Meemaw Quotes
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Vern: Vern.
Meemaw: Connie.
Vern: Where you headed, Connie?
Hortense: Stop flirting with her.
Vern: I'm not flirting with her. I was being cordial.
Hortense: Mm-hmm. I'm Hortense, his wife, which, clearly, he seems to have forgotten.
Vern: Judas Priest, give it a rest.
Hortense: That's Doris.
Meemaw: Hello, Doris.
Doris: What?
Vern: Turn on your hearing aid.
Meemaw: It's nice to meet y'all. And to answer your question, I'm headed to the salon.
Hortense: Oh, fancy. We're headed to the pharmacy.
Vern: Seven pills a day.
Hortense: You take nine... Clearly one ain't working.
Doris: Okay, I'm on. What'd I miss?
Hortense: She's headed to the salon!
Doris: Ooh, fancy.
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Clayton: Hey, I'm just gonna run Doris into the bank. We'll be back in a minute. [Doris is walking off] Doris. Whoa. [closes van door]
Hortense: You seem like you can get around, so why are you in this geezer-buggy?
Meemaw: I had a little car accident.
Hortense: Oh, no.
Vern: Ooh. Anybody get hurt?
Meemaw: Only the tree.
Vern: Step on the wrong pedal?
Meemaw: No. Maybe.
Hortense: Maybe, my ass.
Vern: Hey, that sort of thing happens.
Hortense: Oh. He drove into all kinds of stuff before they took his keys away.
Vern: [chuckles] Remember the goose?
Hortense: Ooh.
Vern: Feathers everywhere.
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Meemaw: So, I was singing karaoke with my girlfriend who used to be married to the guy I'm currently dating.
Doris: What the heck is a karaoke?
Meemaw: It's when you stand up and sing in front of everybody at the bar.
Vern: You're like a Las Vegas showgirl. [Hortense laughs]
Meemaw: Oh, no, no, anybody can do it. I'll take you sometime.
Vern: Oh, please. Can we?
Hortense: Well, could I sing "Blue Suede Shoes"?
Meemaw: You bet.
Vern: You better turn your hearing aid down for that one.
Doris: You got that right.
Quote from the episode The Geezer Bus and a New Model for Education
Vern: Sarah did a real nice job on my cuticles.
Hortense: Yeah.
Meemaw: So where we headed next? And don't say dinner.
Hortense: Oh, but it's almost 4:00.
Doris: What?!
Hortense: [loudly] It's almost 4:00.
Doris: Ooh, dinnertime.
Meemaw: Just get in.
Hortense: Ooh. She's like a muscle man.
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Meemaw: It's nice you're taking Brenda out.
Mary: I'm glad someone thinks I can be fun.
Meemaw: Who said fun? I said "nice."
Meemaw: Okay, well, if you're so fun, where would you go?
Meemaw: It's not rocket science. She just wants to go out to a bar and have some laughs.
Mary: I can do that.
Meemaw: You don't sound too sure.
Mary: It's been a while, but there's no reason...
Meemaw: You want me to come?
Mary: I'll pay for all your drinks.
Meemaw: You gonna regret that. [chuckles]
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Meemaw: So how come it's taken us so long to hang out?
Brenda Sparks: Well... my husband never left me before.
Meemaw: We can joke about it? Good. 'Cause that's gonna make this night way easier.
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Brenda Sparks: I-I'll handle this. To friends.
Meemaw: [laughs] And to Brenda's crap husband who made this night possible.
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: It's okay, she said we could joke about it.
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Brenda Sparks: Now, I think he cared more about those stupid chickens than he did me.
Meemaw: Oh, that's not true.
Brenda Sparks: He took them when he left.
Meemaw: Okay, that's a tough one. Give me a sec.
Quote from the episode A Virus, Heartbreak and a World of Possibilities
Meemaw: You ready to start dating again?
Brenda Sparks: I think I need some time.
Meemaw: Well, if you change your mind, there's a gentleman over here at the bar who would like us to see his butt crack. [laughs]
Quote from the episode A Black Hole
Meemaw: You seem to be interested in this alternative universe thing. Maybe that's something you could work on.
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe there's another universe where I'm already doing that.
Meemaw: Sure, but maybe you could do it in both. [chuckles]
Dr. John Sturgis: What are you getting at?
Meemaw: Just that instead of wasting your time bagging groceries, you could be working on something worthwhile.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing wrong with me trying something new.
