Dr. Linkletter: Connie, tell me, did you grow up in Texas?
Meemaw: Took my first bath in a ten-gallon hat.

Meemaw: So do you have reason to think that you might be?
Mary: Well, we try to be safe, but you know, heat of the moment.
Meemaw: Still? After three kids and that beer belly hanging over his pants?
Mary: Mom?

Meemaw: Uh, I need a pregnancy test.
Nelson: Sure. We have a few options.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hey, Brenda. [to Nelson] Oh, you-you pick.
Brenda Sparks: Is that a pregnancy test?
Meemaw: Uh, yeah. [quietly:] It's for me.
Brenda Sparks: Really?
Meemaw: Yes. I come from a long line of really fertile women. My mother had me when she was 57. Can you believe it?
Brenda Sparks: I don't think I can.

Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis and I have been dating for some time and we really try to be careful, but you know how it is. Heat of the moment.

Adult Sheldon: While my meemaw wasn't able to acquire a jungle cat, the idea of tormenting a child did tickle her Texan fancy.
Meemaw: [singsong] Sheldon. [chicken clucking] I have someone else who wants to talk to you.
Sheldon: What are you doing with that filthy thing?
Meemaw: Why do you care? If nothing is real, then neither is the chicken. [Sheldon jumps out of bed] Oh. Good. We're standing now. That's progress.
Sheldon: Get her out of here.
Meemaw: Well, I would, but... [chuckles] apparently, I can't know what "here" is. So maybe I could just... set her on your bed.
Sheldon: Okay! Okay. I'll get dressed.
Meemaw: Make it snappy.
Sheldon: This still doesn't solve my existential crisis.
Meemaw: Say what? You want to hold her?
Sheldon: [gasps] No.
Meemaw: Less talk. More pants.

Meemaw: What a haul, huh?!
Georgie: Amazing. Now what happens?
Meemaw: I take it home, pour it on the bed, and just roll around in it.
Georgie: What about me?
Meemaw: You just go home.
Georgie: No. We're partners.
Meemaw: First of all, we're not partners, and second... Actually, "not partners" covers it all pretty well.

Pastor Jeff: I'm just here to give you a heads-up. People are upset and I'd hate to see your business suffer.
Meemaw: Are you threatening me?
Pastor Jeff: No, uh, I'm sorry. Uh, let me just take off my pastor hat, put on my neighbor cap, and start again.
Meemaw: I'm gonna put on my hat, too. It's got a big foam finger on top of it. Guess which one.
Pastor Jeff: The naughty one?
Meemaw: Bingo. [closes door]

Officer Rhonda Thomason: So the terms of your probation require you to do 180 hours of community service. And you're currently sitting at... zero.
Meemaw: Not true. I've been reading to the elderly.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Oh. Where at?
Meemaw: Chi-Chi's. My boyfriend forgot his glasses, so I read him the menu. [laughs]
Officer Rhonda Thomason: This is a joke to you.
Meemaw: Well, I was hoping.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You think putting on this act is gonna get you a lighter sentence?
Meemaw: Act? What act?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Look at my nose.
Meemaw: Okay...
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You know what this nose can do? It can smell bull-pucky from two counties over. And you know what it's smelling right now? A big, steamy pile.

Sheldon: What? But you weren't happy.
Meemaw: I made you think I was unhappy.
Sheldon: But that's lying. You lied to your moon pie.
Meemaw: I bluffed my moon pie.

Meemaw: I'm gonna look at my cards again.
Sheldon: You're unhappy.
Meemaw: Which means?
Sheldon: You don't have good cards.
Meemaw: Mm-hmm. So I'm gonna see your nickel and raise you a quarter.
Sheldon: Quarter?
Meemaw: You can fold.
Sheldon: No. I have good cards, you have bad cards. I'm in. [revealing his cards] Nines and fives.
Meemaw: Mm. That's too bad. Three queens. You lose!

Meemaw: Y'all two go get ready for bed.
Georgie: I don't want to stay around here. I want to go to the hospital and see Dad.
Meemaw: Well, I want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson, but that ain't gonna happen either.

Georgie: This is stupid.
Meemaw: You know what's stupid? I got to drink pink wine!

Meemaw: Hold up. Now, y'all like it when your meemaw babysits. Poker, candy, firecrackers.
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, if your mother ever finds out what you did tonight, that is never gonna happen again.
Sheldon: I can't lie to my mother.
Meemaw: Sure you can. Believe in yourself!

Meemaw: Well, here's something nice. You know that Mr. Rosenbloom with the furniture store over by the steakhouse?
Mary: I don't think so.
Meemaw: Oh, sure you do. That Hebrew fella with the comb-over?
Mary: You mean Jewish?
Meemaw: I think they like to be called Hebrew. Anyway, he's asked me to dinner.

Meemaw: I think your anger might be a little misdirected.
Mary: Don't you start with me either.
Meemaw: Now, see, you're still shootin' wide.