Norman: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Hello. Welcome to the Lone Star Train Museum. I'm Docent Sheldon Cooper. If you have any questions... [taps "Ask Me" badge]
Norman: You know where the bathroom is?
Sheldon: Indeed I do. You'll want to chug along past our authentic Southern Pacific Sunset limited whistle, then keep going past our conductor's uniform, which was worn on the Texas and Pacific Railway. Then you'll come upon...
Norman: Son, I have to take a leak.
Sheldon: It's in the back.
Norman: Thank you.
Sheldon: And our toilets flush, unlike the ones on trains before 1889.

Sheldon: This is a genuine locomotive bell from Texas and New Orleans number 701. Now there's a proper technique to make the purest sound. Most people don't know how to do that. But you're in luck, because I do. [bell ringing]

Lawrence: You want to know more about the Cotton Belt, there's plenty in here.
Sheldon: Although the facts in that brochure are suspect.
Lawrence: [chuckles] Sheldon, I, uh... I wrote this brochure.
Sheldon: While the origins of the Southern Pacific go back to 1848, the company wasn't formally started until 1865.
Sheldon: And before you reprint these, we should talk fonts.

Sheldon: And early trains used the drop chute toilet, also called the hopper toilet, which was really just a hole...

Sheldon: [bell ringing]
Lawrence: Uh... we need to talk.
Sheldon: About this bell? You got it. Did you know different engineers would often...
Lawrence: [stops bell] Son? You're a sweet kid, but... I don't think this is working out.
Sheldon: What? Why? I-I know everything there is to know about trains.
Lawrence: Well, yeah, you see now, that there is the problem. People, when they come here, they want to enjoy it. They don't want to get lectured in the bathroom. And you have been correcting me in front of the visitors all morning long.
Sheldon: Would you prefer I send you a memo of your mistakes at the end of the day?
Lawrence: No.
Sheldon: Because that's what I did for the teachers at my school. I think it brought us all closer.
Lawrence: Sheldon, it's great to have knowledge. But you don't need to show it off all the time.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind.
Lawrence: [chuckles] You see, trains are all about balance, right? Now you put too much water into a steam engine, it can't do its job. You let that water run low... Boom, it'll blow up. Now, a good engineer makes sure he uses just the right amount of water. Not too little, not too much. That make sense?
Sheldon: The fireman adjusts the water, not the engineer.
[later, as Meemaw drives Sheldon home:]
Sheldon: And then he took my "ask me" button. He didn't even ask me. He just took it.

Meemaw: Everybody gets fired for something eventually.
Sheldon: For being too good at their job?
Meemaw: Well, Moon Pie, sometimes you just get too excited about sharing the facts in your head.
Sheldon: But learning facts is the ant's pants. Which is the Australian derivation of the bee's knees. See, you just learned something. And wasn't that the cat's pajamas?

Sheldon: Dad, you're a football coach. Do you use human growth hormone to enhance the performance of your players?
George Sr.: We lost our last game sixty-three to nine. What do you think?
Sheldon: I think you should look into human growth hormone. And if you do, send some this kid's way.

Sheldon: This is bad.
George Sr.: You're gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: This is the arm I write with. This is the arm I eat with. This is the arm I do the Vulcan salute with. Ow.
George Sr.: It's not too swollen. That's a good sign.
Sheldon: You're not a doctor.
George Sr.: But I see this on the football field all the time.
Sheldon: Football players are meant to be hurt. I'm meant to be cherished.

Dr. Patel: Okay. Looks like you fractured your ulna.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Dr. Patel: Two weeks in a cast, you'll be good as new.
Sheldon: A cast? Don't those get sweaty?
Dr. Patel: Mm-hmm. They can.
Sheldon: And itchy?
Dr. Patel: A little.
Sheldon: Can it get wet?
Dr. Patel: Not supposed to.
Sheldon: Then how am I supposed to take a shower?
Dr. Patel: Well, some people wrap it in a garbage bag.
Sheldon: That's where garbage goes. Did you get a discount doctor because we're poor?

Sheldon: Johannes Diderik van der Waals. Nils Gustaf Dalén. Heike Kamerlingh Onnes.
Missy: What are you going?
Sheldon: Listing Nobel Prize winners in physics.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: To keep me from cracking this cast like a coconut and scratching my skin off.

