Mary: All right, baby, we're leaving here in a few minutes, but we'll be back on Sunday and your Meemaw will be here. [Sheldon doesn't respond] Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Mary: We're leaving.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Mary: To San Antonio.
Sheldon: When are you leaving?
Mary: In a few minutes.
Sheldon: When will you get back?
Mary: Sunday.
Sheldon: But who's going to watch us?
Mary: Meemaw.
Sheldon: Okay. Bye.
Mary: Can you at least give me a hug?
Sheldon: I can.

Sheldon: I don't want anything. I'm not hungry.
Meemaw: Well, what's the matter?
Sheldon: My friends were supposed to play Dungeons & Dragons with me, but they cancelled.
Meemaw: Aw. Sorry.
Dale: We can play it with you.
Sheldon: Really?
Meemaw: Dale, that's nice, but... I don't think you'll like it.
Dale: Afraid I might beat you?
Sheldon: Actually, there's no one winner. It's a cooperative game where you use your imagination to explore a fantasy world with the help of the Dungeon Master's pre-planned scenarios and the rolling of polyhedral dice.
Meemaw: Still sound fun?
Dale: Yeah. Sorta.

Sheldon: Help me with my clothes.
Missy: Burn them and get new ones.
Sheldon: Please, it's freshman orientation. I want to make a good impression.
Missy: Fine.
Sheldon: Which bow tie says mature enough to be in college but whimsical enough to discuss which came first, the Higgs field or the photon?
Missy: They both say weird kid who eats alone.
Sheldon: Come on. I know you're concerned about what you'll wear to middle school.
Missy: [sighs] Show me again. The blue one. Plaid's too busy.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Missy: Or don't be the kid in a bow tie.
Sheldon: This is not the day to go crazy.

Pastor Jeff: Since everyone is going back to school tomorrow, let's finish up with a back-to-school prayer. [Sheldon raises his hand] What?
Sheldon: Does this prayer just apply to middle school, or is it appropriate for the college-bound?
Pastor Jeff: It's for everyone. But thank you once again for reminding us you're starting college.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind. You've got a lot on your plate.
Pastor Jeff: Just pray.

Sheldon: Normally I don't like facial hair, but Spock makes it work.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: I'm watching Star Trek: The Original Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry, I'm not up on my cartoons.
Sheldon: It's not a cartoon. It's a live-action science fiction show. Although there is one called Star Trek: The Animated Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I believe you. I was wondering if I can speak with your mommy.
Sheldon: Sure. Hold on. [shouts] Mom, Dr. Linkletter's on the phone. [on the phone] While we wait, here's a fun fact. In the animated series, Kukulkan was played by James Doohan.
Mary: [on the line] Hello?
Sheldon: James Doohan played Scotty on Star Trek: The Original Series.
Mary: Sheldon, I've got it.
Sheldon: He tried several accents before settling on Scottish.
Mary: Sheldon, hang up.
Sheldon: Okay. He felt the Scots were excellent engineers. Bye.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon. How wonderfully early it is to see you. If you've come by for a snack, I picked you up some crackers shaped like fish.
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that I don't need you to babysit me. I'm perfectly self-reliant.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I'm not very comfortable around children, even with your level of maturity. How old are you? Six? Seven?
Sheldon: Eleven.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Then it's good I kept the receipt for this bottle of bubbles shaped like a bear.
Sheldon: I should get going. My philosophy class starts in a few minutes.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, yes, the great thinkers. Socrates, Plato. Speaking of which, I got you some Play-Doh.

Professor Ericson: Very well, Mr. Cooper, how do you know you're not just dreaming butterflies can't dream?
Sheldon: Because I'm awake.
Professor Ericson: Or are you dreaming you're awake?
Sheldon: You can see I'm awake and you can hear me talking.
Professor Ericson: Yeah... I don't know. I saw some pretty trippy stuff at a Grateful Dead concert. The drummer turned into a tap-dancing walrus and floated away. So we can't really trust our senses, can we?
Sheldon: We can validate them by comparing them with other observers.
Professor Ericson: Mm, but that would mean we have to hear what they say, which requires... trusting our senses. Do you see a problem with your argument, Mr. Cooper?
Sheldon: I could concentrate better if you weren't flashing your toes at me.

Sheldon: She displayed complete contempt for science. She claimed that knowledge was a myth, and then she told the class they could take their shoes off. Some of them did.
Dr. Linkletter: Luckily we've established you're a mature young man capable of figuring this out on his own, so, go get 'em, sport.
Sheldon: But as a man of science, aren't you offended by this?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this is a college campus. You come across all sorts. Anarchists, communists, vegans. There's a fella in the religion department that believes God is two women, and their names are Wendy and Claire.
Sheldon: But to say nobody actually knows anything, how could she know that? It's a contradiction.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I blow some bubbles out of a bear's head and we call it a day?
Sheldon: I don't know how I'm going to last all semester with this free wheeling hippy.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know what to tell you. If you're that unhappy, just drop the class.
Sheldon: Of course. Drop the class. This is college. I can do that.
Dr. Linkletter:There you go.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: You're welcome.
Sheldon: From now on, I'm coming to you with all my problems.

