Dr. John Sturgis Quotes

Quote from the episode Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George Sr.: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Meemaw: John, this is June.
June: Hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: June. After Juno, wife of Jupiter and queen of the gods.
June: No, after the fact that my mom got knocked up in June.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ribald! Wonderful.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

June: So you went camping with Dale? How'd that go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I hesitate to speak ill of him.
June: I divorced him. Say what you want.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then, it was terrible.

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] You know, the truth is, I'm-I'm still kind of heartbroken over Connie, and, uh, I was hoping if someone else liked me, it might make it hurt less.
June: Well, I don't know either one of you very well, but I wouldn't write off Connie just yet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why? Did she say something?
June: No, but, uh, it's just the way she looked at you.
Dr. John Sturgis: See? That's what I'm terrible at. How do you people do it?
June: Look, I know she's with Dale right now, but we were married for a long time. Trust me, he's gonna screw this up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Follow up question: Should I mention any of this to Connie?
June: Mm, I wouldn't.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. Bye.

Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips

Adult Sheldon: I wasn't getting the help I needed, so I turned to the smartest resource I knew.
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Love is a funny thing. They say, "The heart wants what the heart wants," but I think it should be, "The limbic system wants what the limbic system wants."
Sheldon: Finally, someone's making sense.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, not to brag, but when it comes to unrequited love, I'm kind of an expert.
Sheldon: Well, when I talk to Paige, all she does is drive me crazy.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's a thin line between affection and aggravation. The Roman poet Catullus said, "I hate and I love and I know not why."
Sheldon: I'm not sure what to make of that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps it'd be more useful in Latin. "Odi et amo..."

Quote from the episode A Second Prodigy and the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips

Sheldon: [on the phone] I just want to know if I have a crush.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, does your heart rate elevate when you're in her presence?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Dr. John Sturgis: Does your stomach flutter?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sounds like your limbic system might be doing its thing.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I never cared for surprises. My meemaw, on the other hand, thought they were "a hoot." And it's a good thing, because instead of finding the paper on her doorstep, she found... [doorbell rings]
Meemaw: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wanted to surprise you.
Meemaw: Mission accomplished.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary.
Mary: Hey, John. What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I lost my job. So while I'm figuring things out, I'm a bag boy. Although at my age, "boy" is pushing it. [laughs]
Mary: Aren't you a little... [whispers] overqualified?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Very.
Mary: Hey, why don't you join us for dinner this weekend. Sheldon would love to see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Man: [over P.A.] Cleanup on aisle two.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's me. Madge, can you finish up here? I have a date with a mop. [chuckles] [walks away]
Mary: [to Madge] He's really smart.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

[fantasy:]
George Sr.: Tornado this time of year?
George Jr.: There's not a cloud in the sky.
Reporter: [on TV] Information is still coming in, but a black hole has been detected in Waxahachie, Texas.
Mary: Oh, my Lord.
Reporter: Sources report it was caused by the supercollider. The black hole is growing exponentially across Texas, destroying everything in its path. This is an emergency situation. Repeat, this is an emergency situat... [static]
Meemaw: John, what do we do?
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing we can do.
Sheldon: He's right. It's going to create a gravitational field that'll consume everything around it.
George Sr.: Should we evacuate?
Dr. John Sturgis: We can't. We could never outrun it.
George Jr.: Well, how much time do we have?
Dr. John Sturgis: Minutes, at best.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

[fantasy:]
Missy: Daddy, I'm scared.
George Sr.: It's okay, baby.
Mary: We need to pray right now.
George Jr.: You do that. I'm having a beer.
Mary: Oh, everybody hold hands. Heavenly Father, watch over us...
Sheldon: I don't want to spend my last moments on Earth praying.
Meemaw: Yeah, if we only got a few minutes left, I want to spend it talking to y'all. You are all the light of my life. And I love you so much. [crashing outside]
Missy: Daddy. [hugs George]
George Sr.: Oh, I got you. I'm not letting go. I never said it enough, but I love y'all. Kids, you have made me a very proud father.
Sheldon: I'm not ready. There are so many things I want to do.
George Jr.: Well, you better pick one right now.
Sheldon: [panting] O-Okay, um... [hugs Mary]

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

[fantasy:]
Missy: And I just want to say I'm sorry for any time I was bad and any time I was mean to Sheldon.
Mary: It's okay.
Missy: It's just so funny when he's upset. But I'm still sorry about it.
George Jr.: I'm sorry, too. Dad, I've been awful, especially to you.
George Sr.: No, you haven't.
George Jr.: I have.
George Sr.: Well, we're good. [they hug]
Mary: Okay, we are done talking. I love you all, but it is really time to pray.
All: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

Missy: Is that really what would happen if there was a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: One of the possibilities.
Meemaw: Are they all such a bummer?
Sheldon: Not necessarily. There's a theory that an event like that could open a wormhole into an alternate universe.
George Sr.: So what goes on in an alternate universe?
Sheldon: Anything, really. It could be slightly different from this one or the complete opposite.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true.
George Sr.: So if a black hole transports us to an alternate universe, w-would we even know it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Probably not.

Quote from the episode A Black Hole

Meemaw: Well, this is me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Guess I'll be seeing you next time you go shopping?
Meemaw: [chuckles] I look forward to it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie?
Meemaw: Yeah?
Dr. John Sturgis: Tuesdays are double coupons.
Meemaw: Good to know.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Dr. Linkletter: Don't get bitten. I'm not wrapping you in a towel, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm just giving it water.
Sheldon: Okay, there's a firehouse 28 miles away.
Dr. John Sturgis: I bet they can help.
Sheldon: I was thinking we'd leave it on their doorstep.
Dr. John Sturgis: This isn't a joke. I injured this creature, so I have to take care of it. Do you understand?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Pat: Y'all must be lost.
Sheldon: Oh, we're not lost. You can't get lost with a AAA TripTik.
Pat: I mean, I don't know where you're trying to be, but this ain't it.
Dr. Linkletter: Message received. We'll be on our way.
Dr. John Sturgis: Please. We have an injured armadillo that needs medical assistance.
Pat: You brought that filthy thing into my bar?
Dr. Linkletter: And now we're taking it out. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: If we could just use your phone.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] I know you're a human hospital, but the animal hospital isn't answering their phone. Well, is there a doctor who has a soft spot for pets? Maybe a nurse with pictures of cats on her desk? [Dr. Linkletter takes a look under the towel]
Dr. Linkletter: You can hang up the phone, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why?
Dr. Linkletter: I think you know why.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for your time.