Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Pastor Jeff: I have this feeling inside that I should head home.
Mary: Well, then you got to honor that feeling, that's God.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. You want to come with?
Mary: Do you really want me there while you patch things up with your wife?
Pastor Jeff: She's less likely to throw any steak knives if we have company.
Mary: Um, if you think it'll help, I suppose-
Pastor Jeff: Great, let's hit it.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, I hate to say this, but I think it's time for me to move on. I thought even as a teenager, I'd been called to preach the word of God, but maybe that was just my ego. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
Mary: Don't say that. You're a great preacher.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. But it's clear. I need to trod a new path.
Mary: Well, what would you do? Trodding wise.
Pastor Jeff: I don't know. Maybe work with my hands amongst men, on an oil rig, or a fishing trawler. I also know how to blow glass. I could turn a pretty penny at swap meets.

Pastor Jeff: You must be Cain, because you're not Abel to hit the target.

Pastor Jeff: Wow, you're really getting this together fast. I feel like I'm not helping at all.
George: Oh, come on now. You cut those oranges into nice little wedges.
Pastor Jeff: I do it for the kids at Sunday school. They go to town on 'em.

Pastor Jeff: Just wanted to bring by some get-well cards from the kids at Sunday school.
George: Well, isn't that sweet.
Pastor Jeff: Some interesting spellings of the name "George." My favorites are "Gorge" and "Garage." [chuckles]
George: Well, you tell the kids that Coach Gorge appreciates it.
Pastor Jeff: Will do.

George: You want to sit?
Pastor Jeff: I'm not gonna stay long. I just want to pray over you a little and let you get some rest.
George: Oh. Okay, yeah, sure.
Pastor Jeff: Lord, I thank you for George Cooper and pray that you heal him from the inside out. This is a good man, a family man, a devoted father and a faithful husband. Bless him and everything he does. Amen.
Mary: Heck yes, amen!

Mary: [enters] Pastor Jeff, you wanted to see me... Oh. Hello.
Pastor Rob: Looks like we both got called to the principal's office. Guess we've been naughty.
Mary: [laughing] That's not a thing.
Pastor Jeff: You okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just didn't sleep too good.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I didn't either. My phone was ringing off the hook. Apparently, this little talk y'all were planning on giving is causing quite the tizzy.
Pastor Rob: A good tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: There's no such thing as a good tizzy. There's only bad tizzies.
Pastor Rob: You know who wasn't afraid of causing a tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, yeah, Jesus, but He didn't get 14 messages from angry parents on his answering machine. There was probably more, but that little tape got full.

Pastor Jeff: Everything okay?
Mary: I feel like I'm a failure as a mother.
Pastor Jeff: What? Why?
Mary: Georgie dropped out of school, and now he's working in a gambling room. I tried so hard to keep him on the right path, and now I feel like I'm just pushing him away.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, teenagers rebel. When I was a kid in El Paso, we used to cross the border to drink beer and dance the night away.
Mary: I thought your father was a pastor.
Pastor Jeff: He was. It didn't stop me.
Mary: It's hard to imagine.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure my father felt the same way when he found his little jefe doing the hustle en la discoteca. [both chuckle] Just picture this, but with a big ol' '70s perm. I looked like a Chia Pet.

Pastor Jeff: Well, I've already confiscated a can of shaving cream, a box of stink bombs and a PG- movie.
Mary: What was the movie?
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing. Which is redundant because all dancing's dirty.
Mary: Well, I guess it's good we got some eyes on the inside.
[When Mary and Jeff look over at Sheldon, who is pretending to read a book, he subtly nods]

Pastor Jeff: What's up?
Mary: I was hoping to get your take on something.
Pastor Jeff: Of course.
Mary: Um... This isn't really about me, but I recently met a young woman who got pregnant, um... out of wedlock.
Pastor Jeff: I see. Is the young man in the picture?
Mary: He is.
Pastor Jeff: Well, as long as they tie the knot before the bambino pops out, the big guy looks the other way.
Mary: Right, right. But the woman isn't so keen on... knots or tying them.
Pastor Jeff: Then I'm afraid she and that poor baby are in for a difficult time.

Mary: I know. Um... What about the parents of the young couple?
Pastor Jeff: Well, they certainly didn't raise these kids with the right values. I only get them one day a week. The rest of it's on Mom and Dad.
Mary: [chuckles] Right. Right. Um... Oh. But, um... what if the boy's parents did want to do the right thing? I don't see how it's their fault.
Pastor Jeff: Well, didn't the boy still have premarital sex which led to pregnancy?
Mary: [exhales] Yes.
Pastor Jeff: You have to ask, where were his parents?
Mary: Mm-hmm. These are all good questions.

Pastor Jeff: I was hoping we could chat about your video store.
Meemaw: What about it?
Pastor Jeff: I'm just so glad it's in the hands of a good Christian woman.
Meemaw: Where you headed here, padre?
Pastor Jeff: [clears throat] Well, some of my flock have concerns about the movies y'all rent. You know, the ones with the sexual content and whatnot.
Meemaw: If they don't want to see whatnot, then they shouldn't rent whatnot.
Pastor Jeff: I hear you. God gave us free will. But you're renting temptation. And you know who tempts us? The devil.
Meemaw: So, that's who's making me want to slam this door in your face.

Pastor Jeff: I will remind you my wife is a police officer.
Meemaw: I've just come with a little peace offering. My last copy of Basic Instinct. So there you go. [pulls tape] No more naked ladies, no more Michael Douglas' bare butt giving me impure thoughts. The town is safe again.
Pastor Jeff: Well, thank you for seeing reason.
Meemaw: Well, what kind of good Christian woman would I be if I didn't? So, we square?
Pastor Jeff: It's not about you and me being square, Connie. It's about you and El Jefe Grande.
Meemaw: Mm-hmm. Well, goodbye.
Pastor Jeff: You know, I'd be happy to come down and let you know what other movies are objectionable so we don't have another situation on our hands.
Meemaw: You want to take more movies out of my store?
Pastor Jeff: Again, not me, but there's a guy with a thumb a lot bigger than Siskel or Ebert's.

George: Ooh, what do you got there? New TV?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George: Ooh. Trinitron. That's pricey.
Pastor Jeff: There was a sale.
George: Where?
Pastor Jeff: I don't know, my wife bought it. Probably with coupons.
George: You lucky duck.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. [George chuckles] He doth provide.
George: I guess so. How big is it?
Pastor Jeff: I don't really know.
George: Well... it says 27 inches on the box.
Pastor Jeff: [forced laughter] 27.