Mary: What are you doing?
George Jr.: Having coffee.
Mary: Uh, no, not in my house.
George Jr.: Oh, come on, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
Mary: Put it down.
George Jr.: I can't drink coffee, I can't chew tobacco, is there anything I can do?
Mary: Yeah, quit talking.

Sheldon: How come you never mentioned she was coming to this class?
Dr. John Sturgis: I thought it would be a fun surprise.
Sheldon: I don't like surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Neither do I.
Sheldon: Then why did you do it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Some people like surprises.
Paige: I love surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you enjoy this one?
Paige: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: A 50% success rate. Not bad.

Meemaw: I have only seen you eat vanilla ice cream for dessert. Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I've taken a page from the great physicist Richard Feynman. In order to have one less decision in his life, he decided that dessert would always be chocolate ice cream.
Meemaw: Sounds like it could get kind of boring.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it does. But over the last 35 years, I believe I've saved at least a day and a half.

Meemaw: Well, you have to let me cook for you sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I enjoy cooking for you. It's a means of expressing my affection. It also allows me to control the amount of garlic, which gives me the burps.
Meemaw: Well, I do make a mean barbecue, and I promise I can make it garlic-free.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Next time, you can express your affection for me.

Sheldon: Oh. Says here Fort Stockton is home to the world's largest roadrunner statue, which is the stuff of nightmares. But they do have a restroom.

Sheldon: Notes for psychology paper.
Missy: What you doing?
Sheldon: Shh. Family conflict has been observed. Subject M and Subject D have opposing views on relocating.
Missy: You better not be recording over my Janet Jackson tape.
Sheldon: Would you please?
Missy: Who's Subject M and Subject D?
Sheldon: I can't tell you that, you might skew the results.
Missy: Okay, then tell me what skew means.
Sheldon: Are you going to talk the whole time?
Missy: It seems to be annoying you, so, yeah.

Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to speak to Arthur Jeffries. He plays Professor Proton. But you probably know that, since you answer the phone at the station that makes the show, you lucky duck.
Then I'd like to leave him another message. Please tell him Sheldon Cooper called again and that I've successfully obtained the radioactive material that I'm looking for. Yes, americium-241. I have lots of it. I live at 5501 Grant Avenue, Medford, Texas. If you're sending me an autographed picture, I already have one. Ooh, how about one of his bow ties?

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] What's on your mind?
Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.

Meemaw: Binoculars for his birthday. What was I thinking?

George Sr.: [plunging] Maybe I'm being punished. Maybe I'm a bad person. That went in my mouth.

Sheldon: [choking] There's lemon in this water.

Herschel Sparks: So, what's going on with your truck, other than the fact it's got 130,000 miles on it?
George Sr.: She's been running hot. I'm worried I need a new radiator.
Herschel Sparks: As your friend and neighbor, I hope not, but as a businessman, that'd be pretty sweet.
George Jr.: It could just be the thermostat not opening right.
Herschel Sparks: That is correct.
George Sr.: How'd you know that?
George Jr.: I took auto repair last year.
George Sr.: And you actually paid attention?
George Jr.: I'm as surprised as you are.

Sheldon: You should probably settle on a specific date because when I want to go to RadioShack and my dad says, "Maybe another time," we never end up going.
Meemaw: Thank you so much, Sheldon. I think we got this.

Sheldon: Ew. Georgie, put your shoes back on!
George Jr.: He can't smell this.
Sheldon: Yes, I can!

Mary: Why aren't you eating, Sheldon?
Sheldon: How can I with that horrible noise?
Mary: What noise?
Sheldon: That irritating, high-pitched buzz.
George Jr.: I don't hear nothin'.
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Sheldon: How can you not?
Missy: Wait. I think I hear it.
Sheldon: You do?
Missy: Yeah. It's coming out of your face.

Mary: Anything you can tell me about the Walkers?
Peg: Not really, just a couple of newlyweds trying to figure it out.
Mary: Well, marriage is hard.
Peg: I'll never know.
Mary: Oh don't think that way. I'm sure there's someone out there for you.
Peg: Oh, no, that's not the problem. I just don't want to waste this on just one guy.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's all right, Connie. Sheldon's trying to justify his shortcut.
Sheldon: Not a shortcut, a more elegant and efficient method to achieve the correct answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I applaud the effort, young man.
Sheldon: Don't treat me like a child, treat me like a colleague.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Sheldon: How could you say that?! [CRYING]
Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Treating him like a colleague.
Meemaw: Do you and your colleagues make each other run out of the room crying like that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes. But we run slower, 'cause we're old.

Meemaw: Your ex-wife is a bitch.
Dale: I am so filled with love for you right now.

Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.

Sheldon: Missy said that Meemaw is upset at Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Don't worry, she'll get over it.
Sheldon: The question is will she get over it by Friday at 4:00 p.m.? That's when we leave for my class.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly.
Sheldon: I suppose she could drop me off outside. Where are we on me walking through parking lots alone these days?
Mary: How about this? Um, until she's up to it, I'll take you.
Sheldon: Thanks. The parking lot still gives me the willies.