Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.

Mary: You are right. You have been here longer than me. I don't see why we can't work together.
Peg: That'd be nice.
Mary: Great. So, why don't you go by the bank, and I will drop off the bulletin?
Peg: So no one's gonna answer the phones?
Mary: Fine. You just sit there, and I'll go and do everything.
Peg: Sweet. Oh, today's a stumper. Is "nipto" a word?
Mary: You know what? This is why I was taking charge of everything. Because if I don't, nothing will get done.
Peg: Oh, it's "pinto". [laughs]
Mary: This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Peg: Guess what, Mary. Things were getting done long before you got here.
Mary: I just want everything taken care of for Pastor Jeff.
Peg: Or you just like thinking you're better than everybody.

Pastor Jeff: Isn't he the cutest?
Mary: He sure is.
Peg: Oh.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, he's an angel. He's just happy all the time... morning, afternoon, middle of the night, 2:00a.m., 3:00a.m., all the a.m.'s, really.
Peg: Dip the pacifier in some whiskey, put him right out. But don't use the good stuff. They can't tell the difference.

Mary: So, how do you relate to young people?
Pastor Steve: Bad. Which is what kids these days say when they mean "good." It's a Michael Jackson song. [chuckles softly]
Peg: Here's another Michael Jackson song: Beat it.
Pastor Jeff: Peg.
Peg: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: But she's right. Thank you for coming.

Tam: You see a large red button. What do you do?
Billy Sparks: I press it.
Tam: The floor opens up and you plunge into a 60-foot pit.
Billy Sparks: I fly out. Up, up, and away!
Sheldon: Again, you're not Superman in this game; you're Superman for Halloween.
Tam: Which isn't till next week.
Billy Sparks: So I'm in a pit.
Tam: You're in a pit.
Billy Sparks: Then I blast my way out with my super breath! [BLOWING]
Sheldon: Just let him do it.

Mary: It's awful. It makes sin seem like a good thing.
George: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, nobody would do it.
Mary: George, please, I'm in no mood.
George: Hey. Wrath. That's one of the seven sins, right?
Mary: Pastor Jeff gave me this project because he knew I'd be best at it. Now Gene Lundy is taking over.
George: Oh, look, pride. And envy. Don't stop. Four sins to go. I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

Billy Sparks: Did you know Superman has a dog? His name is Krypto. He plays fetch in space.