Mary: I-I'm sure it's just a rough patch.
Pastor Jeff: Boy, I hope so.
Mary: Well, if there's any way I can make your life easier, you let me know.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you, Mary. I really appreciate it.
Mary: Oh, I almost forgot, um, Sheldon's here with me today.
Pastor Jeff: [unenthusiastic] Great.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, George, I can't thank you enough for this.
George Jr.: It was our pleasure.

George Sr.: So, tough times, huh?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George Sr.: Yeah. Hey, uh, does the Bible say anything about heartache and such?
Pastor Jeff: Psalm 147, verse three: "The Lord healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."
George Sr.: Well, there you go-eth.