Pastor Jeff: Get this. I drove past the Methodist church and you know what the sign out front said?
Mary: What?
Pastor Jeff: "Friendship, pirate ship, try the best ship... worship."
Mary: Clever.
Pastor Jeff: That was our sign last year! I wrote that!
Mary: Isn't the most important thing that it might get more people to go to church?
Pastor Jeff: But whoever did it has the sin of stealing on their soul now, so at least there's that.
Mary: There you go.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]

Pastor Jeff: Okay, now our next baptism is for Sheldon Lee Cooper, our soon-to-be brother in Christ. And, personally, this is a big get for me.

Georgie: Remember, the smart cheater gets some answers wrong.

Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps we could create some sort of a cocoon to suspend it.
Sheldon: Out of wire?
Dr. Linkletter: Or nylon. But I wouldn't know how to weave it around a sphere.
Meemaw: I'm not a genius, but it sounds to me like what y'all are talking about is, uh, crochet.
Dr. Linkletter: I suppose we are.
Meemaw: Because with crochet, you can make all kinds of shapes.
Dr. Linkletter: Intriguing.
Meemaw: Hell, I even crocheted a cover for Jolene.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Meemaw: That's my bowling ball.
Sheldon: She likes to name inanimate objects... it's odd.
Dr. Linkletter: Or whimsically charming.

Dr. Linkletter: So, the problem that I'm running into is I can't get the inner sphere to remain suspended in the buffer liquid.
Sheldon: Have you tried wrapping the sphere in copper wire?
Dr. Linkletter: I did, but it just slips out.
Sheldon: Perhaps we could suspend it in some sort of sleeve.
Dr. Linkletter: That would prevent light from getting through.
Sheldon: Hmm. [strokes chin] I wonder if my thinking would be more effective if I had a beard to stroke. It's one of the few aspects of puberty I'm looking forward to.