George Sr.: Who you talking to?
Sheldon: A reporter from Time magazine.
George Sr.: No! He didn't mean it. God bless America.

Tam: Well, thank you.
George Jr.: Hold on now. I ain't just givin' it away.
Tam: How much?
George Jr.: Five bucks.
Tam: It's worth it. If I get another B, my mom will kill me.
George Jr.: Hey, I don't just sell tests. I bring families together.

George Sr.: Well, it's not lobster, but... least your friends won't see us.
Missy: Sorry.
George Sr.: It's okay. You're just getting older.
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: Sure I was a jackass to my parents, too.
Missy: Hey!
George Sr.: How's your burger?
Missy: So good.
George Sr.: It is pretty good. Hey, maybe this can be our new spot for daddy-daughter dates.
Missy: Please stop saying that.
George Sr.: What? Daddy-daughter dates?
Missy: Yes.
George Sr.: Mm. Okay. What would you like me to call our daddy-daughter dates?
Missy: [chuckles] You're so annoying. [George chuckles]

Sheldon: It's nice that you're going to socialize with Meemaw's new boyfriend.
George Sr.: I know. She's gonna hate it.

George Sr.: I'm proud of him for trying to overcome that damn dog phobia.
Mary: You should tell him that.
George Sr.: Well, if he ever leaves that bathroom, I will.

Assistant Coach Wilkins: You worried your kid just invited the whole school to your house?
George Sr.: At 5:00 in the morning for a Swedish science thing? [CHUCKLES] Not at all.

George Sr.: So, uh, who do you think the Oilers are gonna take in the draft?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, I don't really follow sports.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna eat.

George Sr.: And I know your mom would want me to tell you to wait till marriage, but I also know you're probably not going to.
George Jr.: Did you?
George Sr.: The important thing is that when you're with a girl... [Georgie scoffs] You know how when we're running practice drills and we wear protection so both people are safe?
George Jr.: Yeah.
George Sr.: Well, there you go.
George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Same thing, but with your privates.
George Jr.: Please leave.
George Sr.: Thank you.

George Sr.: Here we are.
Missy: Red Lobster?
George Sr.: You love this place.
[flashback:]
Missy: Holy moly.
George Sr.: It's good, huh?
Missy: Unbelievable.
[present:]
Missy: Yeah, when I was, like, eight.
George Sr.: Well, come on, we had our first daddy-daughter date here.
Missy: Oh, my God, don't ever call it that again.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: I have friends who come here on actual dates. They might see us.
George Sr.: Thought it'd be nice.
Missy: Can we please go anywhere else?
George Sr.: [sighs] Fine. You know, they have those cheddar biscuits.
Missy: Dad.
George Sr.: Fine.

Professor Boucher: So, let me guess. You think I'm being too hard on him and you want me to lighten up?
George Sr.: He is having a tough time.
Professor Boucher: It's a tough class.
George Sr.: Look, I get it. I was in the Army, too, I-I'm all for being strict, but... he doesn't even know where he's going wrong. You know, maybe you could just point him in the right direction?
Professor Boucher: You mean, give him the answer?
George Sr.: No, no. Would you?
Professor Boucher: What do you think?
George Sr.: No.
Professor Boucher: See? I didn't give you the answer and you figured it out.

George Sr.: What do you mean you quit?
Sheldon: It was beneath me.
George Sr.: You need to learn there's nothing wrong with a little hard work.
Sheldon: Hard work is calculating neutrino properties to one percent accuracy. Anyone can wash bolts.
George Sr.: You begged him for that job.
Sheldon: I assumed he'd realize the value of my intellect and put it to good use.
George Sr.: Hang on. You made a commitment. When you say you're gonna do something, you do it.
Sheldon: Well, he could find someone else.
George Sr.: Doesn't matter. This is about you being a man of your word.
Adult Sheldon: I wanted to point out that I couldn't be a man of my word, since I hadn't hit puberty, but he seemed pretty grouchy.

Mary: Hey, I was thinking after dinner, maybe you and I could go out for a walk.
George Sr.: Why?
Mary: Pastor Jeff and Brenda have been doing it, might be nice.
George Sr.: So go with them.
Missy: They didn't invite her. She was all upset about it.
George Sr.: [clears throat] Well, you get left out and I get punished?
Mary: A walk with your wife is punishment?
George Sr.: [to Missy] You're up, say somethin' fun.

Mary: Apparently she's taking the divorce really hard. I guess she's been having trouble in school.
Meemaw: Aw, poor thing.
Mary: Linda thinks Sheldon might be a good influence, you know, maybe rub off on her a little bit.
George Sr.: What, she wants her kid to be more like Sheldon? I don't know what to say about that.

George Jr.: Now, it needs a little bit of work, but once I'm done, it's gonna be amazing.
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: What do you mean? It's got low mileage, great stereo. Check this out. [opens side door] Look at all the room.
George Sr.: Hell no.
George Jr.: Why?
George Sr.: This isn't a car. It's a motel room on wheels.
George Jr.: Is that how little you think of me?
George Sr.: [scoffs] Yes. Maybe less.

George Jr.: You know if we had cable, we'd have, like, 60 channels?
George Sr.: We have plenty of channels.
George Jr.: We have seven.
George Sr.: Hey! There are starving kids in Africa with no channels.
George Jr.: Come on, it don't cost much.
George Sr.: I'm not paying for television. Television is free. Always was, always will be.

Trang Nguyen: Hello.
George Sr.: Hi. You must be Mrs ... Tam's mom. I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
Trang Nguyen: Nice to meet you.
George Sr.: Thanks for letting him spend the night. It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm quite apprehens-
George Sr.: He's really looking forward to it.

George Sr.: It's all your mother's fault. She is a bad person. I've been telling you for years.

George Sr.: No. See, Mary, that's the best part There's no pokin' and proddin'.

Mary: [low humming] Sounds like the ocean.
George Sr.: Oh, it is very relaxing.
George Jr.: Kind of makes the rest of the kitchen look trashy.
Sheldon: Ooh, it has a temperature boost sensor.
Mary: What's that?
Sheldon: It makes sure the water is heated to the correct temperature for ideal cleaning and drying results.
All: Ooh.
Missy: [scoffs and walks off]
Mary: Where are you going? You're gonna miss the rinse cycle.
Missy: I'm not missing anything. [exits]
George Sr.: [dishwasher beeps] Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."

George Jr.: Honestly, I do not understand the female mind.
Mary: Do something.
George Sr.: Georgie, why don't you go eat dinner in front of the TV?
Pastor Jeff: No, it's all right. Sounds like Georgie's having trouble navigating the perilous waters of a relationship. Believe me, I can understand.
George Jr.: You having problems with your hot wife?
George Sr.: Maybe I'll go eat by the TV.