George Sr.: Now, when you meet this guy, you got to shake his hand.
Sheldon: What if I offer a stately bow? That's how they do it in Asia.
George Sr.: You're shaking his hand.
Sheldon: Then it's a good thing I brought Old Righty. [holds up a mitten-covered hand]
George Sr.: You're not wearing that in a restaurant.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you don't make a good impression by being afraid to shake hands.
Sheldon: Howard Hughes was a germophobe, and he did quite well for himself.
George Sr.: Didn't he go crazy and save his pee in jars?
Sheldon: Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
George Sr.: You're shaking his hand!
Sheldon: Okay!

Gary: I believe we have to look to gravity and its magnitude...
Adult Sheldon: I was really doing my best to hold it together.
Gary: ...could be a repulsive force if you just add negative mass.
Adult Sheldon: I smiled and nodded like my meemaw's Houston Oilers bobblehead.
Gary: And I also discovered a way that we could predict the masses of all the known particles using the Egyptian pyramids.
Adult Sheldon: In physics, there's a phenomenon known as supercritical assembly. If you bring enough material together in one place...
Gary: The trick is numerology.
Adult Sheldon: ...in the right configuration, eventually, it will explode.
Gary: This is fun. Not a lot of people I can talk to scientist-to-scientist.
Sheldon: We're not talking scientist-to-scientist. You're not a scientist. You're just a rich man that no one will be honest to because everyone wants your money.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, don't listen to him. I mean, he's just a kid. Why don't you tell me a little more about your pyramid thingy? Huh?

Dr. Linkletter: Son, lab assistants are usually upperclassmen.
Sheldon: I believe I've been at this university long enough to be considered.
Dr. Linkletter: You've been here two weeks.
Sheldon: Hey, 15 days if you count orientation.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, there's a waitlist of students who've applied for that position. I just can't give you special treatment.
Sheldon: Not with that attitude.
Dr. Linkletter: Tell you what, I'll think about it.
Sheldon: Should I come back or should I wait?
Dr. Linkletter: Come back.
Sheldon: I'll wait.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought about it. No.

Meemaw: It's his lab, Sheldon. He can do what he wants.
Sheldon: I've got it. Dr. Linkletter likes you. You go on a date with him and when he tries to kiss you, say you'll do it, but only if he gives me the job.
Meemaw: I'm gonna ask you to think hard about what you just said.
Sheldon: What? I want something, he wants something... seems like a win-win.
Meemaw: Not for me.
Sheldon: You get a free dinner. Make him take you someplace nice. Ooh, maybe Sizzler.
Meemaw: Sheldon.

Adult Sheldon: Since my meemaw was being stingy with her love, I had to find another way to change Dr. Linkletter's mind. I decided to treat this like a science experiment... test various methods of persuasion to determine which was the most effective.
[title: "Peer Pressure"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at the water fountain:]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I was talking to the other physics professors and they think you having an 11-year-old lab assistant would be neat.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Don't you want your peers to think you're cool?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: I would.
Dr. Linkletter: No.

[title: "Bribery"; Sheldon goes to see Linkletter in his office]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: If you look in your drawer, you'll find a little something. I hope you like peanut butter cookies.
Dr. Linkletter: This isn't going to change my mind.
Sheldon: You sure?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: Then give them back, they're my favorite.

[title: "Begging"; Sheldon follows Dr. Linkletter down the hall]
Sheldon: Say yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: HIja.
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: That's "yes" in Klingon.
Dr. Linkletter: How do you say "no" in Klingon?
Sheldon: Qo'.
Dr. Linkletter: Qo'!
Sheldon: Aw.

[title: "Besmirching the competition"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at a vending machine]
Sheldon: I overheard some of your other candidates talking about marijuana.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't care.
Sheldon: Well, you should. I think they plan on smoking it.

[title: "Flattery"; Sheldon is in Linkletter's office again]
Sheldon: You know what?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I was just admiring your posture. You're not all hunched over like most people your age.
[Dr. Linkletter points to the door for Sheldon to leave]

Sheldon: How may I assist you today?
Dr. Linkletter: Follow me.
Sheldon: Should I look over your notes? Would you like me to double-check your math?
Dr. Linkletter: See these bolts? Scrub the grease off.
Sheldon: But there's hundreds of them.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. That's where you come in.
Sheldon: Surely there's a better use of my intellect.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, we're building a solar neutrino detector. If you don't want the job, there's the door.
Sheldon: No, I want it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: [sighs] Although that door does look tempting.

