Pastor Jeff Quote #7
Quote from Pastor Jeff in the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens
Pastor Jeff: You all right, Mare?
Mary: No, not really. Um. I can't stop thinking about that little girl.
Pastor Jeff: I understand. That's why it's important in these times to take comfort in our faith.
Mary: What if that's not doing the trick?
Pastor Jeff: Events like this can certainly create doubt. It happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.
Mary: What do you do?
Pastor Jeff: I roll up my sleeves and I work even harder at serving our Lord. Mary, we each have a relationship with God, and relationships take work. Get out there. Help the needy, start a Bible study, hug a stranger and tell 'em the Lord loves 'em. [CHUCKLES] But not a child; that backfires on you, big-time.
Pastor Jeff Quotes
Quote from the episode A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.
Quote from the episode A Broom Closet and Satan's Monopoly Board
Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.
Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.
‘A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens’ Quotes
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?
Quote from George Jr.
Georgie: Would you feel more confident if I told you I already know how to drive?
George: Video games don't count.
Georgie: I'll have you know I've driven Meemaw's car. I also drove your truck one night while you were sleeping.
George: Are you crazy?!
Georgie: I parked it and everything, you had no idea.
George: Okay, let let me get this straight. You're trying to prove to me that you're a responsible person by admitting you stole my truck.
Georgie: I said I was responsible, never said I was smart.
Quote from George Sr.
Sheldon: And then I said octopus aliens didn't need to become Christian because they're not affected by original sin.
Missy: You should've been there; Pastor Jeff almost started crying.
George: Oh, now I'm sorry I missed it.
Mary: That's your fault for having a hangover.
George: Or it's God's fault for putting Sunday morning after Saturday night.