Meemaw: I think it's nice that y'all get along as well as you do.
Dale: Mm-hmm. Where are we going with this?
Meemaw: Oh, just nothing. Makin' conversation.
Dale: Okay.
Meemaw: You sleeping with her?
Dale: Lord, no. She's my ex-wife. Come on. Oh, my gosh, what kind of sicko sleeps with their ex-wife? Where is this coming from? Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No. I'd just like to know, you know, what kind of relationship we're in. I mean, are we seeing other people or what?
Dale: Connie Tucker, are you asking me to go steady?
Meemaw: You know what I'm asking, jackass.
Dale: [chuckles] All right, all right, all right. You listen to me. Now, I'm 72 years old. Do you think I have enough stamina to go playing around with other women?
Meemaw: You saying the only reason you're seeing me is you're too old and tired to see anybody else?
Dale: [sighs] Give me the Tums.

George Jr.: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
George Jr.: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
George Jr.: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
George Jr.: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Dale: You actually bought this thing?
Meemaw: It's fun, huh?
Dale: I feel like I'm riding in a banana.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. It's a beautiful day. The top is down. Feel that wind.
Dale: Yeah, I feel the wind. I just can't feel my feet.
Meemaw: Well, put your seat back.
Dale: If I put it any further back, I'd be in the trunk.
Meemaw: Starting to wish I had put you in the trunk. [Dale covers his mouth] What are you doing now?
Dale: Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

George Sr.: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Ms. Hutchins: I don't think so.
George Sr.: [to Coach Wilkins] Call an ambulance. [to Ms. Hutchins] Don't worry, we're gonna get you taken care of.
Ms. Hutchins: If I die, tell my therapist I hate him.

Sheldon: Did he apologize?
Mary: No. He is very upset with you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm upset with him.
Mary: That doesn't excuse you from trying to get him in trouble by calling Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Who else was I supposed to tattle to? I doubt his mother's still alive.

Mary: Sheldon, I understand why you're upset, but you still owe him an apology.
Sheldon: Then you don't understand.
Mary: Well, for now, it sounds like you two could use a little quiet time.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll switch over to Dr. Linkletter's class. He's a foot taller than Sturgis and can reach more of the chalkboard.