Sheldon: I think you tripped and hit your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a bit woozy.
Sheldon: I better test for concussion. What's your name?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Burgess Sturgis.
Sheldon: Burgess Sturgis? Great name.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] So tell me about this experiment.
Meemaw: Well, I don't know if you know this, but solar neutrinos are like little messengers from the center of the Sun.
Dr. John Sturgis: I did know that, but it's delightful to hear you say it.
Meemaw: Well, enjoy, 'cause that's about all I remember. [John laughs] So, what's new by you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, let's see... Uh, oh, yesterday I had my first breakfast burrito.
Meemaw: Mm. Good for you. How was it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Confusing. I ordinarily have burritos for lunch or dinner.
Meemaw: [laughs] I don't know how to respond to that.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're working on an experiment and I'm eating dinner for breakfast. It's a crazy world.

George Sr.: So, John, how was your first driving lesson?
Dr. John Sturgis: Intense. At one point, I was approaching an intersection. The light was green, but at the last moment, it turned yellow. I didn't know what to do. Should I keep going? Should I stop? There were other cars nearby. Connie was yelling. A glare from the sun was in my eyes.
Sheldon: So, what happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: Somehow, I managed to make it through, turned on my directional, and slowly pulled to the side of the road.
Sheldon: That's how you tell a scary story.

Dr. John Sturgis: Boy, this brings back some memories.
Sheldon: How come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, when I was your age, I was also taken to a university to be studied.
Sheldon: Because they thought you were really smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because they thought I was clinically insane.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] So, there's no one who can lend you a car?
Meemaw: There is the church shuttle, but that just feels like it's the end of the line.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I wouldn't say that. There's all sorts of depressing steps before the end. You've got full-time nursing care.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Assisted living.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hospice.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Life support.
Meemaw: Bye, John!
Dr. John Sturgis: Pulling the plug. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then... you make a miraculous recovery!
Meemaw: Great!
Dr. John Sturgis: But... the hospital bills leave you destitute!
Meemaw: Bye.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye.

Dr. John Sturgis: What were you thinking, letting me take care of a child? I won't make that mistake again. Do I look like Mary Poppins?

Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Considering buying this jacket. I found chewing tobacco and Juicy Fruit in the pocket. Does that come with it, or is it extra?
Meemaw: Actually, that's not for sale. Why don't you look for something else.
Dr. John Sturgis: You sure? There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: Just take it off.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is this some kind of bargaining technique? Because I should warn you.
I've been to the bazaars in Istanbul, where the negotiations are fast, furious and bilingual.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Oh, my goodness. Was anyone hurt?
Meemaw: No. But now I got no car for a while.
Dr. John Sturgis: You could ride your bike.
Meemaw: An old lady on a bike? That's not cool.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? Then I won't ask how I look on one.
Meemaw: You look great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. I just wanted to hear you say it. [Meemaw chuckles]

Sheldon: I still don't understand why you'd rather work here than be a physicist.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm enjoying the change of pace. And they let me take home all the expired food I want.

Meemaw: [on the phone] Listen, I want to warn you about Dale. He's kind of a guy's guy. Sometimes his sense of humor can be a little mean-spirited. Just don't let it hurt your feelings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you don't have to worry about me. We physicists are no strangers to smack talk. I once told Dr. Linkletter he wouldn't know a randomized trial if it crawled up his sphincter.

Dr. Linkletter: So what does it all mean, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you should ask someone who isn't drinking on a park bench. [both chuckle]
Dr. Linkletter: You work your whole life. It all seems so important at the time, but is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a good question. It puts me in mind of, uh, Camus' The Myth of Siphisus... Siphaphis...
Dr. Linkletter: Sisyphus.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's the guy. Every day he rolled the rock up the mountain, and every day it rolled back down.
Dr. Linkletter: That's what it seems like. But you escaped. You stopped rolling that rock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's what I thought. But every single bag of groceries I fill, there's another one right behind it.

Meemaw: John is everybody at this party gonna be a scientist like you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not everybody. You'll be there.
Meemaw: That's kind of what I'm gettin' at.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is there a problem?
Meemaw: Well yeah. I didn't go to college. I was a total screwup in high school. I might not fit in at all.
Dr. John Sturgis: Don't be silly. Everyone's gonna love you. And I'm excited to show you off. The general consensus among the faculty is you don't exist.
Meemaw: I don't know how I feel about that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, don't worry it says more about me than it does about you.

