June: So you went camping with Dale? How'd that go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I hesitate to speak ill of him.
June: I divorced him. Say what you want.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then, it was terrible.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] You know, the truth is, I'm-I'm still kind of heartbroken over Connie, and, uh, I was hoping if someone else liked me, it might make it hurt less.
June: Well, I don't know either one of you very well, but I wouldn't write off Connie just yet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why? Did she say something?
June: No, but, uh, it's just the way she looked at you.
Dr. John Sturgis: See? That's what I'm terrible at. How do you people do it?
June: Look, I know she's with Dale right now, but we were married for a long time. Trust me, he's gonna screw this up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Follow up question: Should I mention any of this to Connie?
June: Mm, I wouldn't.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. Bye.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: How dare you accuse me of plagiarism? And to my colleague, no less. This is my reputation you're jeopardizing.
Sheldon: Well, give me the credit I deserve and I'll stop.
Dr. John Sturgis: We've been over this. You made a helpful suggestion and then you arrogantly assumed that it entitled you to a coauthor credit, which it doesn't.
Sheldon: But I was the one who...
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been your friend and mentor. The idea that I would steal from you is both personally and professionally insulting.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but...
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I don't want to see you in my class anymore. [line clicks, dial tone]

Adult Sheldon: I wasn't getting the help I needed, so I turned to the smartest resource I knew.
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Love is a funny thing. They say, "The heart wants what the heart wants," but I think it should be, "The limbic system wants what the limbic system wants."
Sheldon: Finally, someone's making sense.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, not to brag, but when it comes to unrequited love, I'm kind of an expert.
Sheldon: Well, when I talk to Paige, all she does is drive me crazy.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's a thin line between affection and aggravation. The Roman poet Catullus said, "I hate and I love and I know not why."
Sheldon: I'm not sure what to make of that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps it'd be more useful in Latin. "Odi et amo..."

Sheldon: [on the phone] I just want to know if I have a crush.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, does your heart rate elevate when you're in her presence?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Dr. John Sturgis: Does your stomach flutter?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sounds like your limbic system might be doing its thing.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I never cared for surprises. My meemaw, on the other hand, thought they were "a hoot." And it's a good thing, because instead of finding the paper on her doorstep, she found... [doorbell rings]
Meemaw: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wanted to surprise you.
Meemaw: Mission accomplished.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary.
Mary: Hey, John. What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I lost my job. So while I'm figuring things out, I'm a bag boy. Although at my age, "boy" is pushing it. [laughs]
Mary: Aren't you a little... [whispers] overqualified?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Very.
Mary: Hey, why don't you join us for dinner this weekend. Sheldon would love to see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Man: [over P.A.] Cleanup on aisle two.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's me. Madge, can you finish up here? I have a date with a mop. [chuckles] [walks away]
Mary: [to Madge] He's really smart.

[fantasy:]
Missy: And I just want to say I'm sorry for any time I was bad and any time I was mean to Sheldon.
Mary: It's okay.
Missy: It's just so funny when he's upset. But I'm still sorry about it.
George Jr.: I'm sorry, too. Dad, I've been awful, especially to you.
George Sr.: No, you haven't.
George Jr.: I have.
George Sr.: Well, we're good. [they hug]
Mary: Okay, we are done talking. I love you all, but it is really time to pray.
All: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Missy: Is that really what would happen if there was a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: One of the possibilities.
Meemaw: Are they all such a bummer?
Sheldon: Not necessarily. There's a theory that an event like that could open a wormhole into an alternate universe.
George Sr.: So what goes on in an alternate universe?
Sheldon: Anything, really. It could be slightly different from this one or the complete opposite.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true.
George Sr.: So if a black hole transports us to an alternate universe, w-would we even know it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Probably not.

Dr. Linkletter: Don't get bitten. I'm not wrapping you in a towel, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm just giving it water.
Sheldon: Okay, there's a firehouse 28 miles away.
Dr. John Sturgis: I bet they can help.
Sheldon: I was thinking we'd leave it on their doorstep.
Dr. John Sturgis: This isn't a joke. I injured this creature, so I have to take care of it. Do you understand?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Pat: Y'all must be lost.
Sheldon: Oh, we're not lost. You can't get lost with a AAA TripTik.
Pat: I mean, I don't know where you're trying to be, but this ain't it.
Dr. Linkletter: Message received. We'll be on our way.
Dr. John Sturgis: Please. We have an injured armadillo that needs medical assistance.
Pat: You brought that filthy thing into my bar?
Dr. Linkletter: And now we're taking it out. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: If we could just use your phone.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] I know you're a human hospital, but the animal hospital isn't answering their phone. Well, is there a doctor who has a soft spot for pets? Maybe a nurse with pictures of cats on her desk? [Dr. Linkletter takes a look under the towel]
Dr. Linkletter: You can hang up the phone, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: I think you know why.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for your time.

Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, here's a pineapple. It's a symbol of hospitality dating back to the 1700s.
Mary: Thank you. How tropical.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, hello!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi!
Sheldon: Ooh. Did you know the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality?
Mary: As a matter of fact, I did.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're welcome!

[fantasy:]
George Sr.: Tornado this time of year?
George Jr.: There's not a cloud in the sky.
Reporter: [on TV] Information is still coming in, but a black hole has been detected in Waxahachie, Texas.
Mary: Oh, my Lord.
Reporter: Sources report it was caused by the supercollider. The black hole is growing exponentially across Texas, destroying everything in its path. This is an emergency situation. Repeat, this is an emergency situat... [static]
Meemaw: John, what do we do?
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing we can do.
Sheldon: He's right. It's going to create a gravitational field that'll consume everything around it.
George Sr.: Should we evacuate?
Dr. John Sturgis: We can't. We could never outrun it.
George Jr.: Well, how much time do we have?
Dr. John Sturgis: Minutes, at best.

Dr. John Sturgis: Na zdrowie! That's, uh, "to our health" in Russian.
George Sr.: This is not the place to talk Russian.

[fantasy:]
Missy: Daddy, I'm scared.
George Sr.: It's okay, baby.
Mary: We need to pray right now.
George Jr.: You do that. I'm having a beer.
Mary: Oh, everybody hold hands. Heavenly Father, watch over us...
Sheldon: I don't want to spend my last moments on Earth praying.
Meemaw: Yeah, if we only got a few minutes left, I want to spend it talking to y'all. You are all the light of my life. And I love you so much. [crashing outside]
Missy: Daddy. [hugs George]
George Sr.: Oh, I got you. I'm not letting go. I never said it enough, but I love y'all. Kids, you have made me a very proud father.
Sheldon: I'm not ready. There are so many things I want to do.
George Jr.: Well, you better pick one right now.
Sheldon: [panting] O-Okay, um... [hugs Mary]

Meemaw: Well, this is me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Guess I'll be seeing you next time you go shopping?
Meemaw: [chuckles] I look forward to it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie?
Meemaw: Yeah?
Dr. John Sturgis: Tuesdays are double coupons.
Meemaw: Good to know.

Meemaw: I tell you what, how about we take my car?
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. So, would you be opposed to me sitting in the back seat? It's statistically the safest part of the car.
Meemaw: Actually, I would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Asked and answered.

Meemaw: Do you like guacamole?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Being from Maine, we didn't have much Mexican food. Or Mexican people.
Or people.