Missy: How about you stay at Meemaw's? You like that.
Meemaw: No, Meemaw has a date.
Missy: So?
Meemaw: So if those shoes I just bought do their job, that will be a "no children allowed" scenario.

Missy: Did you guys know Paige speaks three languages?
Meemaw: Really? That's impressive.
Missy: You only speak one.
Sheldon: Two. I'm learning conversational Klingon.

Linda: How are things?
Mary: Well, at the moment, trying to get shoes for Sheldon, but they only have these, not the ones he likes.
Linda: Ah. You know, I think that brand is the same kind Einstein wore.
Sheldon: Well, I've never seen a picture of his feet. And you're a grown-up, so you wouldn't lie to me. I guess I have no choice but to believe you. All right, I'll try them.
Mary: Great! [mouths to Linda] Thank you.

Missy: And then Heather B said she didn't want to play tetherball with Heather M anymore.
George Sr.: Wait. Th-There's two Heathers?
Missy: Oh, yeah.
George Sr.: Which one's which?
Missy: Heather B is stuck up. Heather M used to be stuck up, but then she got a scoliosis brace.
George Sr.: Maybe she shouldn't be playing tetherball.
Missy: That's what Heather B said.

George Jr.: [answers phone] Hello?
Dale: Hi, it's Dale. Listen, you gotta tell your dad.
George Jr.: Well, I will, eventually.
Dale: Well, if you don't, I'm gonna.
George Jr.: I just need more time to figure things out.
Dale: Well, your dad's sniffing around here, he's asking a lot of questions.
George Jr.: What kind of questions?
Dale: Like why are you talking to me instead of him?
George Jr.: Why does he care?
Dale: His feelings are hurt.
George Jr.: That's weird.
Dale: I know. 'Cause talking to you ain't great.
George Sr.: [opens door] Can I get a hand with something?
Dale: Yeah. [on the phone] Oh, gotta go. I love you, Mom. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
George Sr.: Your mom's still alive?
Dale: Huh?

Mary: What are you doing?
George Jr.: Having coffee.
Mary: Uh, no, not in my house.
George Jr.: Oh, come on, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
Mary: Put it down.
George Jr.: I can't drink coffee, I can't chew tobacco, is there anything I can do?
Mary: Yeah, quit talking.

Meemaw: I have only seen you eat vanilla ice cream for dessert. Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I've taken a page from the great physicist Richard Feynman. In order to have one less decision in his life, he decided that dessert would always be chocolate ice cream.
Meemaw: Sounds like it could get kind of boring.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it does. But over the last 35 years, I believe I've saved at least a day and a half.

Meemaw: Well, you have to let me cook for you sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I enjoy cooking for you. It's a means of expressing my affection. It also allows me to control the amount of garlic, which gives me the burps.
Meemaw: Well, I do make a mean barbecue, and I promise I can make it garlic-free.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Next time, you can express your affection for me.

Mary: I owe you an apology. I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other, but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house, we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. That's nice to hear.
Mary: I mean it.
Pastor Jeff: Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tape so no one else could get in. [chuckling]
Mary: Okay.

Missy: "God, it's Missy again. If you can hear me better, it's 'cause I'm wearing a cross now. Please let me get a lot of hits on Saturday. And if their star pitcher breaks his arm or gets run over by a truck, I'd totally be okay with that." Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] What's on your mind?
Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.

Sheldon: Stay back!
Meemaw: Calm down. We're taking her home.
Missy: To be murdered.
Sheldon: Okay, have fun.

Pastor Jeff: What do you think?
Mary: How handsome! I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Herschel Sparks: So, what's going on with your truck, other than the fact it's got 130,000 miles on it?
George Sr.: She's been running hot. I'm worried I need a new radiator.
Herschel Sparks: As your friend and neighbor, I hope not, but as a businessman, that'd be pretty sweet.
George Jr.: It could just be the thermostat not opening right.
Herschel Sparks: That is correct.
George Sr.: How'd you know that?
George Jr.: I took auto repair last year.
George Sr.: And you actually paid attention?
George Jr.: I'm as surprised as you are.

Sheldon: Ew. Georgie, put your shoes back on!
George Jr.: He can't smell this.
Sheldon: Yes, I can!

Mary: Why aren't you eating, Sheldon?
Sheldon: How can I with that horrible noise?
Mary: What noise?
Sheldon: That irritating, high-pitched buzz.
George Jr.: I don't hear nothin'.
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Sheldon: How can you not?
Missy: Wait. I think I hear it.
Sheldon: You do?
Missy: Yeah. It's coming out of your face.

Sheldon: I have a problem with this permission slip. You didn't cut them in half evenly. Mine has two holes, and Derek here just has one.
Ms. MacElroy: Then trade.
Sheldon: Then Derek will have two holes, and mine will have one.
Ms. MacElroy: You're not going to the water park anyway!

George Sr.: Well, I was thinking you and I could go grab a burger.
George Jr.: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.
George Jr.: Which restaurant?
George Sr.: Why does it matter?
George Jr.: Well, McDonald's burgers are fried, and sometimes I like flame-broiled.
George Sr.: Fine, we can go to Burger King.
George Jr.: I don't like the fries at Burger King. Ooh, Arby's has those curly fries. Shoot, they don't have burgers.
George Sr.: [tersely] Then let's go to Whataburger.
George Jr.: Okay, but I hope you're not this cranky the whole meal.
George Sr.: [exhales]

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon. You look sad.
Sheldon: I am.
Billy Sparks: Want an egg?

Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.