what?
Sheldon: It's when your computer wants to talk to another computer, and it goes... [imitates modem dialing]
Rhonda: You mean a fax machine.
Sheldon: It's like I'm from the future.

Quote from Meemaw

Meemaw: My advice, take all the drugs they offer.
Mandy: I plan to.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: She's here. She's tiny and perfect, and Mandy's doing great.
[George shakes Georgie's hand. Mary and Georgie hug.]
Mary: Oh, what's her name?
George Jr.: Constance.
Meemaw: Oh... [hugs Georgie] Yes. Thank you.
Audrey: Is there a middle name?
George Jr.: We're still working on it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Thank you for doing this.
George Jr.: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: You know, you wait and you wait and you wait, and you think the day's never gonna come, and then pow, it's here.
George Jr.: I know.
Sheldon: Everyone thought I was too young, that I wouldn't see it through, but here I am. To think I almost missed it. I would have regretted that for the rest of my life. [Georgie turns the car around] Why are we turning around?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: What are you doing out here?
George Jr.: I heard Mandy was having the baby.
Sheldon: Yes, but that happens inside.
George Jr.: I know.
Sheldon: Aren't you going in?
George Jr.: I can't.
Sheldon: Oh, these doors are automated. You just walk towards them and they open.
George Jr.: I can't be a dad. I couldn't even install a car seat.
Sheldon: Great. You can drive me to my launch party.

Quote from Mandy

George Sr.: [enters] Hey.
Mandy: What's going on with you two?
Mary: Nothing.
George Sr.: We're fine.
Mandy: You know what, if you're gonna fight, can you do it out loud? 'Cause I could really use the distraction.
Mary: No one's fighting.
Mandy: [pained groan] Where is that big needle? I was promised a big needle.

Quote from Missy

Mary: Can I get you breakfast?
Sheldon: I don't know if I can eat. I'm too excited.
Mary: I know. We all are.
Missy: What's going on?
Mary: It's your brother's big day.
Missy: When isn't it?

Quote from Meemaw

Mandy: Why are you here?
Meemaw: Uh, I- I had a medical thing. It- It's been handled. Here, let me help you to your room.
Mandy: What kind of thing?
Meemaw: [stammers] Just a thing. It's been tended to. How- How far apart are your contractions?
Mandy: Connie, what's going on?
Meemaw: It's hemorrhoids, okay? It's embarrassing, but here we are. Hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids! Happy?
Mandy: Well, I'm about four centimeters dilated, and the doctors think it could be another few hours.
Meemaw: Well... Good. Walk slow.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Last chance. Who wants to witness science history? [everyone is silent] Don't be shy, folks.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: How you doing?
Mandy: Where were you?
George Jr.: I'm sorry. I was trying to install the car seat, and I didn't hear the phone.
Mandy: It's okay, you made it. Did you get it installed?
George Jr.: Sheldon did. Turns out, it takes a genius. [Mandy laughs, winces]

Quote from Billy Sparks

Missy: Where is my dad?
Billy Sparks: I ask that question a lot.
Missy: He's not usually late.
Billy Sparks: My mom's picking me up, but she's always late. Hey. Maybe they're together.
Missy: Why would they be together?
Billy Sparks: They could be having another secret meeting in the chicken coop.
Missy: He's probably running late at practice.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: I'm sure they're not together.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: I mean it.
Billy Sparks: Okay.
Missy: Shut up, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Quote from Sheldon

George Sr.: What about Mary? Ain't she at the bowling alley?
Brenda Sparks: No. Sh- She went out to lunch.
Sheldon: And speaking of lunch, we should get to my launch.
George Sr.: Sheldon, my granddaughter's about to be born. I-I'm not going anywhere.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sure Georgie will get more women pregnant. You'll have another chance.
George Sr.: Walk away.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary: I'm gonna stay at my mom's house tonight.
George Sr.: Fine by me.
Sheldon: [enters] I just talked to Dr. Sturgis. We didn't get a single subscriber. My database is a complete failure. [Mary averts her watery eyes. George is looking down at the floor.] I know, I'm upset, too.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Meemaw, are you coming to my party?
Meemaw: I wouldn't miss it.
Mary: Oh, we're gonna leave at 4:00 if you want to ride with us.
Meemaw: No, I have to meet you there. I got a little business I have to take care of.
Sheldon: Oh, if you're getting me a gift, it's not that kind of party. Although I wouldn't say no to a TI-81 graphing calculator.

