Pastor Jeff Quotes

Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit

Pastor Jeff: Lock-in? I love it!
Pastor Rob: Look at that.
Mary: You always say no.
Pastor Jeff: That was before I had a baby in the house. I love him, but a night away sounds like magic.

Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit

Pastor Jeff: Well, I've already confiscated a can of shaving cream, a box of stink bombs and a PG- movie.
Mary: What was the movie?
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing. Which is redundant because all dancing's dirty.
Mary: Well, I guess it's good we got some eyes on the inside.
[When Mary and Jeff look over at Sheldon, who is pretending to read a book, he subtly nods]

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. Quick question. Why can I see you through my newsletter?
Mary: Oh, sorry, I had to remove one of the ads.
Pastor Jeff: Was there anything important on the other side?
Mary: Just Peg's recipe for her grape salad.
Pastor Jeff: With the mayonnaise and the pretzels. Barf.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Pastor Jeff: Everything okay?
Mary: I feel like I'm a failure as a mother.
Pastor Jeff: What? Why?
Mary: Georgie dropped out of school, and now he's working in a gambling room. I tried so hard to keep him on the right path, and now I feel like I'm just pushing him away.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, teenagers rebel. When I was a kid in El Paso, we used to cross the border to drink beer and dance the night away.
Mary: I thought your father was a pastor.
Pastor Jeff: He was. It didn't stop me.
Mary: It's hard to imagine.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure my father felt the same way when he found his little jefe doing the hustle en la discoteca. [both chuckle] Just picture this, but with a big ol' '70s perm. I looked like a Chia Pet.

Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

Mary: [enters] Pastor Jeff, you wanted to see me... Oh. Hello.
Pastor Rob: Looks like we both got called to the principal's office. Guess we've been naughty.
Mary: [laughing] That's not a thing.
Pastor Jeff: You okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just didn't sleep too good.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I didn't either. My phone was ringing off the hook. Apparently, this little talk y'all were planning on giving is causing quite the tizzy.
Pastor Rob: A good tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: There's no such thing as a good tizzy. There's only bad tizzies.
Pastor Rob: You know who wasn't afraid of causing a tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, yeah, Jesus, but He didn't get 14 messages from angry parents on his answering machine. There was probably more, but that little tape got full.

Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

Pastor Rob: I'm thinking it might be a good idea if we gave the kids a talk about the facts of life.
Pastor Jeff: You mean like, S-E-X?
Peg: Who are you spelling that for?
Pastor Jeff: G-O-D.

Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

Pastor Rob: I just think this is our chance to get in first before they learn it on TV.
Pastor Jeff: That is true. I flipped past MTV the other night, and a song was on called... [quietly] "I Wanna Sex You Up."
Mary: What does that even mean?
Pastor Jeff: I turned it off before the young man could clarify.
Peg: Well, if you ask me, I think it means he wants to...
Mary: No one asked you.

Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

Pastor Jeff: It's time we hire a youth pastor.
Peg: Fresh blood. I like the sound of that.
Pastor Jeff: I already put in a call to my buddy at the Southern Baptist Convention.
Mary: So, this isn't open for discussion? It's already happening?
Pastor Jeff: As they say in the rec room Tuesday nights: "Bingo!"
Peg: [hisses] S-s-sorry.

Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

Pastor Jeff: And then his mother put baby Moses in a basket and sent him down the river.
Missy: [raises hand] Why?
Pastor Jeff: Maybe he was crying all night and his mother and father needed a break.
And maybe his grandmother was in town to help out, but she went to bed early because she had jet lag after her flight from Dallas.

Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

Pastor Andy: Who is my favorite apostle and why? That is a toughie. [chuckles] [Jeff looks knowingly at Mary] Although, I suppose any answer other than Judas is safe. [Mary looks knowingly at Jeff]

Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

Pastor Jeff: Okay. Who is your favorite apostle and why?
Pastor Rob: Ooh. I'm-a say Judas.
Mary: What? How?
Pastor Rob: Well, for man to be redeemed, our Lord had to die. If Judas hadn't betrayed him, mankind wouldn't have been saved. Pretty cool.
Pastor Jeff: [exhales] I never thought about it like that.
Pastor Rob: Well, you know, when you come at things from unexpected angles, people pay attention more. It's what I hope to do with the kids.
Peg: [chuckles] Well, you got my attention.
Mary: Hold on. I'm not sure that we should be teaching the kids that Judas was cool.
Pastor Rob: Well, I just try to see everyone the way Jesus would.
Pastor Jeff: Preach.
Pastor Rob: No, no, that's your job. Look, I just want to get the kids excited about church. Think of me as the warm-up band before you hit the stage.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] I think we just found our new youth pastor.
Mary: Can we discuss this?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. When can you start?

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

Pastor Jeff: Just wanted to bring by some get-well cards from the kids at Sunday school.
George Sr.: Well, isn't that sweet.
Pastor Jeff: Some interesting spellings of the name "George." My favorites are "Gorge" and "Garage." [chuckles]
George Sr.: Well, you tell the kids that Coach Gorge appreciates it.
Pastor Jeff: Will do.

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

George Sr.: You want to sit?
Pastor Jeff: I'm not gonna stay long. I just want to pray over you a little and let you get some rest.
George Sr.: Oh. Okay, yeah, sure.
Pastor Jeff: Lord, I thank you for George Cooper and pray that you heal him from the inside out. This is a good man, a family man, a devoted father and a faithful husband. Bless him and everything he does. Amen.
Mary: Heck yes, amen!

Quote from the episode The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics

Pastor Jeff: I never thought I could love anything this much. [voice breaking] I used to think I loved my dog Waffles, but it doesn't even compare.
Mary: You okay?
Pastor Jeff: Sorry. I'm fine. Just haven't been sleeping lately.
Mary: Why don't you go home? We can handle things here.
Pastor Jeff: No. No, I'm good. I got work to do. [voice breaking] Away from my son, who's probably wondering where his daddy went and if he's ever coming home.
Mary: Maybe go.

Quote from the episode A Box of Treasure and the Meemaw of Science

Pastor Jeff: Get this. I drove past the Methodist church and you know what the sign out front said?
Mary: What?
Pastor Jeff: "Friendship, pirate ship, try the best ship... worship."
Mary: Clever.
Pastor Jeff: That was our sign last year! I wrote that!
Mary: Isn't the most important thing that it might get more people to go to church?
Pastor Jeff: But whoever did it has the sin of stealing on their soul now, so at least there's that.
Mary: There you go.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Pastor Jeff: Wow, you're really getting this together fast. I feel like I'm not helping at all.
George Sr.: Oh, come on now. You cut those oranges into nice little wedges.
Pastor Jeff: I do it for the kids at Sunday school. They go to town on 'em.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Pastor Jeff: Thanks again. Robin is gonna be thrilled with this.
George Sr.: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Mary. She's the one who said I had to do it.
Pastor Jeff: Just out of curiosity, did she also mention helping me build the crib at some point?
George Sr.: No.
Pastor Jeff: Well, act surprised when she does.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

George Sr.: How you doing back there?
Pastor Jeff: I've never felt so alive! Praise the Lord! Let's go to Mexico!

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Mary: Pastor Jeff, you got a second?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. I might've called before dropping in, but that's just how I was raised.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Pastor Jeff: Here's the payroll checks.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Jeff: If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next door. Sorry it's so close.