Dr. John Sturgis: Connie I found an old-fashioned malt shop where we can have milkshakes and listen to the jukebox, like I never did in high school.

Mary: And what's this? Some kind of antenna?
Sheldon: Yes. It needs to go up on the roof.
Mary: You're not going on the roof.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course he's not. I am.
Meemaw: You're not going, either.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me, I have six years of tai chi under my belt. I have the balance of a jungle cat.
Meemaw: You doing some kind of slow-motion hula dance in the park is not gonna change my mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do much more than just this.

Dr. John Sturgis: [singing] Inch by inch, Row by row, Gonna make this garden grow, Gonna mulch it deep and-

Sheldon: Why wasn't I allowed to visit you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Some of the other patients there were very unwell, and I didn't want you to be disturbed by their behavior.

George Jr.: I got one.
Meemaw: Here we go.
George Jr.: Did they lock you up in a room?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wasn't able to leave the hospital without being discharged, but I was free to walk the grounds.

Missy: How did you know when you were all better?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's not like a cold, where you have it and then you don't. But I've learned skills that, uh, help me to manage my mental health.
Missy: Well, that went over my head.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, thank you for listening.
George Sr.: My pleasure.
Dr. John Sturgis: And if you want to talk about your relationship with Mary, I'm all ears. Intimacy issues, communication difficulties, problems in the bedroom...
George Sr.: Hey! Pool table's open.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah! Wonderful.

George Sr.: Have you played much pool?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, in my undergraduate days, all the time. It's just physics and geometry.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: I calculate the angles in my head. Sometimes in radians, sometimes in degrees, depending on my level of whimsy.
George Sr.: I'm a radians man myself.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a joke?
George Sr.: Supposed to be.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Oh, life is funny. A week ago, I was in a mental institution, and now I'm laughing it up in a dive bar.
George Sr.: Not just any dive bar. One where everyone knows me.
Dr. John Sturgis: And they are lucky that they do.

Dr. John Sturgis: They thought it would be easier on the family if you were employed at the university.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, that way, you could drive Sheldon and keep an eye on him while he's there.
George Sr.: But I'm a football coach. Does the school even have a team?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes, they do. They- They don't win much, but they lead the league in injuries.

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, hello, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's nice to see you.
Meemaw: It's nice to see you, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed you stopped bringing Sheldon to class 'cause you were worried it would be awkward running into me after our breakup.
Sheldon: I asked her the same question, but she assured me that wasn't the case.
Dr. John Sturgis: What a relief!

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Well, bar it is. How's, uh, 2:00?
George Sr.: Uh, today's not great for me. Uh, maybe some other time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I understand. Uh, I won't bother you again.
George Sr.: Well, it's not like that, y-you know, I'm just kind of busy right now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, you made that perfectly clear. Goodbye. [hangs up]

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been feeling the loss very profoundly and it's making me wonder if she also is feeling lonely and I made a bad decision for both of us.
George Sr.: I hate to be the one to tell you this, John, but, uh she's kind of been seeing someone new and, uh she seems to be doing okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I see. [stammers] Is she happy?
George Sr.: Hard to tell. Her face is all scrunched up and pinched most of the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope this man she's seeing treats her well.
George Sr.: He seems okay.
Dr. John Sturgis: I also hope he gets lost at sea and never returns. I'm having a lot of feelings.
George Sr.: Well, when that happens to me, I have another beer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I haven't finished this one yet.
George Sr.: More for me.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, they scored another touchdown.
George Sr.: That's just a replay, John.

Meemaw: I saw your bike outside, so I-I thought I'd just, uh, say hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's so nice of you.
Meemaw: I don't mean to interrupt or anything. I just wanted to check in.
Dr. John Sturgis: [to George] Would it be awkward if I asked her to join us?
George Sr.: Oh, couldn't be any more awkward.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to, uh, watch the game with us? It's-it's football.
Meemaw: Well, sure. [chuckles] I guess a little visit wouldn't hurt.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent.
Meemaw: Let me guess, you brought the grapes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I did.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I understand you're seeing someone new. Tell me everything.
Meemaw: No!
Dr. John Sturgis: I assumed that, uh, as friends, we could tell each other about our personal lives.
Meemaw: Trust me, John, you-you don't want to hear about these things.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, I do. Your happiness is very important to me.
Meemaw: Oh, what the hell. His name is Dale. He owns a sporting goods store. And we've only been out a few times, but so far, so good.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that sounds wonderful. Good for you.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, would you like to hear about the women I'm dating?
Meemaw: You're dating other women?
Dr. John Sturgis: Heavens, no.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George Sr.: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.