Dr. John Sturgis: Societal norms are different on road trips. Normally, I don't eat junk food, but here, it's tradition. I'm not even sure what a chicharron is.
Sheldon: It's the deep-fried skin of a pig.
Dr. John Sturgis: That seems like something they should say on the bag.

Dr. John Sturgis: There's an upcoming event at the university, and I'd like you to be my plus-one.
Meemaw: Oh. Well, I'd love to go.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful! It's a date. Bye.
Meemaw: Wait, wait. Hang on there, partner. I need a little more information. When is this event?
Dr. John Sturgis: This Friday night.
Meemaw: Oh. What time?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not sure.
Meemaw: Well, will there be food?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have no idea.
Meemaw: What's the dress code?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a clue.
Meemaw: Well, what do you know?
Dr. John Sturgis: You're my plus-one.
Meemaw: Well, you go do a little more research and get back to me.
Dr. John Sturgis: You got it!
Meemaw: Bye.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wait.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Love you!
Meemaw: Love you, too.

Meemaw: John, I don't think you realize the responsibility involved here.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, why don't we have a trial run? Have him spend a couple days with me and see how it goes.
Meemaw: A trial run, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Like the space program. You don't send people up right away; you start by spinning them around in that thing that makes them throw up.

Dr. John Sturgis: You see, humans have evolved as social animals, so your feeling hurt might be a deep evolutionary desire to cooperate with others to ensure your survival.
Sheldon: So, you're saying it makes sociobiological sense to want other people to like me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, and you may even get benefits from it. It's like on that show you enjoy, Star Track.
Sheldon: Trek.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. Captain Kirk can't do it all by himself. He needs Doctor Spock.
Sheldon: Mister.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right. And Mister McCoy.
Sheldon: Doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: Right.
Sheldon: Well, technically, they were his subordinate officers, but Kirk did always deal with them in a friendly manner, so I take your point.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good man.
Sheldon: I suppose I could treat it like an experiment. Run an analysis of the benefits of having people like me.
Dr. John Sturgis: That sounds like an idea the Captain, the Doctor, or the Mister would be proud of.
Sheldon: Excellent.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, you'd think a smart fella like Spock would have a doctorate.
Sheldon: Actually, Spock rejected an offer from the Vulcan Science Academy in order to attend Starfleet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Not the choice I would have made, but I'm happy for him.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, what brings you here?
Sheldon: Well, I did something wrong, and yet I've received no punishment. What's my incentive to behave morally if the rules of society aren't being enforced?
Dr. John Sturgis: Reminds me of the Ring of Gyges.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with the Ring of Gyges.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it's a delightful brainteaser. Plato asked the question: If you could wear a ring that made you invisible, what would prevent you from committing the most horrendous crimes?
Sheldon: Sounds an awful lot like the Ring of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I'm not familiar with The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: Oh, it's a delightful series of fantasy books in which there's a ring that makes the wearer invisible but also leads to moral corruption.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Perhaps you should read Plato, and I should read The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: You should really start with The Hobbit.
Dr. John Sturgis: What's a hobbit?
Sheldon: It's a race of short humanoids who live in burrows and have hairy feet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I've been called that. But I never knew what it was.

Mary: Remember, it's a school night, so his bedtime is 7:30.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mine, too!

Dr. John Sturgis: [v.o.] Dear Connie, you may have heard I've taken a job at the new supercollider in Waxahachie. I wanted to tell you in person, but, uh, I was afraid you'd be upset. And, honestly... I was even more afraid you wouldn't be.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: This also gives me an excuse to use my astronaut pen. I'm not upside-down, but if I was, it would still write. [laughs]

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me! Everyone!
George Sr.: Oh, boy.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would like to propose a toast to George Cooper. I don't mind telling you I'm going through a bit of a rough patch, and this man went out of his way to take me here and listen to my woes. And George and I don't even know each other that well.
George Sr.: You heard it. Y'all heard it.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I just broke up with a woman. A beautiful, passionate woman. Adventurous. Sensual. Apparently, you're never too old for heartache. But tonight, I found solace in the bosom of male friendship. To George Cooper. [silence] Drinks are on me!
All: To George Cooper! [cheers]