Adult Sheldon: I took a moment to reflect on my journey of the last two weeks. Such emotional growth was worthy of a majestic bubble beard. Perhaps my sister was right. This was a time I'd want to remember.
Sheldon: Dad, will you sign my cast?
George Sr.: Sure.
Sheldon: And if you have any grammar questions, please ask first.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I got my cast off. In a world where I valued symmetry,
I was relieved to see that both my arms were as pale and skinny as ever. But this Texan had unfinished business to tend to.
Missy: Want me to get you started?
Sheldon: No, I can do it.
Adult Sheldon: And I did do it. I rode my bike without training wheels like an adult. It would take more than a chicken or the threat of a fractured bone to scare me. It would take a brown beast named Scraps. [dog barks]
Sheldon: Aah! Mommy?!
Adult Sheldon: I rode my bike 11 miles that day.
Sheldon: Mommy!

Adult Sheldon: Children everywhere are excited by summer vacation, and I was no exception. Because instead of vacation Bible school with my sister, I was headed to the local library for a fun-filled week of postal delights otherwise known as stamp camp.
Sheldon: In 1989, they released dinosaur stamps.
Missy: No one cares.
Mary: Come on, now. He's excited. And that gets my stamp of approval.
Sheldon: I'm using that. It's going to kill at stamp camp.

Librarian: Oh, sorry. It was canceled.
Sheldon: What? Why?
Librarian: Not enough interest.
Sheldon: Not enough interest in stamps? It's the fastest-growing hobby in people 70 and over according to Reader's Digest.

Paige: So, why are you here? Do you believe in this stuff now?
Sheldon: No. Stamp camp got canceled. Further proof there is no God.

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Biblenauts! [chuckles] Gather round. Now, who's ready to find space for Jesus in our hearts? [silence] I can't hear you!
Sheldon: Perhaps that's because space is a vacuum where sound doesn't travel.
Paige: Nicely done.
Sheldon: You're not the only rebel around here.
Pastor Jeff: I thought he had stamp camp.

Sheldon: I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.
Paige: So can I.
Sheldon: No, you can't.
Paige: Yes, I can. I can even do it in alphabetical order.
Sheldon: Well, I can name them in the order they appear in the Book of Matthew.
[Sheldon and Paige raises their hnads]
Pastor Jeff: Paige, yes.
Paige: Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas. And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic! [chuckles] You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.
Paige: [chuckles] Thank you. I love that psalm. [applause]
Adult Sheldon: You would think winning a Nobel Prize in Physics would make this moment meaningless to me, but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Sheldon: Ask me what the fruits of the Spirit are.
Missy: I'm sure you know them.
Sheldon: Of course I do. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Missy: Then why do I have to ask?
Sheldon: So I can improve my hand-raising technique.
Missy: Fine. What are the fruits of the Spirit? [Sheldon raises his hand] Good. We done?
Sheldon: No, you have to call on me.
Missy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Now ask me to name three wicked women of the Bible.
Missy: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: If it's "Who are three wicked women in the Bible?," then go ahead.

Sheldon: Hello.
Paige: What now?
Sheldon: What now?
Paige: What are you doing?
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Paige: Are you just gonna repeat everything I...
Sheldon: Are you just gonna repeat everything I say?
Paige: I, Sheldon Cooper...
Sheldon: I, Sheldon Cooper...
Paige: ...accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
Sheldon: ...accept Jesus Chr... [grunts]

Adult Sheldon: As long as I can remember, unlocking the mechanisms that govern the physical universe was my greatest passion.
Mary: Whatcha workin' on?
Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.
Adult Sheldon: Hey, even Hawking took a roll through the park once in a while.
Sheldon: I'm working on a new campaign to play with Tam and Billy.
Mary: You know how I feel about that game.
Sheldon: I'm aware, which is why the most wicked thing in it is my sense of humor. [doorbell rings]
Mary: [sighs] I still don't like it. But you are playing with other kids, so I'll take it as a win.
Adult Sheldon: Not just playing with other kids, controlling every aspect of their destiny as their Dungeon Master overlord. I didn't believe in God but I sure loved acting like one.