Mary: You want to get comfy on the couch and watch your Star Trek tapes?
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Mary: I know what'll make you feel better. [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Happy kitty Sleepy kitty Purr, purr, purr Soft liar, warm liar Little ball of fib Happy liar, sleepy liar Fib, fib, fib. Feel better?
Sheldon: Uh-uh.

George Sr.: This is perfect. They're mad at each other. Takes the heat off us.
Sheldon: Thank you. I had no idea what was going on.

Mary: I'm home.
Sheldon: Would you care to explain this letter, which I didn't read but legally know the contents of?

George Sr.: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

[on the video tape:]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and this is Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College. I realize attending college in another state or country is unrealistic at this time. Which is why I'm proposing that I live at home but enroll full-time to continue my studies with Dr. Sturgis at East Texas Tech. I firmly believe that I'm ready for this next step in my academic life. But don't just take it from me...

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper, ready for college, ready to change the world.
George Sr.: Cut.
Sheldon: If that doesn't convince her, I don't know what her problem is.

Professor Boucher: For your design assignment, you may decide between suspension bridges, truss bridges, beam bridges, just not Beau Bridges. [silence] And people say engineers don't have a sense of humor. [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes?
Sheldon: What are Beau Bridges?
Professor Boucher: That's all for today.

Sheldon: Ugh. I'm coming with you.
George Jr.: Why are you wearin' my helmet?
Sheldon: I don't expect this to end well.
George Jr.: And the pillows?
Sheldon: Same answer.

Mr. Givens: I have a special treat for y'all today. My dear friend and former college roommate is here from the Johnson Space Center in Houston to talk to us about our space program. And yeah, I know what you're thinking. These guys were roomies. How does one go on to be a-a fancy scientist at NASA, and the other's teaching freshman science at a public high school? Yeah, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was thinking that.
Mr. Givens: Thank you.

[After Sheldon catches a fish]
Sheldon: Get it away, get it away!
George Sr.: Calm down, it's an itty-bitty thing.
Sheldon: No, I'm an itty-bitty thing!

[Sheldon, George Sr. and Georgie in a tent]
Sheldon: Moth! Moth!
George Sr.: Sheldon, it's just a butterfly.
Sheldon: How is that any better? Butterfly, butterfly!

Ms. Ingram: And so the square of sine plus cosine equals one. Sheldon.
Sheldon: I don't want to embarrass you, so I'm going to give you a moment to think about what you just said.

Sheldon: What's wrong with them?
Mary: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: They're so quiet. Are they on medication?
Mary: No, they're just smart like you.
Sheldon: I've been going to school in a zoo.

Mary: Flora, I have to ask about the living arrangements. That's our main concern.
Flora: Well, I think I can reassure you about that. My husband and I have been hosting a student for the last several years who recently graduated and is now at Princeton. So we have a guest room available in our home.
George Sr.: That's very generous of you. Does your husband work at the school also?
Flora: No, he's retired. He was an astrophysicist for NASA.
Sheldon: Please tell me you don't have a dog.
Flora: No, we're both allergic.
Sheldon: I'm tingling.

Libby: What do you want?
Sheldon: Would you like to have lunch with me and my friend?
Libby: Why?
Sheldon: Why else? So we can have a spirited conversation about geostatistics.
Libby: You really are as smart as everybody says.
Sheldon: My teeth are small, but my prefrontal cortex is enormous.

Libby: Do you know what you're going to major in in college?
Sheldon: I'm leaning towards quantum chromodynamics, but who knows? A few years ago, I would've said choo-choo trains.

Mary: So how was school today?
George Jr.: Sheldon's got a girlfriend.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: That's not true.
George Jr.: Oh, yes, it is. I seen him talking to her at school.
Meemaw: Sheldon Lee Cooper, you dog.
George Sr.: Is she cute?
Sheldon: Compared to what?

Mary: What grade is she in?
Sheldon: Eleventh.
George Sr.: An older woman. Nice.
Sheldon: Most everybody's older than me. Why is that nice?

Mary: How's it going in there, baby?
Sheldon: [gargling, spits] Okay, but we're gonna need more Listerine.

Adult Sheldon: From a young age, I was the proud member of several elite organizations: The Radio Shack Battery Club, entitling the bearer to the incredible bargain of one free battery per month. It's no wonder they went out of business.
Starfleet International, entitling the bearer to say things like, "I'm a member of Starfleet International."
And best of all, the Natural Science Museum of Texas, which included a free subscription to their magazine.
Sheldon: "The secrets of carbon isotope dating." Juicy.