Mary: And don't worry about a thing here.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Peg: Oh, sure, we can handle the food drive, the bulletins...
Mary: And if you're not feeling up to it, I could even give the sermon on Sunday.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure I'll be fine by Sunday.
Mary: You don't have to decide right now.
Pastor Jeff: I'll do the sermon.
Mary: We'll play it by ear.
Peg: Take a hint, sister.

Mary: Come in.
George Jr.: I figured you didn't eat. I made you some soup.
Mary: Oh, thank you. But you didn't have to do that. Everything's fine.
George Jr.: I ain't a kid. You don't gotta lie to me.
Mary: [sighs] Okay. Honestly, I'm upset with your father. And I'm upset with myself.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause... he's right. Maybe I do think I know best, and I can be critical. But thank you for making me soup.
George Jr.: You're welcome.
Mary: Did you put water in this?
George Jr.: Was I supposed to?
Mary: It's fine.

Mary: Brenda. Have you heard anything?
Brenda Sparks: Not yet.
Mary: Oh, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Um, I- I ran into George at the bar, and... next thing I know, he started having chest pains.
Mary: [sighs] Well, thank the Lord you were there with him.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I really didn't do anything.
Mary: Don't say that! Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't been there?
Brenda Sparks: [chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.

Brenda Sparks: Yeah, um... Yeah, I'm gonna get out of here. You go see George.
Mary: What? No! You might have saved his life. He's gonna want to thank you.
Brenda Sparks: You know, that's nice, but I think it's best if...
Mary: Brenda, I insist.
Brenda Sparks: Okay.
Mary: Okay. Come on.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, we're gonna revisit getting me some help with Sunday school.
Mary: I am ready, willing, and...
Pastor Jeff: Nope. I want someone who can really connect with the kids.
Mary: But connecting with the kids is what I do.
Peg: What planet are you on?
[flashback:]
Mary: I'm Miss Mary, and I'll be your Sunday school teacher. [as sock puppet] Oh, no, you won't. I will. Slithers, that is a lie. And what's another name for a lie? [hissing] A s-s-sin.
[present:]
Peg: Boy did that s-s-suck.

Pastor Jeff: I drew up a list of interview questions we can ask the pastors.
Mary: [clicks tongue] But these are all softballs. Shouldn't we dig a little deeper?
Pastor Jeff: Are you kidding me? "Who's your favorite apostle and why" is gonna have them squirming in their seat.
Mary: Oh, please, there are 11 good answers and one bad one.

Mary: I don't care what you believe. You are going to church tomorrow.
Missy: I don't want to.
Sheldon: It might be fun. The new youth pastor's starting.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: We can attack his belief system together. Like the Wonder Twins of atheism.
Mary: See? Your brother's excited.
Missy: You just want the new guy to have a bad day.
Mary: I can want two things.

George Sr.: She really took his side?
Mary: I don't want to talk about that.
Meemaw: I thought you two had date night.
Mary: I don't want to talk about that, either.
Sheldon: Why isn't Georgie eating with us?
George Sr.: Let's talk about anything else.

Missy: If Georgie's kicked out, can I have his room?
Mary: We are not kicking Georgie out.
George Sr.: You want to start this up again? Or can we just be mad at your mom and Dale?
Sheldon: And Georgie.
George Sr.: Thank you. And Georgie.
Mary: Let's just eat.

Mary: [enters] Hey. Dinner's ready.
Sheldon: I'll eat later. I have to finish this.
Mary: I made spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it. I even made sure that every piece is the exact same size.
Sheldon: Some things are more important than the width of a hot dog slice.
Mary: And I wish I'd known that sooner.

Pastor Rob: Actually, this is great. You can tell the kids how you waited till marriage. I think it'll be really powerful for them to hear your story.
Mary: Uh-huh, right, right. Right.
Pastor Rob: Something seems not right.
Mary: Um, it's just, um... [chuckles] I didn't wait all the way until marriage.
Pastor Rob: Hey, none of my business.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Rob: But I appreciate the honesty. [silence] Well, this just got a little awkward.
Mary: Yup. Yeah. [laughs]
Pastor Rob: All right, have a good one.
Mary: Okay. Oh... [stammers]

[dream sequence:]
Mary: Why are you in my bed?
Pastor Rob: Why are you?
Mary: This is wrong.
Pastor Rob: Does it feel wrong?
Mary: No.
Pastor Rob: Mary Cooper, I want to sex you up.
Mary: I would like that very much.
[Mary gasps as she wakes up]
George Sr.: Everything okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just, um... I had a weird dream.
George Sr.: Must've been a doozy. You're all sweaty.

