Dr. John Sturgis: It's just so wonderful to see you all again.
Mary: We've been looking forward to it.
Sheldon: We sure have. [whispering] One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Uh, why are you counting?
Mary: You know Shelly. He loves his numbers.

Sheldon: Are you all right?
Missy: Leave me alone.
Sheldon: Was there a written test, and you couldn't remember what I told you?
Missy: No.
Meemaw: You want to be on that baseball team?
Missy: Yes, but the coach said-
Meemaw: I don't care what he said get your glove, let's go.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: Missy.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Do good baseball.

George Sr.: Guess who I'm grabbing a beer with. Your new friend, Dale.
Meemaw: Are you kidding me?
Sheldon: You were right, she's not happy.

Ms. MacElroy: These are the flyers for the canned food drive. And, Sheldon, you'll be happy to know, I made sure they were cut perfectly, so that each one has exactly one and a half holes.
Sheldon: But mine has half a hole on the top, and Derek's here has half a hole on the bottom.

Sheldon: Fascinating. It seems to be a carbon-based life-form. [to Mary] I'm interacting.

Mary: Okay. Shelly, can you turn the TV off for a second?
Sheldon: But after this commercial break, Professor Proton is going to use a candle to suck a hard-boiled egg into a milk bottle.

Sheldon: Ugh!
Pool: Why don't you like me?
Sheldon: You're full of bacteria.
Pool: So are you, but you don't hear me saying, "Ugh." It's rude. Look, I may just be pool water, but I still have feelings.
Sheldon: Sorry, water.
Pool: Come on. My pH level is 7.4, and with three parts per million of chlorine, I'm cleaner than your daddy's plate after Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheldon: Wow. That's pretty clean.
Pool: Look how clear I am, Sheldon. You can see all the way to the bottom. Closer. A little closer. A little closer. Gotcha!
[Sheldon wakes up in bed:]
Sheldon: Pool monster!

Batman: Young man. Yes, you. Pretending to be sick. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Sheldon: But I was afraid to go in the pool.
Batman: You are in a pool. A pool of your own deceit. If my mother were alive, I'd never lie to her. And I'd always eat her soup.

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Oh, baby. What are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: I don't need to be in bed. I'm not sick.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: I lied to you so that I wouldn't have to take the swim test.
Mary: You lied?
Sheldon: I feel terrible about it.
Mary: Well, you should feel terrible. I trusted you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so afraid to get in that pool, so I let Georgie and Missy teach me how to fake it. They said it was easy, but it's wasn't. It really wasn't.
Mary: Georgie and Missy taught you how to do this?
Sheldon: I cannot tell a lie they sure did!

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Coopers. Nice to see you, as always.
Mary: Lovely sermon today.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know. I couldn't hear over all the candy wrappers and gossip.
Meemaw: That's enough. Move along.

Mary: Shelly, I got you something.
Sheldon: The Professor Proton Science Kit! Wait a minute. Last time you gave me a present for no reason, I had to get a booster shot.
Mary: Nothing like that. I was just thinking, it might be a fun thing for you to share with Paige.
Sheldon: Sharing. Sometimes I feel like you don't know me.
Mary: Paige is having a rough time at home right now, and I think she could really use a friend.
Sheldon: A crocodile could really use a meal, but that doesn't mean I should leap into his mouth.
Adult Sheldon: This was the woman who cut the crusts off my sandwiches. She had me.
Sheldon: Into the mouth I go.

Sheldon: I can't believe you stole.
Paige: You walked out with it. You stole.
Sheldon: Why would I steal glitter? I already have a sparkling personality.
Paige: Tell it to the cops.
Sheldon: Or your cellmate.

Paige: Yeah?
Sheldon: I'm listening.
Paige: To what?
Sheldon: To you.
Paige: I'm not saying anything.
Sheldon: Well, if you wanted to say anything, I'd be listening.
Paige: But I don't want to say anything.
Sheldon: And I don't want to be listening, but here we are. Are you feeling better yet?

Sheldon: Does a family meal mark an escalation in your romantic relationship?
Dale: That's a good question. Does it?
Meemaw: You know what? Why don't you go sit at the kid table with your sister?
Sheldon: Where do I begin? They're loud, they're sweaty from sports...
Meemaw: Get.

Sheldon: Missy, how would you feel if there were somewhere just like Chuck E. Cheese, but instead of pizza and ball pits, there was locomotives and placards explaining their history?
Missy: That's just the museum.
Sheldon: I didn't think she'd see through that.

Mary: Oh, that's nice. You decided to stay home and play a game?
Missy: Nope. We're inventing a new game, and the winner gets to pick what we do today.
Sheldon: We had to find a way to make sure that it's completely fair to both of us.
Missy: So we made a list of 20 challenges that combine stuff we're both good at. Whoever wins each challenge gets to take a block and put it on top of their tower.
Sheldon: Whoever's tower reaches the height of this rocket first wins.
Mary: Okay, I will leave you to it.

George Jr.: Oh, platinum can be extracted from ordinary roadside gravel.
George Sr.: No, it can't.
Sheldon: Actually, it can. Catalytic converters contain platinum. Microparticles of that platinum are expelled in the exhaust and are mixed in with the gravel.
George Jr.: See? This thing's a gold mine.
Sheldon: It would be more apt to call it a platinum mine. [to George] I laughed at your joke.

George Jr.: Let's mine some platinum.
Sheldon: No, thank you. I don't care about money.
George Jr.: But you care about science, right?
Sheldon: Of course.
George Jr.: So I offer you the chance to do an experiment and you'd rather play a video game? What would Professor Proton think?
Sheldon: He'd be disappointed.
George Jr.: So what do you say?
Sheldon: I say we collect gravel.

Missy: What's your problem?
Sheldon: Mom and Dad won't let me build a kiln, so Georgie and I can't finish our experiment.
Missy: Before you tell me, I don't care what a kiln is.
Sheldon: Okay, but you'll never know it's a high-temperature oven.

George Sr.: What were you thinking?
George Jr.: Well-
George Sr.: I don't want to hear excuses. You could've burned the school down. What do you have to say for yourselves?
George Jr.: I thought you didn't want to hear my excuses.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we didn't break into the classroom. Georgie had permission from the teacher.
George Jr.: That is not important right now.
George Sr.: So you think a teacher said it was okay for a ten-year-old and an idiot to use a 2,000-degree oven unsupervised?
Sheldon: You fibber. [gasps] You also stole my Nutter Butter.