Mary: Mary Cooper, how may I bless you?
Sheldon: Hello, Mom?
Mary: Sheldon? Everything okay?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: What's wrong? What happened?
Sheldon: My sandwich tastes different.
Mary: You know you're not supposed to call unless it's an emergency.
Sheldon: I'm well aware. So what did you change?
Mary: I didn't change anything. Same bread, same peanut butter, same jelly.
Sheldon: Did you use one knife for the PB and the J?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Mary: That was one time two years ago, and all the other knives were dirty.
Sheldon: It was 14 months and 11 days ago. When we made the big switch from Wonder Bread.
Mary: Oh, how could I forget?

Pastor Jeff: And now George's loving wife Mary would like to say a few words. Mary.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. Um... [clears throat] I met George in high school. Well, I was in high school. He was an older man with a motorcycle. [light laughter] I'd like to tell you he caught my eye, but actually it was the motorcycle. [laughter] [voice breaking] I'm sorry, I can't... do this. I am... so angry. [sighs] George and I had our ups and downs, but we were finally in such a good place, and then he... left. [crying] He left all of us. I- How could you do that? [Meemaw stands up] I am so mad at him. I'm mad at God, I'm mad at myself for not trying harder while he was here. [Meemaw goes up to Mary] This wasn't supposed to happen. [Mary sobs] [Meemaw hugs Mary] [Georgie hugs a crying Missy]

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: [turns around] What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Sheldon: Regardless, I'm not interested in making any more friends.
Mary: Oh, I don't think that's how you really feel.
Sheldon: It is. From now on, it's a hermit's life for me.
Mary: I bet, when you grow up, you will be surrounded by lots of smart, wonderful friends.
Sheldon: I can't see that happening.

Meemaw: [singing] Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner, Yet wave-

Meemaw: [singing] From the mountains, To the prairies, To the oceans white with foam, God bless America, Our home sweet home-
Man: Pinko!
Meemaw: Screw you! [singing] God bless America!

Mary: See? Happy Hearth Home Bakeries, just like always.
Sheldon: Well, something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: That's Shakespeare, Mom.
Mary: Great.