Mary: It is not okay. You are quitting right now.
George Jr.: Why would I do that?
Mary: Because I am your mother, and it is wrong.
George Jr.: Well, I'm working for your mother, and she says it's okay.
Mary: And I answer to a higher power, and He says it's also wrong, so I win, let's go.
George Jr.: Mom, please don't make a big deal out of this.
Mary: Oh, so there is an illegal gambling room in the back, and it's no big deal?
Florence: There's a gambling room back there?
Mary: And there is a church two blocks down, so maybe try that.

Sheldon: It's recently come to my attention that everybody lies and you can't believe a thing that comes out of anyone's mouth.
Mary: I don't think everybody lies. You don't lie.
Sheldon: No, but perhaps to get by in the world it's a skill I should cultivate.
Mary: I hope you don't. I love your honesty.
Sheldon: I want to believe you.
Mary: [scoffs] You should, because I'm your mother and I would never lie to you.
Sheldon: I would never lie to you, either.
Mary: So, I guess not everybody lies.
Sheldon: I heard what you said in your prayer, and I don't think you're failing as a mother.
Mary: Thank you. I think you're a pretty great son yourself.
Sheldon: I know I'm difficult.
Mary: There is not a single thing about you I would change.
Adult Sheldon: My mom promised she would never lie to me. And she never did.
Mary: [softly to the heavens] I'm sorry.

Mary: Hey, where you been?
George Sr.: Ah, Brenda was having car trouble. Just giving her hand.
Mary: That's nice. I'm sure it's hard being by herself.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah. That whole house is in need of repair.
Mary: I hope you offered to help her out.
George Sr.: I did... she said no.
Mary: Well, that's just her being proud. Of course she wants your help.
George Sr.: [stammers] I guess some time I'll pop over.
Mary: Good. And when you go, hitch up your pants. There's a lot going on when you squat.

Pastor Rob: Question. Y'all ever had a youth lock-in?
Mary: Oh. No. Whenever we talk about it, Pastor Jeff shoots it down.
Pastor Rob: Why? Kids love sleepovers. Doing it here shows them church can be fun.
Mary: I don't know. The Methodists did it last year. They're still cleaning up Silly String.

Pastor Rob: Hey, you want to chaperone with me?
Mary: Oh. Uh... I don't know.
Pastor Rob: Come on. We'll pull an all-nighter. It'll be fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, Mary. Don't be such a lame-o. [Rob chuckles]
Mary: I'm not a lame-o. I'm a fun-o.
Pastor Jeff: So you're in?
Mary: You betcha.
Pastor Rob: All right. Fun-o is in. We got ourselves a lock-in to plan.

Pastor Rob: Wow. Were all these cigarettes taken from the kids?
Mary: Oh, no, those are Peg's. She's got them stashed everywhere.
Pastor Rob: [sniffs] Takes me back.
Mary: You were a smoker?
Pastor Rob: In college. You know, I was trying to look older.
Mary: Oh. Did it work?
Pastor Rob: [laughs] Imagine the Gerber Baby puffing on a Marlboro Light. [Mary laughs] I'm glad I quit, though. It's a disgusting habit.
Mary: Oh, it is.
Pastor Rob: Yeah.
Mary: I do miss it sometimes, though.
Pastor Rob: Interesting.

Mary: It was a long time ago.
Pastor Rob: How long?
Mary: Not that long. [chuckles]
Pastor Rob: Okay, I got a confession to make. Me, too.
Mary: [gasps softly] When?
Pastor Rob: Well, when I first started this job.
Mary: Oh!
Pastor Rob: Yeah, I was pretty stressed-out.
Mary: [chuckles] You wouldn't have known it.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Thank you. When was your last one?
Mary: Wednesday.
Pastor Rob: Wow.
Mary: I was having a hard time with the kids.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] You know, there's lighters in here, too.

Mary: This is wrong, right?
Pastor Rob: You mean how much we're enjoying it?
Mary: Yes. [both laugh]
Pastor Rob: Well, that's the nice thing about being Christian. We can always ask for forgiveness.
Mary: You have to really mean it.
Pastor Rob: Trust me, when I wake up with this taste in my mouth, I'll mean it. [chuckles]
Mary: I guess it reminds me of being young.
Pastor Rob: Hmm. [Mary chuckles] You remember your first cigarette?
Mary: Eighth grade. I snuck it out of my mom's purse. [chuckles] Ugh, menthol.
Pastor Rob: Ooh. [both chuckle]