Meemaw: Dots and dashes, maybe it's Morse code.
George: [rushing in] Where is he?
Mary: We think this is Morse code. What does it say?
George: Gee, I don't know.
Meemaw: What do you mean you don't know? You were in the Army.
George: Yeah, so? Can't do a push-up, either.
Meemaw: Well, that's a separate problem.

Mary: [to Sheldon] I know you don't want to hear this, but I find prayer can bring incredible peace of mind.
Meemaw: Come on, Mary, I'm trying to help the kid.

Meemaw: Garden's looking nice.
Mary: Well, not to commit the sin of pride, but I know.
Meemaw: How did you come out of me?

Meemaw: [answering phone] Hello.
Dr. John Sturgis: I may have made a questionable, uh, decision regarding our friendship.
Meemaw: What have you done, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: I went to the sporting goods store to check out your new fella.
Meemaw: Did you speak to him?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. In fact, he sold me an athletic supporter to protect my genitals.
Meemaw: Good. You may want to be wearing that next time I see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.

Dale: Now, don't fill up on those. We still got two giant cookies to finish.
Meemaw: I'm sorry about all that stuff with John. I- He means well, but sometimes he can just be, uh a little quirky.
Dale: Yeah, I kind of figured that; yeah, I watched him play ping-pong with his own crotch.
Meemaw: I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he did it.

George: Done. I made 'em sit on the floor.
Meemaw: Smart. Nobody ever got pregnant on the floor. Have you had the talk with that boy?
George: Of course.
Meemaw: Really? What'd you say?
George: You know, the stuff you know, a father says when he has a talk with his son.
Meemaw: Good Lord. Did you tell him about protection?
George: Oh, come on, Connie.
Meemaw: Well, it's important. What if he knocks that poor girl up and ruins her life?
George: Is that a swipe at me?
Meemaw: Well, it depends. Did you knock up my daughter and ruin her life? Wait. I know the answer.

George: Georgie, we need to talk.
Georgie: What now?
George: You're of an age where your body has urges.
Georgie: Oh, my God!
Meemaw: Georgie, you need to hear this.
Georgie: From both of you?
George: W-Well, who do you want to hear it from?
Georgie: No one. But if I got to pick, I guess you.
Meemaw: Good choice. Don't forget to tell him about venereal disease.

Mary: No tongue. Oh, there it is.
Missy: Where are they going in such a hurry?
Sheldon: Probably to unwrap their presents.
Meemaw: Something's getting unwrapped.
Sheldon: Told you.

Meemaw: You swim here?
Georgie: Dad kicked me out of his truck. I had to walk back.
Meemaw: [chuckles] What dumb thing did you say or do?
Georgie: How do you know I'm the one who did something dumb?
Meemaw: 'Cause you kind of shine at it.
Georgie: All I did is offer to pay to fix his AC.
Meemaw: And there it is. Dumb.

Georgie: What's wrong with that?
Meemaw: Your dad is a grown man. He doesn't want his kid giving him money.
Georgie: So he's glad I'm making money, but I'm not allowed to use that money to help him out? I don't get it.
Meemaw: Well, someday, when you have a bunch of sweaty, mullet-headed kids running around, you will.
Georgie: Oh, I ain't never having kids.
Meemaw: Well, that's the smartest thing I ever heard you say.
Georgie: Thank you.

Meemaw: [on the phone] Do not be a jerk to John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, why would I be a jerk?
Meemaw: You're gonna be camping. You're gonna be in the woods. You're gonna be drinking. You're a jerk without any of that.

Umpire: Strike three. You're out.
Meemaw: Hey, ump, you're blind.
George: She swung and missed.
Meemaw: Fine. Hey ump, you're bald. Better?

George: Y-You're just going through a little slump. Happens to everyone.
Missy: Well, how do I get out of it?
Meemaw: When I've been at the craps table-
Mary: George, you give advice.
Meemaw: Oh, smart. Man's been in a slump his whole life.

June: I like your blouse.
Meemaw: Oh, you do? Truth be told, I changed my outfit three times.
June: For little old me?
Meemaw: Well, I've never gotten drinks with a boyfriend's ex-wife. Do you try to look hot or do you try to look like you're not trying?
June: Well, clearly, you went for hot.
Meemaw: I wasn't even trying.

Meemaw: Well, we've covered football and grandkids...
June: Our favorite Golden Girl. Did not peg you for a Dorothy.
Meemaw: What have we left out?
June: Hmm. I don't know. Maybe we've run out of stuff to talk about.
Meemaw: Oh, wait. We forgot about your ex-husband.