Meemaw: But you've got a PhD. You're the smartest person here.
Sheldon: Well...
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I'm happy doing what I'm doing right now.
Meemaw: I don't believe that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. You know more about how I should live my life than I do?
Meemaw: Yeah, maybe.
Dr. John Sturgis: May I speak with you outside?
Quote from the episode The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics
George Sr.: What's going on?
Meemaw: Mary's working late, Sheldon's in the garage, and Missy's in her room hating the world.
George Sr.: What's wrong with Missy?
Meemaw: My guess is a boy. And I hope you like this song, because it's in heavy rotation.
George Sr.: I'll go talk to her.
Meemaw: That's not a good idea.
George Sr.: Mm, Missy and I kind of have a father-daughter thing.
Meemaw: Maybe you and cute, little Missy. This is pre-teen, angry Missy. You haven't met her yet.
George Sr.: I got this.
Meemaw: Hmm. [chuckles softly] Dumb and confident... my favorite combination.
Quote from the episode The Wild and Woolly World of Nonlinear Dynamics
Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: No, everything is terrible.
Meemaw: Oh. That sounds like a job for cookies.
Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism
Nick: Hey, Connie. Usual?
Meemaw: Yeah. [chuckles] I spend a lot of money here, right?
Nick: [chuckles] You sure do.
Meemaw: So if my son-in-law was in here doing something stupid, I should know, right?
Nick: I guess.
Meemaw: Before he went to the hospital, was he in here doing something stupid?
Nick: Just hanging out. Why?
Meemaw: No reason. Just watching too many soap operas, I guess. [both chuckle] Let's just keep this between us, okay?
Nick: Sure thing.
Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism
George Sr.: Why the hell are you asking questions about me at the bar?
Meemaw: I don't know what you're talking about.
George Sr.: Nick told me everything.
Meemaw: Well, clearly, I was lying.
Quote from the episode Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism
George Sr.: You want to accuse me of something, say it to my face.
Meemaw: All right, fine. You have a fight with your wife, you end up in a bar with Brenda Sparks, and now you're both acting weird about it.
George Sr.: There's no story. We're two people who went to the same bar. That's it.
Meemaw: That better be it.
George Sr.: Connie, I get it. You're protecting your daughter, but hear me when I say nothing happened.
Meemaw: Okay.
George Sr.: And I don't appreciate you snooping around behind my back.
Meemaw: You're absolutely right. I was wrong to do that. I'm very sorry. Little ticked at Nick for blabbing about it, but... I'm-I'm sorry.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Meemaw: We good?
George Sr.: We're good. [walks off]
Meemaw: "We're good" my ass.
Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench
Mary: Is Dale here?
Meemaw: Yeah, what's up?
Mary: I would like to have a word with him.
Meemaw: Better him than me. Have at it. [Mary enters] Dale, Mary coming in hot!
Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench
George Jr.: What are you doin' here?
George Sr.: What are you doin' here?
George Jr.: I was hopin' to stay here tonight.
George Sr.: Well, you can't.
George Jr.: This ain't your house.
George Sr.: It ain't yours, either.
Meemaw: It's my house, and I get to say who stays and who goes.
Dale: Okay, well, I'll be going.
Meemaw: Oh, you're staying. [to George] You can go.
Dale: Lucky.
Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
Meemaw: Guess what, I'm buying a Laundromat.
Dale: Uh, I don't know how to react. Is that good news?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah.
Dale: Laundromat. Cool.
Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
Meemaw: Chet's gonna swing by and finalize the deal.
Dale: Wait, he's coming over here?
Meemaw: Yeah. Why?
Dale: Well, this is a very shady transaction. I mean, it should be taking place under a bridge or in a parking lot somewhere.
Meemaw: I'm handing him a cashier's check. He's giving me the keys.
Dale: He's gonna know where you live.
Meemaw: I'm in the phone book. I'm not hard to find.
Dale: Well, what if he grabs the check and just skedaddles out of here?
Meemaw: He's our age. He isn't skedaddling anywhere.
Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room
Meemaw: First thing I'm gonna do is get better chairs. If people are comfy, they'll stay longer and spend more.
Dale: Well, what if it's someone's lucky chair?
Meemaw: They're gambling in the back of a Laundromat. Does that sound lucky to you?
- View another character
- Sheldon
- Mary
- George Sr.
- George Jr.
- Missy
- Meemaw
- Pastor Jeff
- Adult Sheldon