Sheldon: [knocks three times] Mom? [knocks three times] Dad?
Mary: [o.s.] Yeah, baby? [Sheldon opens his parents' bedroom door]
Sheldon: I'm ready to graduate. Good night. [exits]
George Sr.: That's because I supported him.

George Sr.: I was hoping in college you wouldn't get called to the principal's office anymore.
Sheldon: She's not the principal. She's the president.
George Sr.: So if you're in trouble, you're in big trouble.
Sheldon: That's a fun way to look at it.

[fantasy:]
Missy: Daddy, I'm scared.
George Sr.: It's okay, baby.
Mary: We need to pray right now.
George Jr.: You do that. I'm having a beer.
Mary: Oh, everybody hold hands. Heavenly Father, watch over us...
Sheldon: I don't want to spend my last moments on Earth praying.
Meemaw: Yeah, if we only got a few minutes left, I want to spend it talking to y'all. You are all the light of my life. And I love you so much. [crashing outside]
Missy: Daddy. [hugs George]
George Sr.: Oh, I got you. I'm not letting go. I never said it enough, but I love y'all. Kids, you have made me a very proud father.
Sheldon: I'm not ready. There are so many things I want to do.
George Jr.: Well, you better pick one right now.
Sheldon: [panting] O-Okay, um... [hugs Mary]

Meemaw: Well, this is me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Guess I'll be seeing you next time you go shopping?
Meemaw: [chuckles] I look forward to it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie?
Meemaw: Yeah?
Dr. John Sturgis: Tuesdays are double coupons.
Meemaw: Good to know.

Missy: I was listening to that.
George Sr.: Thought you might want to talk.
Missy: That's why the door was shut and the music was loud... 'cause I want to talk.
George Sr.: Okay. Okay. [clears throat] If this is about a boy, I know it feels like the end of the world, but I promise you're gonna have other boyfriends.
Missy: I don't want other boyfriends. I want Marcus.
George Sr.: Well, you feel that way now, but you're only 11.
Missy: So my feelings don't matter?
George Sr.: Uh... Hey, how about we go get some ice cream?
Missy: I'm not a child.
George Sr.: Just trying to help.
Missy: Leave me alone!
[As Missy turns over and puts her head under a pillow, George stands up and turns Missy's boombox back on]

Mary: Anyway, Pastor Jeff is hoping to bring in someone from the outside to help.
Missy: Oh, and you're jealous 'cause you think you can do it better.
Mary: No. I'm sure whoever we get will do a wonderful job.
Missy: She's jealous.
Sheldon: You know it's bad when I can see it.

George Jr.: Why are you watching The Ten Commandments?
Missy: I've just been thinking about God.
George Jr.: Why?
Missy: I don't understand how a God that's supposed to be good lets such bad things happen.
George Jr.: Oh. Hmm. Can you think about it while I watch Yo! MTV Raps?
Missy: Sure.
George Jr.: Dope.

Missy: And then Pastor Rob said it doesn't matter if I believe in God 'cause God believes in me.
Mary: I said the same thing.
Missy: Not like he did.

George Sr.: Everything okay?
Missy: No.
George Sr.: What's wrong?
Missy: Everyone's parents are upset about the sex talk Mom wants to give, and all my friends are all blaming me.
George Sr.: What? This wasn't your fault.
Missy: That didn't stop Marjorie Jones from taking my seat at the lunch table, and I also got uninvited from two birthday parties.
Sheldon: That's silly. All you did was ask questions.
Missy: And it's ruining my life. I'm never talking about sex ever again.
George Sr.: Well, all right.

Missy: Wait, he has a room here and at school?
George Sr.: Well, it's just for downtime in between classes.
Missy: [sighs] Why is his life constantly better than mine?
Sheldon: That's a question you should get used to asking.
Mary: Don't be rude. And you have a very nice life.
Missy: Yeah, yeah, loving parents, blah, blah, blah.

Missy: [answers phone] Hello? Sheldon, it's for you.
Sheldon: Who is it?
Missy: Who is it? Travis.
George Sr.: Who's Travis?
Missy: Who are you? Friend of Sheldon's.
George Sr.: Really?
Missy: Really?

Missy: How long are we supposed to sit here?
Sheldon: I don't know. She said don't move. She was very clear.
Missy: Hope I don't have to go to the bathroom.

Sheldon: And now we see how it helps my science. Hmm. Hmm [groans] Come on, think. Probably needs more "Twinkle, Twinkle."

Mary: [on the phone] Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey.
Mary: So, we got Missy's invitation to Billy's party.
Brenda Sparks: Great. Hope she can make it.
Mary: But Sheldon's didn't arrive for some reason. Maybe it got lost in the mail?
Brenda Sparks: It didn't get lost.
Mary: What are you saying?
Brenda Sparks: I think you know what I'm saying.
Mary: So Sheldon isn't invited?
Brenda Sparks: See? You knew. Bye. [hangs up]

Missy: Ow. Ow. Is there a way to do this so it doesn't hurt?
Paige: No. Beauty is pain.
Missy: Boy George must really suffer.
Sheldon: Missy, I need a moment with Paige.
Missy: Make it quick. I'm only half-beautiful.

Mary: Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.
Herschel Sparks: A game?
Mary: Yes, a very disturbing one.
Herschel Sparks: Well, what're we talking about? Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?
Mary: No. Dungeons & Dragons.
Herschel Sparks: So everybody's got their trousers up?
Mary: Yes.
Herschel Sparks: What's the problem?
Mary: The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.
Herschel Sparks: But nobody's touching nothing, right?
Mary: No.
Herschel Sparks: Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.

Adult Sheldon: Rules are the pillars of society. I love rules. But what benefit are rules to a dead man?

Meemaw: I tell you what, how about we take my car?
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. So, would you be opposed to me sitting in the back seat? It's statistically the safest part of the car.
Meemaw: Actually, I would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Asked and answered.

Meemaw: Do you like guacamole?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Being from Maine, we didn't have much Mexican food. Or Mexican people.
Or people.

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, how do chimichangas work?
Meemaw: I have no idea.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I think we should try and find out.