Dr. John Sturgis Quotes

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Dr. John Sturgis: A nickel. That's a silly bet.
Meemaw: It's 50 bucks.
Dr. John Sturgis: A thousand nickels. Less silly.

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Dr. John Sturgis: I must say, uh this is a side of you I've never seen before.
Meemaw: You're all right with it, aren't you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, sure. When are you gonna give that man your $50?
Meemaw: Don't worry about it. Hit me.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little worried.

Quote from the episode A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast

Mary: And what's this? Some kind of antenna?
Sheldon: Yes. It needs to go up on the roof.
Mary: You're not going on the roof.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course he's not. I am.
Meemaw: You're not going, either.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me, I have six years of tai chi under my belt. I have the balance of a jungle cat.
Meemaw: You doing some kind of slow-motion hula dance in the park is not gonna change my mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do much more than just this.

Quote from the episode A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast

Dr. John Sturgis: [singing] Inch by inch, Row by row, Gonna make this garden grow, Gonna mulch it deep and-

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

[fantasy:]
Missy: And I just want to say I'm sorry for any time I was bad and any time I was mean to Sheldon.
Mary: It's okay.
Missy: It's just so funny when he's upset. But I'm still sorry about it.
George Jr.: I'm sorry, too. Dad, I've been awful, especially to you.
George Sr.: No, you haven't.
George Jr.: I have.
George Sr.: Well, we're good. [they hug]
Mary: Okay, we are done talking. I love you all, but it is really time to pray.
All: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

[fantasy:]
Missy: Daddy, I'm scared.
George Sr.: It's okay, baby.
Mary: We need to pray right now.
George Jr.: You do that. I'm having a beer.
Mary: Oh, everybody hold hands. Heavenly Father, watch over us...
Sheldon: I don't want to spend my last moments on Earth praying.
Meemaw: Yeah, if we only got a few minutes left, I want to spend it talking to y'all. You are all the light of my life. And I love you so much. [crashing outside]
Missy: Daddy. [hugs George]
George Sr.: Oh, I got you. I'm not letting go. I never said it enough, but I love y'all. Kids, you have made me a very proud father.
Sheldon: I'm not ready. There are so many things I want to do.
George Jr.: Well, you better pick one right now.
Sheldon: [panting] O-Okay, um... [hugs Mary]

Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, thank you for listening.
George Sr.: My pleasure.
Dr. John Sturgis: And if you want to talk about your relationship with Mary, I'm all ears. Intimacy issues, communication difficulties, problems in the bedroom...
George Sr.: Hey! Pool table's open.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah! Wonderful.

Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

George Sr.: Have you played much pool?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, in my undergraduate days, all the time. It's just physics and geometry.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: I calculate the angles in my head. Sometimes in radians, sometimes in degrees, depending on my level of whimsy.
George Sr.: I'm a radians man myself.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a joke?
George Sr.: Supposed to be.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Oh, life is funny. A week ago, I was in a mental institution, and now I'm laughing it up in a dive bar.
George Sr.: Not just any dive bar. One where everyone knows me.
Dr. John Sturgis: And they are lucky that they do.

Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's

Dr. John Sturgis: Na zdrowie! That's, uh, "to our health" in Russian.
George Sr.: This is not the place to talk Russian.

Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's

Dr. John Sturgis: They thought it would be easier on the family if you were employed at the university.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, that way, you could drive Sheldon and keep an eye on him while he's there.
George Sr.: But I'm a football coach. Does the school even have a team?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes, they do. They- They don't win much, but they lead the league in injuries.

Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hello, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's nice to see you.
Meemaw: It's nice to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed you stopped bringing Sheldon to class 'cause you were worried it would be awkward running into me after our breakup.
Sheldon: I asked her the same question, but she assured me that wasn't the case.
Dr. John Sturgis: What a relief!

Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Well, bar it is. How's, uh, 2:00?
George Sr.: Uh, today's not great for me. Uh, maybe some other time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I understand. Uh, I won't bother you again.
George Sr.: Well, it's not like that, y-you know, I'm just kind of busy right now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, you made that perfectly clear. Goodbye. [hangs up]

Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been feeling the loss very profoundly and it's making me wonder if she also is feeling lonely and I made a bad decision for both of us.
George Sr.: I hate to be the one to tell you this, John, but, uh she's kind of been seeing someone new and, uh she seems to be doing okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I see. [stammers] Is she happy?
George Sr.: Hard to tell. Her face is all scrunched up and pinched most of the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope this man she's seeing treats her well.
George Sr.: He seems okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I also hope he gets lost at sea and never returns. I'm having a lot of feelings.
George Sr.: Well, when that happens to me, I have another beer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I haven't finished this one yet.
George Sr.: More for me.

Quote from the episode Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George Sr.: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Meemaw: John, this is June.
June: Hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: June. After Juno, wife of Jupiter and queen of the gods.
June: No, after the fact that my mom got knocked up in June.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ribald! Wonderful.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

June: So you went camping with Dale? How'd that go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I hesitate to speak ill of him.
June: I divorced him. Say what you want.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then, it was terrible.