Sheldon: Meemaw, could you take me to Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sure, maybe later.
Sheldon: Later's a little vague. Could you please be more specific?
Meemaw: When I'm good and ready. How's that?
Sheldon: Better, but I'd really like to nail this down.

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Pastor Jeff: Please be seated. A Pharisee once asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, and do you know what he said? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon, it's a rhetorical question.
Sheldon: Aw.

Sheldon: Or if you're interested, we could play a variant with a new piece I invented.
Paige: That sounds fun. What's the new piece?
Sheldon: A wizard. The wizard cannot be taken, and, at any point, he can teleport and switch places with any other piece.
Paige: Yes, but there's an obvious flaw.
Sheldon: What flaw?
Paige: Well, any time anyone is checkmated, they can simply have the wizard and their king switch places. So the game will never end.
Sheldon: I knew that. You passed my test.

Mary: Okay, Paige, where should we go to get your backpack?
Paige: The Hello Kitty store.
Sheldon: I would help you find it, but this subpar mall map isn't even oriented north.
Missy: Let's go.
Mary: All right, have fun at the Hello Kitty store, and meet me at the fountain in half an hour.
Sheldon: Just to be clear, there are no actual kitties, right?

Adult Sheldon: People often ask why I was so resistant to getting a driver's license. My spotty history with motor vehicles was certainly a factor.
[flashback: Georgie driving Sheldon and Missy to the hospital:]
Sheldon: Please slow down.
George Jr.: I'm going eight miles an hour. A cow just passed us.
Missy: You're gonna hit it!
[flashback: George driving through a car wash with Sheldon:]
Sheldon: Make it stop!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: Do something!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: We're gonna die!
George Sr.: Just a car wash.
[flashback to Sheldon on a go kart:]
Sheldon: Why did I agree to this? I don't care for this at all.

Sheldon: Paige, you're supposed to be doing science with me.
Paige: That's boring. I want to do something dangerous.
Sheldon: This is dangerous. We don't have an eye wash station.

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, Sheldon Cooper. I wanted to let you know I won't be in class today.
Dr. Linkletter: Is everything all right?
Sheldon: Yes, but in the interest of self-preservation, I've decided to avoid traveling in motor vehicles.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sure there's a story behind that.
Sheldon: There is.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't want to hear it.
Sheldon: So, how shall we handle today's class?
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I'm sure you can get notes from another student.
Sheldon: Or you could give the lecture to me right now.
Dr. Linkletter: That's preposterous.
Sheldon: Why? We could be creating a new model of education where students could learn remotely. It could be the wave of the future.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's your responsibility to come to class, not mine to bring the class to you.
Sheldon: My meemaw gets cranky like this when she's hungover. Is that what's happening here?

Mary: So Paige didn't make a good first impression, but that can change. What's that new Star Trek show?
Sheldon: Next Generation?
Mary: When that first came on, you said a new Star Trek without Dr. Spock could never be good, but I've seen you watching it.
Sheldon: Well, first of all, it's Mr. Spock. Dr. Spock writes books about babies.
Mary: My apologies.
Sheldon: And second of all, Paige isn't a TV show. She's a person, and we all know how I feel about people. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Sheldon: Now, since we'll be spending a few hours together, I've created a list of activities to keep us occupied. We'll start with a tour of my room, then board games, and, if time permits, you can look at and not touch my trains.

Meemaw: What's going on here?
Sheldon: Wesley Crusher was just accepted into Starfleet Academy, and for his final mission, he's accompanying Picard on a shuttle mission to Pentarus Five.
Meemaw: No. I mean who's your friend?
Sheldon: Oh, he's not a friend. He's a stranger. I met him on a Star Trek bulletin board. He had a copy of the episode Georgie taped over and brought it here.

Jana: I think I'm gonna go.
George Jr.: Okay.
Sheldon: Hola, senorita. She's in my Spanish class.
Jana: I'll call you later.
Sheldon: Te veo manana en la clase de espanol.
Jana: What?
Sheldon: That means, "See you tomorrow in Spanish class." I was going to ask how you thought you did on Friday's quiz, but I'm guessing the answer is no bueno. Adios.

