Sheldon: And who says you have to be mature to go to college? I've seen Animal House.
Meemaw: You have?
Sheldon: Well, I've seen the poster. Those people are not college material.

Meemaw: Moon Pie, I know you don't like to hear this, but there are some things in life that can only be learned in time.
Sheldon: So you must have learned them all, huh?
Meemaw: Get out of my house.

Mary: Shelly, you want ice cream?
Missy: Ice cream!
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: Here you go. And no runnin'.
Sheldon: In these loafers? Not a chance.
Mary: I was jokin'.
Sheldon: Okay.

Sheldon: Something suspicious is happening next door.
George: Like what?
Sheldon: Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to sell drugs.
George: No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
Sheldon: What's that?
George: They open up the house so people interested in buyin' it can take a look.
Sheldon: That explains why 911 hung up on me.

Adult Sheldon: I had no choice but to determine if any of these prospective home buyers would be suitable neighbors. This shifty fellow?
Sheldon: He looks like trouble.
Adult Sheldon: That woman and whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?
Sheldon: Probably a machete.
Adult Sheldon: Oh, this lady seems promising.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon laying awake at night as a baby cries]
Sheldon: Not on my watch.

Sheldon: Ooh, listen to this: "A seller or seller's agent must disclose if a homicide has occurred on the property."
Tam: Why is that helpful?
Sheldon: That could scare off any unwanted buyers.
Tam: Has there ever been a murder next door?
Sheldon: I sure hope so.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Officer Robin. This is Sheldon Cooper.
Officer Robin: What's wrong, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was wondering if anyone was murdered in the house next door to mine.
Officer Robin: You mean murdered today?
Sheldon: No, ever, but today would work, too.
Officer Robin: It'll take me a while to check.
Sheldon: That's fine, I can hold. [to Tam] Tell Mr. Givens I may be a little late to class. It's a police matter.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Yes, I'm still here.
Officer Robin: Sorry, no murders. Just one death from natural causes in 1948.
Sheldon: How can we be sure it wasn't foul play?
Officer Robin: The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's a lot of years to make enemies.
Officer Robin: Bye. [line clicks, dial tone sounds]

Sheldon: Mr. Lundy. Oh, what now? What happened with the open house after you had me kicked out? Were there any potential buyers? And if so, can I have their names so I can run a background check with my friends in blue?

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah, well... Neither-neither do you!

Ms. Ingram: I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Sheldon: Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently, I'm hilarious.

Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.

George: You want your boss living next door?
Mary: Not exactly.
Sheldon: You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that Principal Petersen cannot live next door to me.
Missy: That sounds made-up.
Sheldon: A principal who tells lies. What are we gonna do with this one?

Mary: So, Sheldon, little bit of dental news. You have a baby tooth that never fell out.
Sheldon: Neat. Even my teeth are stubborn.

Richard Feynman: [v.o.] All right, hang on. Where is the fun in finding things out if some joker with a bird head just tells you the answer?
Sheldon: But a grand unified field theory would explain the universe.
Richard Feynman: Answers are all well and good, but a real scientist loves the thrill of the chase. Am I right, Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: [v.o.] I would agree. I do also enjoy the thrill of rolling over bubble wrap with my chair.
Professor Proton: It-it is fun to pop that stuff, isn't it?
Stephen Hawking: So fun.