Mary: Excuse me. Did you sell this to my son?
Glenn: I don't know. Who's your son?
Mary: The little boy in the corner.
Glenn: Which one?
Mary: Sheldon Cooper.
Glenn: Oh. Yeah.
Mary: Look at him! He is the same size as one of the dolls you sell here.
Glenn: Those are action figures.

George Sr.: I was just thinking that, uh, you and me, you know, we don't spend much time together. You know, we should find something to do, just-just two of us.
Missy: Like what?
George Sr.: You tell me. What-what sounds fun?
Missy: I'd like to be taken to dinner.
George Sr.: Great. Where?
Missy: To the fanciest restaurant in all of Texas.
George Sr.: Which is?
Missy: Red Lobster, where the surf meets the turf.
George Sr.: You got it.
Missy: Thanks, Dad. Mom, you got to take me shopping! I need a dress!

Sheldon: Hi, Mom.
Mary: What did you do?!
Sheldon: Good news. I found out what part was making that noise.
Mary: You have to put this back together!
Missy: Now we're getting to the bad news.
Mary: What made you think you could fix this?
Sheldon: I'm smart and I had a book.
Mary: Do you still think you're smart?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: I told him not to do it. He wouldn't listen.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I have a little surprise for you.
Meemaw: Oh, I love surprises. Whatcha got?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm going to learn to drive.
Meemaw: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. While I love having you be the dominant personality behind closed doors, I think out in public I ought to take on more of a macho role.
Meemaw: [LAUGHS] Well, you're macho enough for me, John, but I would enjoy not having to drive us all the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then it's settled.
Meemaw: Well, when do you start?
Dr. John Sturgis: As soon as you teach me.
Meemaw: Me? Do you really think that's a good idea?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's perfect. I teach you about science so you can impress your grandson, and you teach me to drive so I can impress you.
Meemaw: Okay, but if we do this, I'm in charge. You have to do what I say when and how I tell you to do it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hubba-hubba, it's like we're back in the bedroom.

Sheldon: Mind if I join you?
Missy: Doing what?
Sheldon: Swinging.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: It's my hope to feel the wind in my hair and be carefree.
Missy: Um, okay. ... Sheldon threw up on me. Sheldon threw up on me!

George Sr.: Where's Georgie?
Mary: I don't know. I called him ten minutes ago.
Missy: He's probably curled up in a ball, crying about Veronica.
Mary: Why do you say that?
Missy: It's just what I'm hearing.
George Jr.: From who?
Missy: I'm kinda plugged into this town.

Mary: Mary Cooper, how may I bless you?
Sheldon: Hello, Mom?
Mary: Sheldon? Everything okay?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: What's wrong? What happened?
Sheldon: My sandwich tastes different.
Mary: You know you're not supposed to call unless it's an emergency.
Sheldon: I'm well aware. So what did you change?
Mary: I didn't change anything. Same bread, same peanut butter, same jelly.
Sheldon: Did you use one knife for the PB and the J?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Mary: That was one time two years ago, and all the other knives were dirty.
Sheldon: It was 14 months and 11 days ago. When we made the big switch from Wonder Bread.
Mary: Oh, how could I forget?

Mary: Shelly, it's probably just your taste buds changing as you get older.
Sheldon: But I don't like change.
Missy: Then you're gonna hate puberty.

Nell Cavanaugh: Thank you, Ms. MacElroy, Principal Petersen, our hard-working teachers, and my fellow students. I'm blessed to call so many of you friends. Y'all probably know everything about me already. Lord knows I love to talk. So instead of going on about myself, I'd like to talk to you about my opponent. Sheldon Cooper has been lobbying for new science equipment here at Medford High, and while that sounds wonderful, the truth is, he thinks our school wastes its money on football. Do we really want a class president who doesn't care about football? No! I know I am proud to be a Medford High cheerleader, and I love football! But you know the one thing I love more than football? God. Let me tell you another interesting fact about my opponent. Did you know that Sheldon Cooper is an atheist? That's right. He doesn't believe in God. Just keep that in mind when you cast your vote today. I'm Nell Cavanaugh. Go Wolves!

Sheldon: Mom and Dad won't take me to California to see Stephen Hawking.
Missy: You thought they would take you to California?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: They wouldn't even buy me this book at the book fair. I had to get it at the library. There's a booger on one of the pages.

George Sr.: You comfortable? Can I get you anything else?
Ms. Hutchins: No. I-I'm okay. You've been so kind to welcome me into your home.
George Sr.: Well, it's the least we could do.
Ms. Hutchins: It's so nice to be around a family like this. [crying] I've been alone for... so long. Honestly, if it weren't for the cats, I'd have no one. Oh, wait. The cats! I abandoned Edgar and Allan.
George Sr.: Edgar and Allan?
Ms. Hutchins: Poe ran away. Would you please go feed them and tell them I love them?
George Sr.: Uh... any chance this could wait till morning?
Ms. Hutchins: [crying] I guess.

Missy: Why didn't you eat with us?
Sheldon: I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me.
Missy: Mom's not thrilled with me, either.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: Mom made chicken, and I said chickens cluck a lot, so they should be called "cluckers." And some chickens are moms, so you could call them "mother..."
Sheldon: I don't care.
Missy: Mom sure did.
Missy: What did you do wrong?
Sheldon: I got Dad in trouble with the IRS. He has to hire an accountant, which could cost us a lot of money.
Missy: Dang, makes me not want to have kids.

Sheldon: [cereal crackling] I hear no snap, I hear no pop, only crackle. [eats] A bowl of lies.

Umpire: Strike!
Missy: Yes!
Dale: Aw, don't get all hysterical, little girl!
Missy: You suck!
Dale: You suck!
Missy: No! You suck!
Umpire: Strike!
Dale: I am the leader of the little people.

Sheldon: You were there. Don't you remember?
Missy: [SIGHS] I got nothing.

Missy: I can't believe Mom and Dad had a fight over beer.
Sheldon: I don't think the fight was about beer. I think there was more subtext.
Missy: You're probably right. Then again, I don't know what subtext is.

Meemaw: So what do you think, George? Is it time to have "the talk" with him?
Missy: What talk?
Mary: No talk. Nobody's talking.
Sheldon: If "the talk" is in regards to human reproduction, I already understand how that works.
Mary: How do you know that?
Missy: I told him.
Mary: Oh, Lord.

George Jr.: Too bad he didn't know Herschel. He can fix anything. Guy's a genius.
George Sr.: You mean a car genius.
Missy: Is Dad getting his feelings hurt? "Yes." The ball don't lie.

Adult Sheldon: I don't care how dimwitted you are, scientific principles have to make you smile. Of course, nobody I knew in East Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig.

Mary: That's enough. No one's adopted.
Missy: I wish I was.
Mary: That can still be arranged.