Sheldon: Here you go. 473 grease-free bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
Sheldon: Now what? How about I help you design an even better solar neutrino detector?
Dr. Linkletter: Actually, what I need you to do is... take this grease and put it on these bolts.
Sheldon: But I just took the grease off the bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: That was the wrong grease. This is the right grease. Have at it.
Sheldon: If this is some kind of test to get me to quit, it's not going to work.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't know what you were expecting, but this is a menial job. After this, I need you to sort a crate of resistors, strip a case of wire and then sweep up.
Sheldon: Oh. Then I quit.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, Dr. Linkletter ran his experiment. I'm proud to say I never broke my word, and he eventually figured out the problem. [flames wooshing]
Dr. Linkletter: Fire! Fire! Fire! Was it too much oxygen in the reagents?
Sheldon: See? You didn't need my help after all.

Adult Sheldon: After a few short weeks as a full-time college student, I am proud to say the transition had gone quite nicely. My classes were going well, I knew my way around campus and I had an active and vibrant social life.
Sheldon: There you are.
Dr. Linkletter: Why are you here?
Sheldon: Lunch. Don't worry, I didn't start without you.
Dr. Linkletter: How did you get in?
Sheldon: Janitor Jim.
Dr. Linkletter: And why would Janitor Jim do that?
Sheldon: You're not my only friend around here.

Sheldon: I'll trade you my apple slices for your pudding cup.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Aren't you a little old for a pudding cup?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, surely there's somebody else you could have lunch with.
Sheldon: There is, but the lunch rush is a busy time for janitors.
Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps you could work on widening your social circles here.
Sheldon: I'm already at two. That's double where I was at high school.

Sheldon: Hello, lunch friend.
Dr. Linkletter: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Egg salad. Stinky.
Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I have some bad news. I'm going to join a club on campus, which means we won't be able to have lunch together.
Dr. Linkletter: Wonderful! For you. Sad for me. Mmm. Happy trails.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we're still having lunch today. You get to help me decide which club I should join.
Dr. Linkletter: Terrific.

Adult Sheldon: For some reason, Dr. Linkletter felt it was important that I start my quest to join a club immediately. The interview process was tougher than you'd expect.
[title: Chess Club:]
Sheldon: So why exactly should I join your club?
Chris: Well, cool people, good chess players, and when the weather's nice, we meet in the quad.
Sheldon: Outside?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Under trees?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Where birds live?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: I think we're done here.

[title: Debate Club:]
Sheldon: Proposition: the newest member of the Debate Club should be Sheldon Cooper. You're the affirmative. Go.
Ashley: Who's Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Me. And I believe I should not join the debate team because there are far more valuable uses of my time.
Ashley: Do you want to join or not?
Sheldon: That's the debate, isn't it?
Ashley: I don't know what's happening.
Sheldon: If you're thrown for a loop, wait until you hear my rebuttal. Sheldon Cooper should not join the debate team because your leadership is clearly questionable.
Ashley: Okay, you're not in the club.
Sheldon: Ha! I win. Wait.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, why are you at my desk?
Sheldon: I like your keyboard. The ones at the library are too clacky.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought you were going to join a club.
Sheldon: I tried, but they each had their own problems.
Dr. Linkletter: By chance, were any of those problems you?
Sheldon: You're so funny. I missed this.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I set out to start my own club. It involved science, education and all the glitz and glamour of show business. All I had to do was sit back and wait for my new Proton posse to come rolling in.
Sheldon: Greetings, fellow Professor Proton fan.
Guy: Oh, I thought this room was empty.
Sheldon: Well, it's not. This is a meeting of the Professor Proton Appreciation Club. Would you like to fill out an application?
Guy: I'm just looking for someplace quiet.
Sheldon: I understand. Well, it doesn't look like anyone's gonna show up, so if you would like to read here, you're welcome to.
Guy: Okay. [sits down]
Sheldon: I was only starting this club because my mother wanted me to make some friends. Not just her. It started with my physics professor, Dr. Linkletter, who I thought was my friend but then decided...
Guy: Are you gonna keep talking?
Sheldon: I-I've got a book.
Adult Sheldon: That day, the Read in Silence Club was born. Its members were me and my new friend...
Sheldon: What's your name?
Guy: Shh.
Adult Sheldon: And my new friend, that guy.

Adult Sheldon: My role as Dr. Linkletter's lab assistant was progressing nicely. I had mastered operating the manual particle collector, aka a broom. I may not always recognize sarcasm, but I sure know how to use it.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I've hit a bit of a roadblock with the solar neutrino detector. Why don't you come have a look?
Sheldon: Are you saying you would like me to take part in your experiment?
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I think a fresh set of eyes might be helpful.
Sheldon: Because my previous observations proved correct?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: And had you listened to me, the lab wouldn't have caught fire?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: So just to be clear, at the tender age of 11, I'll be officially participating in an academic study.
Dr. Linkletter: Will you do it or not?
Sheldon: Absolutely. [hands Dr. Linkletter the broom] Here you go.
Dr. Linkletter: What am I supposed to do with this?
Sheldon: Well, if you can't figure that out, no wonder you need my help.