Mary: So that little Hanson girl, that was horrible, huh?
Peg: Yeah. Reminds you that life is precious. [Takes a drag on her cigarette, coughing loudly] You're up, slugger. [continues coughing]

Mary: Good morning, Peg.
Peg: Well, it will be once this cup of Sanka works its magic.
Mary: Is Pastor available?
Peg: Oh, he's on the phone with his wife.
Mary: Oh, should I come back?
Peg: Nah. He usually gets his groveling done pretty quick.

Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.

Mary: I always felt I had a flair for the creative arts, but putting on a big show like that-
Pastor Jeff: You'll have a sizable budget and all the help you'll need constructing sets, building props, special effects, makeup.
Mary: Does sound tempting.
Pastor Jeff: But, most importantly, you'll have an opportunity to bring people to God by vividly demonstrating the perils of sin.
Peg: Be careful if you touch on adultery. Last year, one of the actors got pregnant.
Pastor Jeff: Thanks, Peg.

Mary: Morning, Peg. I need to run Sunday's bulletin by Pastor Jeff. Is he in?
[JEFF COUGHING]
Peg: Yep.
[COUGHING CONTINUES]
Mary: Is he coming down with somethin'?
Peg: Yep. [COUGHS]
Mary: Oh, my, are you sick, too?
Peg: [COUGHING] Never better.

Mary: Anything you can tell me about the Walkers?
Peg: Not really, just a couple of newlyweds trying to figure it out.
Mary: Well, marriage is hard.
Peg: I'll never know.
Mary: Oh don't think that way. I'm sure there's someone out there for you.
Peg: Oh, no, that's not the problem. I just don't want to waste this on just one guy.

Peg: - What's that about?
Mary: Oh, just trying not to breathe the smoke in.
Peg: [chuckles] Come on. It already went through the filter and my lungs. This stuff is squeaky clean. [coughs]
Mary: Well, still.
Peg: He's all yours, your highness.

Mary: Good morning, Peg.
Peg: Any morning you wake up is a good morning.

Peg: I bet you're disappointed that cute little blonde girl got sick and you're working with me.
George Jr.: I guess.
Peg:You're gonna learn life's like that. A parade of disappointments.
George Jr.: Is that so?
Peg: Yep. Sooner you give up, the better. When did you give up?
Peg: June 14, 1945. The man I loved came home from the war with syphilis. Now ask me how I found out.
George Jr.: No, thank you.

Mary: Hey, I'm gonna need you to drop the bulletin off at the printers. And while you're out, could you also swing by the bank and make a deposit?
Peg: Sure, and there's one thing you could do for me.
Mary: What's that?
Peg: Quit riding my hump.
Mary: Excuse me?
Peg: You're not the boss around here.
Mary: [exhales] No, but Pastor Jeff's away, and I'm the church secretary.
Peg: Okay. Take a memo. "You're not in charge. Peg".

Mary: You are right. You have been here longer than me. I don't see why we can't work together.
Peg: That'd be nice.
Mary: Great. So, why don't you go by the bank, and I will drop off the bulletin?
Peg: So no one's gonna answer the phones?
Mary: Fine. You just sit there, and I'll go and do everything.
Peg: Sweet. Oh, today's a stumper. Is "nipto" a word?
Mary: You know what? This is why I was taking charge of everything. Because if I don't, nothing will get done.
Peg: Oh, it's "pinto". [laughs]
Mary: This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Peg: Guess what, Mary. Things were getting done long before you got here.
Mary: I just want everything taken care of for Pastor Jeff.
Peg: Or you just like thinking you're better than everybody.

Pastor Jeff: Isn't he the cutest?
Mary: He sure is.
Peg: Oh.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, he's an angel. He's just happy all the time... morning, afternoon, middle of the night, 2:00a.m., 3:00a.m., all the a.m.'s, really.
Peg: Dip the pacifier in some whiskey, put him right out. But don't use the good stuff. They can't tell the difference.

Pastor Jeff: So, where you from?
Pastor Charlie: Originally Rhode Island.
Mary: And you're a Southern Baptist?
Pastor Charlie: I guess I'm more of a Northern Baptist, but we're all just Baptists, right? [chuckles]
Peg: I'll show him out.

Mary: So, how do you relate to young people?
Pastor Steve: Bad. Which is what kids these days say when they mean "good." It's a Michael Jackson song. [chuckles softly]
Peg: Here's another Michael Jackson song: Beat it.
Pastor Jeff: Peg.
Peg: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: But she's right. Thank you for coming.

Mary: You really think that's an appropriate topic for kids their age?
Pastor Jeff: Well, they seem to have a lot of questions about... S-E-X.
Peg: Sex, sex, sex. Get over it.
Mary: I just think that's a subject best left up to the parents.
Pastor Rob: Glad you feel that way, because it was your daughter who had the most questions.
Peg: [laughs]

Pastor Rob: See? Even we have questions. Why wouldn't the kids? I think they deserve honest answers.
Mary: You seem to know a lot about children for someone who has none of their own.
Peg: [imitates cat growling]

[As Mary and Peg stuff and lick envelopes at the church]
Peg: [coughs]
Mary: Maybe we take a little break and let this one dry out.
Peg: You don't have to ask me twice. [coughs]
Mary: Do you ever think about quitting?
Peg: This job? Yeah. [points to ad] Since when did we start advertising gambling rooms?
Mary: What? It's a Laundromat.
Peg: Yeah, and the massage parlor off the freeway is for stiff necks.
Mary: [scoffs] Well, that is a legitimate business. My mother owns it, my son works there.
Peg: If you say so.
Mary: I do say so.
Peg: Fine.
Mary: It's true.
Peg: I'd say, "Want to bet," but I lost 40 bucks last night at your mom's "legitimate business."

Peg: [whispers to Mary] If Sheldon finds booze, dibs.

Mary: What'd you get?
Pastor Rob: Backpack full of water balloons.
Mary: Oh.
Pastor Rob: You?
Mary: Sassy magazine. [Peg laughs]
Pastor Rob: Uh-oh.
Peg: I found this Walkman.
Mary: Peg, they can have that.
Peg: Mine now.

Pastor Rob: Peg, how's it going?
Peg: Last time I checked, they were all alive.
Mary: Where's Sheldon?
Peg: Huh.