Dr. John Sturgis: So, um, how do you two know each other?
Meemaw: Well, June here, actually, is Dale's ex-wife.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I am Connie's ex-boyfriend. Is that fun or weird?
Meemaw: Yeah.

Dale: I don't know, it's not a bad idea to maybe venture out of Medford once in a while.
Meemaw: Even better, why don't we go away for the weekend?
Dale: Uh, come on... You know how hard it is for me to get out of the store.
Meemaw: What's the point of being the boss if you can't get somebody else to do your work for you?
Dale: Uh, I might be able to leave Georgie in charge.
Meemaw: My grandson?
Dale: That'd be the one.
Meemaw: I want to go, so I'm just gonna say "good idea." [chuckles]

Dale: [sighs] All right, let me start by saying that I owe you an apology.
Meemaw: You can finish with an apology, too.
Dale: I'm sorry we had a fight. I'm... I'm really sorry I lost my temper, and I'm very sorry that I took it out on Georgie.
Meemaw: That wasn't great.
Dale: But I want you to know that I'm trying to change.
Meemaw: 'Cause that's what people do... they change.
Dale: I mean it. You know, I'm tired of being a cranky old bastard.
Meemaw: It's tiring for everybody else, too.
Dale: Would you please?
Meemaw: Sorry. Go ahead.

Meemaw: I want to tell you how much I appreciate you giving Georgie his job back.
Dale: Well, I didn't do it just for you. It was the right thing to do. I even forgave him for egging the store.
Meemaw: [gasps] He egged your store? That rascal!
Dale: I know you did it, too.
Meemaw: Okay, I did.

Meemaw: Another way to cast on in knitting is called the slingshot.
Sheldon: Did you know the Wham-O company was named after its first product, the Wham-O Slingshot?
Meemaw: I'm the one saying the facts right now. Unless you're tired of hearing them?
Sheldon: Sick of learning? Never.
Meemaw: Well, that's too bad.

Georgie: Can I use your bathroom?
Meemaw: Your dad wants to talk to you. [hands Georgie her phone]
Georgie: Hello.
George: You can't use her bathroom either.
Georgie: Dang it.
Meemaw: There's a bucket in the garage. [laughs]

Mary: I thought you and Dale might have plans.
Meemaw: We might hang out, but... it's fine.
Mary: Something going on?
Meemaw: Mm-mm.
Mary: Sounds like something.
Meemaw: Well... he's trying to be a better person, and... it's weird.
Mary: Weird how?
Meemaw: Just doesn't seem natural.
Mary: I don't follow.
Meemaw: Like when you see a dancing bear at the circus, and you know it just wants to rip some clown's head off.
Mary: That's graphic.

Meemaw: Where are y'all going?
Mary: George has a coaches conference in San Antonio.
Meemaw: Oh, and you weaseled your way in? Good for you.
Mary: I didn't weasel.
Meemaw: So it was his idea?
Mary: Not exactly.
Meemaw: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a weasel. [laughs] Congratulations.

Sheldon: You enter a dark and musty crypt. Torches along the walls fill the room with a flickering light. In the center of the room is a mysterious glowing chest. What do you do?
Missy: I open the chest.
Meemaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[fantasy:]
Meemaw: It's a chest in the middle of a crypt. That's a little suspicious, don't you think?
Missy: I don't know. I'm not even sure what a crypt is.
Meemaw: Aah! It could be booby-trapped.
Sheldon: [v.o.] Thieves have the ability to check for traps.
Meemaw: Good for me, I can do that.
Dale: Hold it. This chest does not belong to us.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: I'm a paladin. It's not a very... paladin-y thing to do.
Meemaw: You didn't want to steal the key, you didn't want to fight the goblins. You wouldn't even kill the spider. You put it in a cup and took it outside.
[reality:]
Dale: Well, that wasn't in the game.
Meemaw: I know. It was in real life, which is worse.

Meemaw: Okay, fine. That still doesn't change the fact that I'm not interested in getting married again.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Missy: I'd like to know.
Sheldon: And I'd like to play D&D.
Meemaw: We've been through this. I like my life just the way it is, and if you can't work with that, then, well...
Dale: Well what?
Meemaw: Tough knuckles.
Missy: Whoa.

Meemaw: You still dating that Marcus boy?
Missy: Sort of. He went away with his family for the summer.
Meemaw: Just out of curiosity, before he left, did he let you know?
Missy: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Hmm, interesting. And how long before he left did he tell you?
Missy: I don't know, a week.
Meemaw: Hmm, must be nice. You hear from him at all?
Missy: Yeah, he sent me the cutest postcard. It was a turtle surfing on a dolphin.
Meemaw: Adorable.
Missy: Pulling kind of hard.

Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. What's going on here?
Sheldon: That's an excellent question. Too bad there's no answer.
Meemaw: Well, you need to get out of bed.
Sheldon: I don't need to do anything.
Meemaw: Okay, I'm gonna count to three.
Sheldon: Dad already counted to three.
Meemaw: Oh. Did he try the Texas thing?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: In that case, look at you, lyin' there. When a Texan gets knocked off a horse, he gets right back on. That is the second most important thing about bein' a Texan, right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: Maybe the horse gets back on the Texan. Who's to say?
Meemaw: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's because you can't know anything. If you need to stare at the ceiling and contemplate the futility of existence, Missy's bed is available.

Meemaw: What's your first class?
Sheldon: Solid-State Physics at 11:30.
Meemaw: We'll make it just in time.
Sheldon: Although, does...
Meemaw: And before you say, "Does time even exist?", it does. So stop wasting mine.

Meemaw: Hi. I'm Connie Tucker. I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother.
Professor Ericson: Oh. Nice to meet you. He is a remarkable young man.
Meemaw: Yes, he is. He's also a very impressionable young man. Kind of like a lump of clay with a bow tie.
Professor Ericson: All I did was teach him about epistemology.
Meemaw: Whatever it is you're teaching him, it has made him question everything.
Professor Ericson: That's the goal.
Meemaw: Lady, I had to threaten him with a chicken so he'd put his pants on.

Meemaw: And who would be, uh, starring in this video?
Georgie: Me.
Meemaw: [laughs] That's ridiculous. [chuckles]
Georgie: And Richard Simmons ain't ridiculous?
Mr. Lundy: Well, now, the young man does have a point.
Meemaw: Yeah, maybe on his head. Look, you're not getting my money.