Quote from Missy

George Sr.: So what all's gonna happen at this party?
Sheldon: Well, we're gonna post to UseNet that the database is live and then watch the monitor as the subscribers roll in.
Missy: And you're calling that a party? Bold.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: We still haven't settled on a name.
Mandy: Well, I was thinking maybe Alice.
George Jr.: Alice Cooper. That is badass. Sold.

Quote from Sheldon

Mandy: It's okay, I'll drive. Just come with me, okay?
Sheldon: Okay.
Mandy: Oh...
Sheldon: Does it hurt bad?
Mandy: Yes!
Sheldon: That's unfortunate. It's my understanding it's only gonna get worse.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Mandy: Sheldon, is Georgie there?
Sheldon: No.
Mandy: Is your mom there?
Sheldon: No.
Mandy: Are there any adults there?
Sheldon: No. But I have an IQ of 187. I'm sure I can figure out whatever's troubling you.
Mandy: My water broke. I'm in labor.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Quote from Mandy

Mandy: Wait, who said her last name's gonna be Cooper?
George Jr.: Well, that's my last name.
Mandy: Yeah, and mine's McAllister.
George Jr.: Yeah, but I'm the dad.
Mandy: So?
George Jr.: I think that's just the rule.
Mandy: Not my rule.
George Jr.: Well, all right. Let's not fight about it. I'm pretty sure she can hear us.
Mandy: Yeah, you're probably right. [clears throat] Please don't have a giant head!

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: Excuse me, which one of these car seats is the best?
Bruce: That'd be the Evenflo Discovery right here. Top of the line.
George Jr.: Great. [looks at price tag] Which one's your second best?
Bruce: Is it a gift for someone?
George Jr.: No, it's for me. I'm having a kid.
Bruce: Mm. I tell you, that first ride home from the hospital with the baby in the back, scariest drive of your life.
George Jr.: Well, I got a station wagon. It's like a tank with a cassette player.
Bruce: That's good, good. 'Cause you can't believe how fragile and tiny newborn babies are.
George Jr.: No, I can, I can believe it.
Bruce: So you know about that spot on their head that ain't even solid yet.
George Jr.: Sure.
Bruce: Anyway, uh, you were interested in the basic model.
George Jr.: Okay, pal, I'm in sales. I know what you're doing.
Bruce: So...
George Jr.: Just give me the expensive one.
Bruce: Good choice.

Quote from George Jr.

Mandy: Thanks for doing this.
George Jr.: Hey, you make a whole human being in your belly, I get the crib and car seat, we'll call it even.
Mandy: That is not even close to even.
George Jr.: Well, I'm just saying, my list is pretty long, and you only got the one thing. [Mandy scoffs]

Quote from Mandy

Brenda Sparks: Is there anyone else I can call for you? Maybe your mom?
Mandy: No, I can't deal with her right now. Maybe after they give me drugs.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Mary: Any plans for your day off?
Brenda Sparks: Nothing special.
Mary: Not seeing your mystery man?
Brenda Sparks: Just give me my check.
Mary: I don't mean to pry. It's just, your friends think you're keeping him a secret 'cause he's married.
Brenda Sparks: There's no mystery man. And you're prying.
Mary: Sorry.

Quote from Meemaw

Mary: Oh, remember today is Sheldon's big database launch party, so we're all very excited.
George Sr.: Yeah, how excited we talking, on a scale of one to ten?
Mary: Uh, I don't know. Six?
Meemaw: Do we have any understanding of what this data thing is?
Mary: Not a clue. [Sheldon enters] Morning, Shelly.
George Sr.: Hey, there's the big guy!
Meemaw: That was about a nine.

Quote from George Jr.

George Jr.: [enters] Sorry I'm late.
Jim: Oh, no, no, no. You're right on time. Told you.
Mandy: You are completely late, but I'm really glad you're here.
George Jr.: Do you want all these people around?
Mandy: No!
George Jr.: All right, everybody out.
Audrey: But...
George Jr.: Out.
Mary: Uh, we'll be in the waiting room if you need us.

Quote from Mandy

Audrey: I think we're getting close. Since the father's not here, I'll go in the delivery room with you.
Meemaw: Or I'm happy to go, if you want. [quietly] I'm not gonna be sitting down anytime soon.
Mary: Georgie will be here.
Audrey: If he were gonna be here, he'd be here. But honestly, who's surprised?
Jim: Well, I'm a little surprised.
Audrey: Jim, not now.
Jim: All right, well, I can have my own opinion. I think he's a good kid.
Audrey: You never take my side.
Jim: Are you kidding me?! I missed her whole pregnancy 'cause I took your side.
Audrey: So you're just, you're just okay with all of this?
Jim: My daughter is having a baby. I'm thrilled.
Mandy: Aw, Dad.