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter wouldn't give me what I wanted. I couldn't tell on him to his mommy, but I could to his "work mommy."
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon. What can I do for you?
Sheldon: I can't make it to school today, and I'm concerned about the physics class I'm missing.
President Hagemeyer: And how come you're not here?
Sheldon: I was in a car accident with my meemaw.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Sheldon: Well...
[flashback:]
Sheldon: I can't believe you'd use my traumatic experience to manipulate people.
Missy: [echoing] Really? I can.
[present:]
Sheldon: ...and then her car had to get towed away. It was quite a traumatic experience.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, you poor thing. What can I do to help?

Paige: Oh, My Little Pony. I love My Little Pony.
Sheldon: That's my sister's, and it's not part of the tour.
Paige: I share a room with my sister, too. It's super fun.
Sheldon: You're wrong.

Sheldon: Now, over here, we have my desk. This is my computer. That's my mouse. This is my printer. This is the paper that goes in the printer. This is a box of extra paper that also goes in the printer. And this is my signed picture of Professor Proton. Do you watch his show?
Paige: No. I don't really like it.
Sheldon: You don't?
Paige: I think he's boring. And he dumbs everything down.
Adult Sheldon: Come on, Kolinahr, don't fail me now.
Sheldon: [bitterly] And next on the tour, we have a lamp.

Adult Sheldon: Now that I had prevented my dad from saying I made a mistake, it was time to get the IRS to admit theirs.
Malcolm Green: [answers phone] IRS, Agent Green speaking.
Sheldon: Hello, my name is Sheldon Cooper. Forgive me for cutting right to the chase, but I'm outside and my skin is incredibly fair.
Malcolm Green: Okay, how can I help you?
Sheldon: You sent my family a bill saying we owe an additional four dollars and 22 cents, but you're mistaken. I filed a flawless return.
Malcolm Green: I'm sorry, how old are you?
Sheldon: That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11.
Malcolm Green: Your parents let an 11-year-old file their federal tax return?
Sheldon: This year. Two years ago, they let a nine-year-old do it.
Malcolm Green: Look, these tax codes are complicated. If you only made a four dollar mistake, that's pretty impressive.
Sheldon: I didn't make a mistake at all. You did.
Malcolm Green: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. But don't feel bad, these tax codes are complicated.
Malcolm Green: Uh-huh. Okay, I've got your file right here, and, uh, looks like you under-reported your income.
Sheldon: Actually, if you check under charitable donations, you'll notice that the money we made at the garage sale did not count as taxable income because we donated it to the church.
Malcolm Green: Well, I'll, uh, I'll have a look into that.
Sheldon: In the future, you might consider doing that before you send out the letter. So how does this work? Do you apologize now, do I get it in writing?

Sheldon: Dad, I reviewed the tax return and I was right. They're the ones who made the mistake. Uh... What are you doing?
George Sr.: Writing a check to the IRS.
Sheldon: But we don't owe them anything. They're claiming that I under-reported our income, but I can prove that they're wrong.
George Sr.: It's not worth picking a fight with them over a few bucks.
Sheldon: Just let me call them, I can sort this out.
George Sr.: Just drop it, we don't want to get on their radar.
Sheldon: But if you send that check, it's like admitting I made a mistake when I didn't.
George Sr.: Sheldon, sometimes being right isn't the most important thing.
Sheldon: I'm glad you feel that way, because, boy, are you wrong.
George Sr.: We're done talking about this.
Adult Sheldon: And there he goes, wrong again.

Sheldon: I'm being forced to swim tomorrow in P.E.
Missy: Poor baby. You have to play in a pool instead of sit in a classroom.
Sheldon: A pool of sweat, germs and dead skin cells.
Missy: Still better than learning.
Sheldon: Maybe it's time for me to run away from home and join a traveling math club.

George Sr.: IRS? This can't be good.
Sheldon: Sure it can.
George Sr.: When is the IRS ever good?
Sheldon: Perhaps they're writing to congratulate me on filing such a beautiful tax return.

Sheldon: Oh, you better pull over.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God.
Sheldon: Well, don't just sit there follow it.
George Jr.: Why?
Sheldon: It's an ambulance It's going to the hospital.