Meemaw: This necklace has been in our family for generations. It belonged to a Comanche warrior who gave it to your great-great-great-great grandma.
Sheldon: Why'd he give it to her?
Meemaw: Well, according to family lore, she was, uh, a very accommodating young lady and, uh, they hit it off.
Sheldon: That's a bird feather.
Meemaw: Eagle feather.
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. I don't like birds, birds are filthy.
Meemaw: Okay. Fine. One featherless family heirloom for you to take with you and keep you safe while you're away.
Sheldon: You don't actually believe this has magic powers, do you?
Meemaw: Oh, for God's sake, just say "thank you."
Sheldon: Thank you. There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: No, there's not.

Mary: I'm telling you, this is a terrible idea. This is a terrible, terrible idea.
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine. You'll see.
Mary: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Meemaw: I'm not okay with this. I'm just trying to be strong for you!
Mary: What? You thought him leaving was a good idea.
Meemaw: Oh, I only said that because you thought it was a bad idea. You know how it's always my nature to go the other way. Say "up."
Mary: Up.
Meemaw: Down.

Meemaw: You see, God and I have a deal. And when he helps me win big at the casino, I give him a cut. And lately, he has not been holding up his part of the bargain.

Meemaw: So what's goin' on?
Missy: I think I have a boyfriend.
Meemaw: Wow.
Missy: But you cannot tell Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, of course... I love not telling your mother stuff.

June: I got to admit, I'm a little jealous.
Meemaw: Of what?
June: You.
Meemaw: Why?
June: You have the Dale I never got. I spent a lot of time polishing that turd, and you get all the benefits.
Meemaw: Hey, I put my time in on that, too.
June: Not as much as me.
Meemaw: When I met him, he was a mess.
June: [laughs] You should've seen where I started.
Meemaw: Well, I think we can both agree, he is one lucky turd.
June: Amen, sister.

Mary: Shelly, you haven't touched your dinner. You feel okay?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. I was just thinking.
Mary: About what, baby?
Sheldon: The optimal height-to-width ratio for a reusable rocket.
Meemaw: I was just thinking the exact same thing.
Sheldon: Really?
Meemaw: Oh, Moonpie, I love you so much.

Meemaw: All right, I finally got him calmed down.
Mary: How'd you manage that?
Meemaw: Easy. Gave him a hug and a little cough syrup.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: It's not like he's operating heavy machinery.

Meemaw: It's just a tantrum. It's what kids do.
Mary: You used to punish me all the time.
Meemaw: That was different. You were a pain in the ass.

Meemaw: Well, I don't understand how you could turn this down. This place looks fantastic.
Mary: It's 200 miles away, Mom.
Meemaw: I know where Dallas is. I used to buy my marijuana there.
George: Really?
Meemaw: I said "used to". Then I got pregnant with this one and all the fun stopped.

Mary: So nice of you to come over, Pastor Jeff.
George: He prefers Jeff.
Meemaw: I'm sticking with Pastor. Wait, I changed my mind. I'm going with PJ.
Pastor Jeff: Brings to mind pajamas, but that's fine, too.

George: Okay. Let's just take a deep breath and talk about something else.
Mary: Fine.
Georgie: I want to hear about that frog.
Meemaw: A different something else.

Meemaw: I think they found his kryptonite.

Mary: A little late for me to start cooking. Why don't we stop somewhere for dinner.
George: Really? The five of us? That's kind of pricey.
Meemaw: Would you rather buy a fishing boat?
George: You're a blabbermouth, you know that?

Mary: Way to go, Mom. Way to lead a Christian life.
Meemaw: Oh, does my daughter think poorly of me?
Mary: Yes.
Meemaw: Good. I can die happy.

Meemaw: It's like dating the Encyclopedia Britannica.