Dr. John Sturgis: What's this? "Connie Tucker is proud to announce that she is sweet on Dr. John Sturgis and they are officially a romantic couple." Oh, boy! I'm back in business!

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, here's a pineapple. It's a symbol of hospitality dating back to the 1700s.
Mary: Thank you. How tropical.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, hello!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi!
Sheldon: Ooh. Did you know the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality?
Mary: As a matter of fact, I did.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're welcome!

Sheldon: Last question. What is the only fermion that may not have an antiparticle?
Dr. John Sturgis: The neutrino, of course.
Sheldon: I'm gonna rule out concussion.
Dr. John Sturgis: To be fair, it was an easy question.
Sheldon: True.

Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, do you think we're ever going to unify gravity with the other three fundamental forces?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have a sticky note on my refrigerator which reminds me every day to do just that.

Dr. John Sturgis: Question will we be engaging in coitus tonight? Because I believe I pulled a hamstring on the bike ride over.
Meemaw: Why didn't you say something?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I was trying to display machismo, but it's becoming more and more clear that there's something askew in my groin.
Meemaw: Oh, John we don't have to do anything. We can just be together.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks. But if it's all the same to you, I'd like to give it the old college try.

Meemaw: Okay. I guess you could say one of my former boyfriends is trying to win me back with furniture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Impressive. This is real oak. Was that him on the phone?
Meemaw: Yes. I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Being challenged by another man is making you more attractive to me.
Meemaw: I don't follow.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll have to do some research, but I'm guessing this is a genetic instinct that's raising my libido.
Meemaw: I need a drink.

Dr. John Sturgis: Boy, this brings back some memories.
Sheldon: How come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, when I was your age, I was also taken to a university to be studied.
Sheldon: Because they thought you were really smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because they thought I was clinically insane.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm usually the one giving the tests, but, uh, today I'm taking one.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I usually say that to my students.

George: [on the phone] Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: George. John Sturgis here.
George: That's why I said "Hey, John."
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. I was wondering if we could go out for a beer and talk.
George: Oh. Well, aren't we talking right now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but we had so much fun last time, I thought we could do it again.
George: Gee, John, last time, you got drunk and threw up in my glove compartment.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did I? [laughs] Well, while I don't remember any of that happening, I promise to be on my best behavior. And the drinks are on me.

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering phone] Hello.
George: Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, George. Uh, you just caught me on my way out to a party with people. A people party.
George: Sure. Hey, listen, I just wanted to let you know that my schedule opened up, and if you still want to hang out, you could come over on Saturday and watch a game.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know if Saturday works for me. Uh...
George: Okay, well, you just let me know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wait! Saturday's fine. I'll be there.
George: [laughs] Okay. Have a good night.
Dr. John Sturgis: Goodbye!

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little nervous. You're the first ex-girlfriend I've ever been friends with. And you're also my first ex-girlfriend. And that's because you-
Meemaw: How about you just think of me as your friend?

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John here. I'm calling to confirm a time for beer and socializing this weekend.
George: Oh, damn. I forgot we had plans. Um, I'm actually going camping.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.
George: I'm real sorry. Uh, the invitation kind of came up last minute.
Dr. John Sturgis: You may not know this, but, um, I love camping.
George: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. I spent a year backpacking through Asia.
George: I mean, I'd invite you along, but it's not really my trip. I'm going with Connie's friend Dale.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I'll just hang out with another friend this weekend.
George: Great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to make one first.

Man #1: Hey, there's my man! [cheering]
Man #2: The doctor's in the house!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, y'all!
Meemaw: Oh, boy.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a shame.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just an armadillo, right?
Sheldon: It didn't seem that way to you in the van.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know it's silly, but... when I saw it lying there all bald and helpless, I thought, "That's gonna be me one day."
Pat: That is the most damn depressing thing I have ever heard.
Dr. Linkletter: The end of life does tend to be depressing.
Sheldon: In New Orleans, they embrace the tradition of a jazz funeral where the deceased are celebrated through music.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true. Barkeep, do you happen to have any Dixieland jazz on the jukebox to celebrate the life of an armadillo?
Pat: Y'all need to leave now.

Dr. John Sturgis: "It was very horrible to go mad and know that you were going mad. To know that in a little minute, you would be here physically, and yet all the real essence would be dead and drowned in the black madness."
Sheldon: Bravo. [claps] Now I would like to read one of my favorite passages from the book.
Meemaw: I feel like I am all Asimov'd out. Let's hit the road.
Sheldon: Very well. We can kick off the next meeting with it.
Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps I can bake some cookies. I'm handy in the kitchen, you know.
Dr. John Sturgis: [exhales sharply] I've had them, and they're dry.