Quote from Jim

Mandy: [groans]
Jim: Okay, hang in there, baby, you're doing great.
Audrey: What did I just tell you?
Jim: I don't know what else to say.

Quote from Jim

Mary: [enters] Hey. Oh, how we doing?
Mandy: I'm all right. [Mary sighs] Are you all right?
Mary: I'm fine. Just fine.
Audrey: Fine? Looked like your husband was gonna punch out that guy in the waiting room.
Meemaw: What happened?
Mary: When did you get here?
Meemaw: Earlier. So, who did George almost punch?
Jim: Some little fella with a mustache. [Mary flashes an ashamed look to her mother]

Quote from Audrey

Jim: You're doing great, sweetie.
Audrey: Didn't work 30 years ago, doesn't work now.
Meemaw: I think I'll just let y'all have a little family time.
Mandy: Please stay.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Rob! Uh... Pastor Rob. It's Pastor Rob.
Brenda Sparks: I gathered.
Mary: Uh, lunch would be... fine. Yes. See you soon. Mm-hmm. [hangs up]
Brenda Sparks: Shall I pry?
Mary: Uh, it's nothing. He probably just wants to gossip about some church drama. So here's your check. Okay, bye.
Brenda Sparks: Buh-bye.

Quote from Audrey

Audrey: What's going on? Where's Mandy?
Mary: Uh, she's fine. She's in her room.
Audrey: So she's having a baby by herself while you're all out here?
George Sr.: No, Sheldon's with her.
Audrey: Unbelievable.

Quote from Brenda Sparks

Mary: Is my husband your mystery man?
George Sr.: No. She's dating someone else.
Mary: How do you know that?
George Sr.: She told me.
Mary: Why are you talking to my husband about your love life?
Brenda Sparks: You know, Mary, you might want to be careful about throwing stones, 'cause I've seen your glass house.
Mary: What does that mean?
Brenda Sparks: I saw how upset you were when this one was on a date.
Pastor Rob: Really?
George Sr.: What the hell do you mean, "really"?

Quote from George Sr.

George Sr.: What is he doing here?
Mary: He's a pastor, and he wanted to be here.
George Sr.: I mean what is he doing here with you?
Mary: He asked me for some advice, so we had lunch.
George Sr.: So that's why no one could find you for hours.
Mary: Are you accusing me of something?
George Sr.: Is there something to accuse you of?
Pastor Rob: Hey, today's the day of miracles. Do you really want to be fighting?
George Sr.: Stay out of this.
Mary: We didn't do anything wrong.
Brenda Sparks: I think I'm gonna head out.
George Sr.: No, he's staying, you're staying.
Mary: What does that mean?
George Sr.: Nothing, just... Nothing.
Mary: What's going on with you two?
George Sr.: [scoffs] What's going on with you two?

Quote from Mary

Pastor Rob: So, what do you think?
Mary: [exhales] Well, um... I would miss having you around, but I think you need to follow your heart.
Pastor Rob: What if my heart doesn't know what it wants?
Mary: I don't know. Pick a different organ.
Pastor Rob: Mary Cooper.
Mary: Oh, grow up. [Pastor Rob laughs] That's not what I meant.

Quote from Mary

Mary: What's going on?
George Sr.: Nothing. What's going on with you?
Mary: Who's with Mandy?
George Sr.: The doctor.
Mary: What are you two doing out here?
George Sr.: Waiting on you. Where have you been?
Mary: I was at lunch.
Pastor Rob: [enters] Hey. I hear we're having a baby. [everyone is silent] What? Did I miss it?

Quote from George Sr.

Brenda Sparks: Well, I, I guess I'm gonna go.
George Sr.: Come on, stay. Keep me company.
Brenda Sparks: Fine. Remember the last time we were here?
George Sr.: You mean the night you gave me a heart attack?
Brenda Sparks: [giggles] Stop it. I did not give you a heart attack.
George Sr.: You gave me something.
Brenda Sparks: Well... Oh, hey, Mary.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Shouldn't you be laying down?
Mandy: No, it's good to be on my feet. The doctor said this could take a while.
Sheldon: Could you be more specific? I have a thing at 5:00.

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