Sheldon: Dad, can we afford a computer?
George: You do my taxes. What do you think?
Sheldon: Never mind.

Sheldon: Do you know anybody with a modem? I think Radio Shack has one.
Tam: Why?
Sheldon: I need to access thrust-to-weight ratios from the FTP server at the Johnson Space Center.
Tam: Then what?
Sheldon: Then I show that guy from NASA my work and laugh as he begs for mercy.

Mary: Maybe we should take him to the doctor.
Sheldon: Listen to your wife, ulcers are serious.

Dr. Eberland: Well, I've never seen this in someone so young, but, uh, your son has an ulcer.
Sheldon: Thank you.

George: Yeah, I was thinking along the lines of something a little more active. Like last year, we went fishing-
Sheldon: Mom! Dad's trying to make me go fishing!
George: No, no, it's okay. We're not going fishing.
Sheldon: All right, good. But seriously, was fishing really that bad?
Sheldon: Mom! Dad's trying to convince me that fishing wasn't that bad!

Coach Wilkins: 20 laps. Cooper?
Sheldon: If you're going to ask us to run, don't you think you should lead by example?

Sheldon: Ms. Ingram, can I offer a suggestion?
Ms. Ingram: What?
Sheldon: Never mind. You do it your way.
Ms. Ingram: No, no. You tell me. Tell me how I'm wrong.
Sheldon: You assumed an extra axiom of Euclidean geometry without stating it.

Zero: Shall we give him the final piece of information that unlocks the secret of the universe?
One: Why not? At least one human being should know the reason for everything.
Zero: Sheldon, before the universe began-
Georgie: Hey, dummy. You're drooling all over your books.
Sheldon: Huh? No. Zero was about to tell me the secret and you ruined it.

Libby: You know they're playing a space shuttle movie at the Museum of Natural Science. It's in IMAX.
Tam: I heard about that. The screen is supposed to be huge.
Libby: They also have a great geology exhibit.
Sheldon: Well, it's in Houston. How are we gonna get there?
Libby: I'll drive.
Tam: Oh, I would love to see a movie with you.
Sheldon: Don't you need to ask your parents first?
Tam: No, Sheldon, I don't.
Sheldon: But won't they worry where you are?
Tam: They'll be fine. Count me in.
Sheldon: Glad you're not my son.

Mr. Givens: How come?
Sheldon: Because I'm disillusioned with the school system.
Mr. Givens: Georgie, do you know what's going on with him?
Georgie: Actually, I'm trying to ignore it.

Dr. Goetsch: Welcome back.
Mary: Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, Doctor.
Dr. Goetsch: Oh, not a problem. Sheldon, I remember you. Do you remember me?
Sheldon: I remember everything.

Sheldon: The book says jiu-jitsu is based on using your attacker's momentum against them. It's just physics. Come at me.
Tam: Like, run at you?
Sheldon: Well, I'm new to this, so maybe just walk quickly.

Sheldon: [SCREAMING]
Mary: Shelly, it's just Bactine.
Sheldon: Aah!
Mary: I didn't even put it on you yet.

Sheldon: Very well. There's one more book that belongs in the box, filled with adultery, genocide, and even human sacrifice. [Sheldon places down a bible]

Meemaw: So, Moonpie, how's adult life treating you?
Sheldon: Very well, actually. I'm working on my application to Harvard.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. And I'm planning on transferring there as soon as possible.
Mary: You're not going away to Harvard.
Sheldon: I don't believe you have a say in this.
Mary: Okay, well, Harvard's real expensive. How do you plan on paying for it?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sure I'll get a scholarship.