Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Mary: Okay, if you really want me to.
Pastor Jeff: I do. In fact, for the rest of the day, you're in charge. All right? The bulletins, the palms, it's all you.
Mary: Well, all right, um, but only if you promise to go home and get some rest.
Pastor Jeff: Sure. Home, movie theater, food court, somewhere.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. What's up?
Mary: Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?
Pastor Jeff: My sweet spot. Sit. What's the buzz? Tell me, what's a-happenin'? Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a great show.

Mary: Pastor Jeff, are you still looking for a topic for this week's sermon?
Pastor Jeff: You mean the one I'm doing in 20 minutes?
Mary: Sorry, silly question.
Pastor Jeff: No. What do you got? I was gonna do Noah's ark, but Sheldon's gonna eat me alive, like those two lions would've done to those two giraffes.
Mary: Well, I've been thinking about the importance of being neighborly.

Mary: So, when were you thinking? Uh, spring, summer?
Pastor Jeff: Next Sunday.
Mary: Uh, oh. That is soon. Uh, you're not?
Officer Robin: No.
Pastor Jeff: Because we haven't, you know...
Officer Robin: But we would like to.
Pastor Jeff: But we can't 'cause I'm a pastor.
Officer Robin: But we can once we're married.
Pastor Jeff: So Sunday it is.
Mary: Okay.
Officer Robin: Or maybe Saturday.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, Saturday. Even better.
Officer Robin: I cannot wait.
Pastor Jeff: Me, either.
Mary: Still here. [all chuckling]

Mary: Would you look at these sugar flowers?
Pastor Jeff: I'm too busy looking at the price tag. Judas Priest.

Pastor Jeff: What do you think?
Mary: How handsome! I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Pastor Jeff: Hey. Robin says the house next door to y'all is for sale.
Mary: Oh, yeah, it is.
Pastor Jeff: Is it nice?
Mary: Uh... nice enough. Why? Are you thinking about moving?
Pastor Jeff: I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house I shared with my ex-wife.
Mary: That's understandable.
Pastor Jeff: I want her to be happy. 'Cause I love her. Not just 'cause she's a cop with a gun. [chuckles] But that's part of it.

Pastor Jeff: Here's the payroll checks.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Jeff: If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next door. Sorry it's so close.

Mary: I owe you an apology. I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other, but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house, we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. That's nice to hear.
Mary: I mean it.
Pastor Jeff: Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tape so no one else could get in. [chuckling]
Mary: Okay.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, George, thank you for the call. Tonya, apologize to the Coopers.
Tonya: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, you're gonna be. Our trip to the Noah's Ark petting zoo, that's off.
Tonya: I'm too old for that anyway.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize 14 was too old to pet two of many kinds of animals. Come on. Your parents are getting a phone call.
Tonya: Great, maybe they'll send me to live with my fun uncle.
Pastor Jeff: Jerry is not fun, and he's in rehab.

Meemaw: Well, if you're gonna save our souls, we're gonna have to survive. How about you put in a word with your boss?
Pastor Jeff: Right. Everyone, hold hands. [thunder crashing] Dear Lord, please keep us safe. And not just those of us huddled here in this establishment, but all our loved ones, wherever they may be. Our family and friends. Please forgive us our mistakes and our sins, and let us come through this stronger and closer together in our faith. Amen.

Pastor Jeff: What's going on?
Mary: Mandy and Georgie are out, so I was hoping that maybe we could sneak in an early baptism for CeeCee.
Pastor Jeff: You know we don't do infant baptism.
Mary: Yeah, yeah. But I'm afraid that if we don't do it now, CeeCee's gonna end up... Catholic.
Pastor Jeff: They do love to get 'em early.
Mary: Yes. Come on.

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.