Sheldon: I still don't understand why you'd rather work here than be a physicist.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm enjoying the change of pace. And they let me take home all the expired food I want.

Dr. Linkletter: Well, I'm here to convince you to come back to the university. A mind like yours needs to be working on the advancement of science.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I did that for 50 years. Now I'm content just keeping these cucumbers crunchy.
Dr. Linkletter: But exciting new things are happening in string theory. Don't you want to be a part of that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Wasting years scrambling away at the academic hamster wheel? Constantly worried that your life's work is just one big dead end?
Dr. Linkletter: Sure, some paths of research may not pan out, but we still have to try, right?
Dr. John Sturgis: Do we?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Einstein spent the last 30 years of his life on the grand unified field theory and got nowhere.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I wouldn't say nowhere, but I suppose he never did crack it.
Dr. John Sturgis: And to this day, no one has.
Dr. Linkletter: True.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, most of his major accomplishments occurred when he was a young man, which you and I most certainly are not. [chuckles]
Dr. Linkletter: Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think, "Who is that?"
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to give these cucumbers a spritz?
Dr. Linkletter: No, thank you. Do you sell liquor here?

Dr. Linkletter: So what does it all mean, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you should ask someone who isn't drinking on a park bench. [both chuckle]
Dr. Linkletter: You work your whole life. It all seems so important at the time, but is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a good question. It puts me in mind of, uh, Camus' The Myth of Siphisus... Siphaphis...
Dr. Linkletter: Sisyphus.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's the guy. Every day he rolled the rock up the mountain, and every day it rolled back down.
Dr. Linkletter: That's what it seems like. But you escaped. You stopped rolling that rock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's what I thought. But every single bag of groceries I fill, there's another one right behind it.

Dr. Linkletter: Although I suppose, based on your premise, we could calculate the stress-energy tensor for each.
Adult Sheldon: It turned out their antagonism was the key to their success.
Dr. John Sturgis: ...find an experiment to distinguish them.
Dr. Linkletter: While derivative, I'll admit your point does have some merit.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course it has merit, you... you...
Sheldon: [whispers] Big, pink Sasquatch?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Good. [normal voice] You big, pink Sasquatch!

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, there's some science to indicate that adolescents process embarrassment with a different part of their brain than adults do.
Sheldon: Really? So maybe Missy's right, and I'm an outlier.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Let's increase our sample size. Andy, would you feel embarrassed talking about sexual intercourse with your mother?
Andy: Uh...
Sheldon: Stammering, red-faced. He does seem embarrassed.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, he may just be embarrassed by the subject in general. How would you feel discussing it with a co-worker? Say- Say me, for example.
[cut to Dr. Sturgis handing his apron in to his manager]
[cut to Dr. Sturgis on his bicycle outside the store with Sheldon:]
Dr. John Sturgis: And now we know conversations like that can cost you your job.
Sheldon: You learn something new every day.

Dr. John Sturgis: You see, humans have evolved as social animals, so your feeling hurt might be a deep evolutionary desire to cooperate with others to ensure your survival.
Sheldon: So, you're saying it makes sociobiological sense to want other people to like me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, and you may even get benefits from it. It's like on that show you enjoy, Star Track.
Sheldon: Trek.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. Captain Kirk can't do it all by himself. He needs Doctor Spock.
Sheldon: Mister.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. And Mister McCoy.
Sheldon: Doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right.
Sheldon: Well, technically, they were his subordinate officers, but Kirk did always deal with them in a friendly manner, so I take your point.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: I suppose I could treat it like an experiment. Run an analysis of the benefits of having people like me.
Dr. John Sturgis: That sounds like an idea the Captain, the Doctor, or the Mister would be proud of.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, you'd think a smart fella like Spock would have a doctorate.
Sheldon: Actually, Spock rejected an offer from the Vulcan Science Academy in order to attend Starfleet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Not the choice I would have made, but I'm happy for him.

Dr. John Sturgis: [stammers] What's this formula? This wasn't here yesterday.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.
Dr. John Sturgis: Was he trying to be funny?
Sheldon: He was giggling at your "feebleminded math." His words.
Dr. John Sturgis: He's trying to approximate the cosmic background radiation by setting it at one Rydberg over Z, and my math is feebleminded? [laughs]

Dr. Linkletter: What do you think you're doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm changing the estimate to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin.
Dr. Linkletter: I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker. Is this what it looked like?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you, Dicke's estimate is the way to go.
Dr. Linkletter: And I'm telling you we need to use one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. [shakes head]
Dr. John Sturgis: He impugned my mental stability.
Sheldon: Fair enough. Your insult stands.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Beanpole.

President Hagemeyer: Really? You poached our programmer?
Dr. Linkletter: I left him alone for five minutes to use the bathroom.
Sheldon: I don't know why you're so surprised. I'm told that business is a high-stakes game where if you're not ruthless, you're toothless.
Dr. John Sturgis: We just learned that.
Dr. Linkletter: You could have hired anyone else.
Dr. John Sturgis: Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

President Hagemeyer: Look, all I'm saying is you need us as much as we need you. Now, for example, we have a mainframe computer and you don't.
Dr. Linkletter: Ha! No mainframe, no database. Who's toothless now?
Sheldon: We can get our own mainframe.
Dr. John Sturgis: We can? They're really expensive.
Sheldon: I'm trying to be ruthless. Work with me here.
Dr. John Sturgis: We can.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, we don't know if we'll fail until we try.
Sheldon: Counterpoint: if we don't try, we'll never fail.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, my little pal, do I have to sing again?
Sheldon: Little? I'm towering over you.
Dr. John Sturgis: [sings] ♪ Will you remember the famous men ♪ ♪ Who had to fall to rise again? ♪ ♪ So, pick yourself up, dust yourself... ♪

President Hagemeyer: The important thing is, that kid belongs to us. He is our cash cow. Okay. Explain this to me so I sound like I know what I'm talking about when I shake the donor tree.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, young Mr. Cooper has reimagined string theory.
Dr. John Sturgis: And compactified dimensions like nobody's business. [both chuckle]
President Hagemeyer: You don't understand this, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Not really.
Dr. John Sturgis: I mean, we get what he's trying to do.
Dr. Linkletter: Absolutely.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, we don't really understand it.
Dr. Linkletter: Not a bit.

Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, you can't stay here.
Sheldon: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: You've outgrown us.
Dr. John Sturgis: Me, literally.
Dr. Linkletter: You deserve the best education possible.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're going to do great things, Sheldon. And we're proud to have been a small part of your journey.
Sheldon: So, where should I go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Caltech.
Dr. Linkletter: MIT.

Dr. Linkletter: Okay, that won't be necessary. We may be out of the loop on this stuff, but we can catch up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Agreed! We can be up to speed in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Dr. Linkletter: Don't say that. You sound old.
Dr. John Sturgis: Lickety-split?
Dr. Linkletter: Better.
Dr. John Sturgis: Lickety-split.

Meemaw: [answers phone] Yeah?
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, this is John Sturgis.
Meemaw: Well, hello, John Sturgis. How are you?
Dr. John Sturgis: I chipped a tooth on a peach pit this morning, but otherwise, I'm okay.