Sheldon: I don't say this often, but that may have been the perfect safety lecture.

Sheldon: That's okay. I'm a self-tucker.

Meemaw: But how many of 'em are gonna be scientists?
Sheldon: I know.

Sheldon: President Cooper. That's serendipitous.

Sheldon: Georgie, I hate to have to ask this, but are you going to vote for me?
George Jr.: No. Go away.
Sheldon: Are you sure? If I win, I can make you a hall monitor. Imagine the respect you'll get then.
George Jr.: Get lost.

George Sr.: So, Veronica, I understand that you're a junior?
Veronica: Mm. Yes, sir.
Mary: Do you have any plans for after high school?
Veronica: I'm hoping for a scholarship to Baylor so I can get a teaching degree.
Mary: Mm.
Veronica: I like kids. [CHUCKLES]
Sheldon: Really? Kids? Ugh.

Veronica: What do you want to know?
Sheldon: Your mom has a boyfriend.
Veronica: Yeah.
Sheldon: Where is your father?
Veronica: I don't know.
Sheldon: Why do you not know?
Veronica: Well, he left when I was really young and I never heard from him again.
Sheldon: And why are you staying here?
Veronica: My mom's boyfriend isn't very nice.
Sheldon: I understand. My sister isn't very nice.
Veronica: [CHUCKLES] So you get it?
Sheldon: I do, thank you.
Veronica: Okay, well, talk to you later.
Sheldon: But not between 7:00 and 7:12.
Veronica: Yup, I see it right here.

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: "Mom" is also a palindrome. M-O-M.

Missy: I'm liking my crock monster.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mmm. Me, too.
Sheldon: I can't taste anything after the lemon water.

Sheldon: These people clearly don't know what ten percent means.
Missy: What are you talking about? This is the list of all the people who belong to the church and how much money they donate. Dorothy and Fred Nelson gave a dollar last week.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: They own the Piggly Wiggly. They can afford to give much more.

Sheldon: Do you have any books on mental health?
Ms. Hutchins: Sure. Why?
Sheldon: I believe my mother is unraveling.

Meemaw: [to Dr. Linkletter] Can I speak to you for a moment? [to Sheldon] The grown-ups need to talk.
Sheldon: That wasn't made clear.

Meemaw: What, exactly did you say to Dr. Linkletter?
Sheldon: [quietly] I said Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm speaking quietly because I'm calling from the library. [normally] And he said-
Meemaw: Get to the point.
Sheldon: He's not using me to spend time with you. He said so. You're wrong.
Meemaw: You had no business calling him, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You seem upset. Are you embarrassed because you were wrong?
Meemaw: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? I would be.
Meemaw: I'm not wrong. He's lying to you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Interesting. I don't know who to believe.
Meemaw: Really? You're gonna believe some guy you barely know over your own grandmother?
Sheldon: Well, one of them said I'm really smart, and one of them's yelling at me right now.

Meemaw: We're done talking about this. And I'm not taking you to that lecture!
Sheldon: But I really want to go.
Meemaw: Too bad!
Sheldon: You are incredibly selfish.
Meemaw: Excuse me?
Sheldon: You just care about what you want. You don't care about what I want. You're selfish. How come your eyes stopped blinking?

Mary: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Sheldon: Yes. I really wanted to go to this lecture, and I understand that I upset Meemaw very much. So which one of you will be taking me?
Mary: No one's taking you.
George Sr.: You're not going, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You two are even more selfish than Meemaw.
[cut to Sheldon in his bedroom:]
Missy: How long you grounded for?
Sheldon: A month.
Missy: That sounds right.

Clara: So how old is this professor friend of yours?
Sheldon: 73 and a half.
Clara: And why are you going to see him?
Sheldon: Because everything made sense before he went away, and now no one's on my side.
Clara: So you think only a person in a mental hospital can understand you?
Sheldon: Correct.
Clara: That's the first thing you've said that sounds right.

Mary: Baby, what are you doing?
Sheldon: Working.
Mary: Have you been out here all night?
Sheldon: No. Why, what time is it?
Mary: 7:30.
Sheldon: Oh. Then yes.

Meemaw: Come on, Sheldon. Let's get that blood pumping.
Sheldon: I'd rather not.
Meemaw: Do it. A little exercise will help get your head out of your butt. ... What do you think?
Sheldon: I think I hate this.
Meemaw: Well, you're not thinking about science now, am I right?
Sheldon: I'm thinking about how miserable I am.

Sheldon: [as Gollum] We're never going to figures it out.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We can, we're smarts. We're so smarts. Our brains is precious.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] If our brains is precious, we're wasting it on hobbitses. We like sciences.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We took a break from sciences. It was making us crazy.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] And look at us now. Look at what those nasty hobbitses have done to us.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] No, it was physicses. Physicses did this to us.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] Physicses.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [in bed] Ow!
Missy: I warned you.

Sheldon: Meemaw and Dr. Sturgis are out front. They're walking up the path. They see me. I'm waving. They waved back. They're close to the door. Even closer. Almost there. Door... [doorbell rings] Bell!