Mandy: Why are you here?
Meemaw: Uh, I- I had a medical thing. It- It's been handled. Here, let me help you to your room.
Mandy: What kind of thing?
Meemaw: [stammers] Just a thing. It's been tended to. How- How far apart are your contractions?
Mandy: Connie, what's going on?
Meemaw: It's hemorrhoids, okay? It's embarrassing, but here we are. Hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids! Happy?
Mandy: Well, I'm about four centimeters dilated, and the doctors think it could be another few hours.
Meemaw: Well... Good. Walk slow.

Mary: Mom, can you make the salad?
Meemaw: Sure.
George: Hey, don't put in any of those little tomatoes.
Meemaw: Hey, I don't tell you how to impersonate a lump of clay. You don't tell me how to make a salad.

Meemaw: I know this is hard for everyone. It's certainly hard for me. But no one... is more upset with George's passing than the Lone Star Beer company. That flag is at half-mast. [laughter] On the other hand, there's a lot of cows out there that are breathing a sigh of relief. As the king of brisket has put down his fork and ridden off into the sunset. [laughter] And, uh, I'll tell you something...
Missy: Why are they laughing at Dad?
Georgie: 'Cause they love him.
Meemaw: ...that I always kind of kept to myself, but... I wasn't always a big supporter of George and Mary being an item. As a matter of fact, whenever he came to visit, I would always invite Mary's slutty friend Janice over, hoping to catch his interest. [laughter] Hey, Janice. Thanks for coming. You're a doll. [Dale looks back] Anyway... George only had eyes for Mary. And of course brisket. [laughter] And over the years, he surely earned my respect. He was a good man. [voice breaking] And I will always be proud... to call him my son.

Sheldon: Meemaw? I assume you've read the Surgeon General's report on the dangers of smoking?
Meemaw: I'm gonna wait till they turn it into a movie.

Sheldon: You've been through this before. How long does it take?
Brenda Sparks: Depends. With Billy, it was days.
Sheldon: Well, he always has been a tad slow.

Billy Sparks: Do you think my mom and your dad are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend?
Missy: No.
Billy Sparks: If they got married, would that make us brother and sister?
Missy: It's not gonna happen.
Billy Sparks: Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia were brother and sister, and they still kissed. [Missy scoffs] I didn't write it. [Missy scoffs again]

Sheldon: All right, let's do this.
Mandy: Why are you wearing dish gloves?
Sheldon: To deliver the baby.
Mandy: That is not happening.
Sheldon: Good. Whew. Can I get a glass of water?
Mandy: Sheldon, I need to go to the hospital.
Sheldon: Well, I can't drive. I do have a bike, but you'll never fit in the wagon.