Professor Ericson: Mr. Cooper, welcome. How can I help you?
Sheldon: I would like to drop your class.
Professor Ericson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoyed our discussion about skepticism. And butterflies.
Sheldon: I'm a scientist, and I don't find those types of questions worth my time. And butterflies are just worms that can chase you.
Professor Ericson: [laughs] The questions of philosophy are extremely challenging. People have spent 2,000-plus years trying to solve them without success. So if you feel like giving up, I don't blame you.
Sheldon: I'm not giving up. I'm saying they're not important.
Professor Ericson: Okay, so what is important?
Sheldon: The acquisition of factual knowledge.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know if something is factual?
Sheldon: You test it and see if it holds true.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know that that's factual?
Sheldon: ... You're doing it again.
Professor Ericson: Maybe you're dreaming I'm doing it.

Sheldon: And then she said, "Maybe you're just dreaming."
Meemaw: Are you gonna drop the class?
Sheldon: Yes, but only after I systematically destroy her half-baked arguments in front of everybody else.
Meemaw: It's good to have goals.

Mary: What if we don't turn the TV on at all and we play a board game?
George Jr.: Come on.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: [v.o.] "So that a genealogy of concepts results, in which each one has its definite place."
Mary: Shelly, it's your turn. Shelly?
[Sheldon and Mary are suddenly alone at the table:]
Sheldon: What's happening?
Mary: We're playing a board game.
Sheldon: Before dinner?
Mary: You ate dinner.
Sheldon: Did I like it?
Mary: You said the meat loaf was dry.
Sheldon: That sounds right.

George Sr.: All right, what's the problem here?
Sheldon: I don't know what's real.
George Sr.: That's a fun thing to think about on the way to school. Get up and get dressed.
Sheldon: Maybe I'm already dressed. Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats. That's a shoe covering that's short for "spatterdasher." Or is it? There's no way to know.
George Sr.: Here's what I know: I don't have time for this nonsense.
Sheldon: What is time? What is sense? What is "is"?
George Sr.: Sheldon, I mean it.
Sheldon: I remember when things meant things.
George Sr.: All right, I'm gonna count to three. One...
Sheldon: Believing in numbers... That takes me back.
George Sr.: Two...
Sheldon: To be or not to be. Shakespeare was onto something.
George Sr.: It's your last chance.
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered if you're the tongue of a multidimensional being trying to taste something you can never even understand? I have.

Dr. Linkletter: So, according to de Broglie, lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times what? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is it velocity?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. Now...
Sheldon: Or is it a velociraptor?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times a velociraptor. Or a velveteen rabbit. Ooh, or Velveeta. That's the cheese my mom puts on broccoli when she's being fancy.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this from your philosophy class or perhaps that Ren & Stumpy I've heard about?
Sheldon: Philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Mr. Cooper, do you really believe that de Broglie's equation contains Velveeta cheese?
Sheldon: I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.

Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?

Sheldon: It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed, and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.
Meemaw: Well, maybe instead of making this big switch, you could study both. You could be physics-philosophy guy.
Sheldon: You sound like a logical positivist. That's a branch of philosophy that maintains the best way to philosophize is through science.
Meemaw: Well, there you go. Do that.
Sheldon: It may be too early to specialize. I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.
Meemaw: Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled about you leaving science?
Sheldon: He never looks thrilled about anything. I think that's just his face. [Meemaw turns to look at Sheldon] That's the face.

Adult Sheldon: Altruism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to others.
[Sheldon lays down a plate of crackers in front of Missy]
Sheldon: These are for you.
Missy: Thanks.
[Sheldon takes the plate and walks away]
Missy: What the hell?!
Adult Sheldon: Egoism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
Sheldon: [eats] Mmm. These are pretty good.

Adult Sheldon: College is a time for new experiences, being exposed to exciting ways of thinking, meeting people from different backgrounds, and the unexpected visit from your dad in gym shorts.
George Sr.: Hey.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
George Sr.: I got a phone call. Apparently, the head of the college wants to talk to us.
Sheldon: Oh, good.
George Sr.: You sure it's good?
Sheldon: Well, it's better than what I thought when I saw you, which was, "Uh-oh, Meemaw died."

President Hagemeyer: All I'm asking you to do is to go to dinner, talk about science with a very nice and, more importantly, a very rich person.
Sheldon: Understood. No, thank you.
George Sr.: Buddy...
President Hagemeyer: All right, uh, Sheldon, I was brought to this school to help raise its profile, and one of the ways to do that is through grants and donations. You- You can understand that, right?
Sheldon: I understand that you would like to put the novelty of my age and advanced intellect on display to raise some cash.
President Hagemeyer: No. Sort of. [to George] Can I speak to you alone?
George Sr.: Will you give us a minute?
Sheldon: Very well. But if you're looking to see if my father will be a potential donor, you are barking up the wrong tree.

George Sr.: Is what they're asking really that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. I go to this university to study science, not to help collect money like an organ grinder's monkey.
George Sr.: You see me go to the rallies and fundraisers at the high school. I don't love it, but I do it.
Sheldon: And I hope they give you all the bananas you can eat.
George Sr.: Sheldon, donors like this are very helpful for the university. They pay for all the science equipment and your scholarship.
Sheldon: I hadn't thought of it that way.
George Sr.: So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday?
Sheldon: I'll think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about? It's a night of you showing off how smart you are.
Sheldon: People do like that. All right, I'm in.