[dream sequence:]
Mary: What the heck?
Reflection Mary: [in mirror] You think you can just wash me away?
Mary: Yes, I used the gentle cleansing cream formula one with special emollients.
Reflection Mary: Exploiting your Bible study group, that was just the beginning.
Mary: I wouldn't say I exploited them.
Reflection Mary: Good, don't. It'll be our little secret. [Mary scoffs] Now, where are we with Missy?
Mary: You leave Missy alone.
Reflection Missy: [in mirror] Mom, help. I can't get out.
Mary: Missy!
Reflection Mr. Lundy: [in cabinet] Why are you sleeping?! You should be selling!
[Mary wakes up in bed]
Adult Sheldon: My mother never sold makeup again. And as Mr. Lundy predicted, Missy got her makeup from her friends.
Missy: My eye feels oozy.
Mary: What's the matter, baby? Oh.

Missy: All my friends dress like this.
Mary: Arms by your sides. I want to measure. [Missy sighs] See? It's shorter than your fingertips.
Meemaw: What the hell is happening?
Missy: She wants to ruin my life.
Mary: The school dress code says that all bottoms must extend past the fingertips.
Missy: It's close enough, and they don't even check.
Mary: Well, I am not wasting good money on something that you can't wear to school.
Missy: Then I'll wear it on weekends.
Mary: Go try on something else.

Mary: $20 on pump four, please.
Hal: You got it. Here you go.
Mary: What's this?
Hal: Promotion for the new lottery. Every ten gallons, you get a free scratcher.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe in gambling.
Hal: Great, I'll take it.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe you should be gambling, either.
Hal: So, you don't want it?
Mary: No.
Hal: Then I'm scratching it.
Mary: Sorry. Not on my watch. You can thank me in heaven.

Mary: [praying] Dear Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have finished that scratcher. That was wrong. But now that I have the money, my family could really use it. I know. Gambling is a sin. Although, I didn't buy the scratcher, so is that even gambling?
George Sr.: Why is Missy saying we're rich?

George Sr.: This is yours. And if you don't feel right spending it, then you should do whatever you want with it.
Mary: Thank you. You know, I've been thinking that maybe it isn't the end of the world if we spend it on something fun.
George Sr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah, something the family could enjoy.
George Sr.: Well... we haven't been on vacation in a long time.
Mary: Oh... Oh. [gasps] We could go to Houston, see the Ice Capades.
George Sr.: Let's keep thinking.

Mandy: I can't believe you lied to me.
George Jr.: Only 'cause I like you.
Mandy: Get out.
George Jr.: Come on, I'm the same guy I was five minutes ago.
Mandy: Yeah, a liar.
George Jr.: You lied to me about your age.
Mandy: Yeah, and then I felt really bad about it, and I told you the truth.
George Jr.: 'Cause you're more mature than me.
Mandy: Go.
George Jr.: Can I at least put on my shoes?
Mandy: No.

Mary: Oh, so, what do we do now?
George Sr.: We don't have a lot of choices. We're gonna be grandparents and, uh... [Mary sighs] What's the girl's name again?
Mary: Mandy.
George Sr.: And Mandy is gonna be part of our lives in some shape or form until we're, you know, dead.
Mary: What do you mean, "shape or form"? Georgie's gotta marry her.
George Sr.: No, Mary, he doesn't.
Mary: How am I supposed to set foot in my church if our son has a child out of wedlock?
George Sr.: It's nobody's business.
Mary: It's a small town, George, everything is everybody's business.

George Sr.: You ever stop to think maybe she doesn't want to marry a 17-year-old?
Mary: He'll be 18 in March.
George Sr.: All right, you're just being ridiculous. [goes back inside]
Mary: I'm being a Christian.
[After Mary walks over and knocks on the garage door, a dozy Georgie opens it]
Mary: When you were born, you were a gift from God but that does not change the fact that I am very mad at you!
George Jr.: All right. [closes door]

Mary: Can I tell you something in confidence?
Pastor Rob: Of course.
Mary: Um, my son... ...got a girl pregnant.
Pastor Rob: Whoa. Safe to assume this was a surprise?
Mary: [chuckles] Oh, yeah.
Pastor Rob: And safe to assume it's not Sheldon?
Mary: [laughs] Also yes.

Mary: Oh! [coughs] Uh, Pastor Rob.
Pastor Rob: [short chuckle] You okay?
Mary: Um... swallowed a Tic Tac. [coughs]
Pastor Rob: Well, I can barely smell the smoke at all.

Mary: I just can't believe the church turned its back on us.
Pastor Rob: The church may have, but God didn't.
Mary: [sighs] I don't feel His presence right now.
Pastor Rob: Well, let's invite Him to join us.
Mary: Oh, ok-okay. [they hold hands]
Pastor Rob: Heavenly Father, we ask for Your guidance in these troubled times. Please, watch over Mary Cooper and her family, let her know that though this unborn child is out of wedlock, he or she is a miracle in Your creation and should be celebrated as such. Amen.
Mary: Amen.
Missy: [through the window] What's going on here?
Mary: Uh, uh, praying, we're praying. [lets go of Rob's hands]
Pastor Rob: Just praying.

Mary: Yeah, we could sit here and sulk or we can find jobs. Now, pick up that pen and start circling.
George Sr.: All right. Let's see what we have here.
Mary: Here's one. Oh. College degree required.
George Sr.: Hmm. Eh... I can't type.
Mary: I can.
George Sr.: 90 words a minute?
Mary: Let's keep looking. In fact, I bet I find a job faster than you can.
George Sr.: We'll see about that.

Mary: Hey, good news. I was picking up some groceries at Davidson's. They're hiring.
George Sr.: Yeah, well, good for you.
Mary: I got an application for you, too.
George Sr.: I'm not working at a supermarket, Mary.
Mary: Why not?
George Sr.: 'Cause I was head coach of the high school football team. I'm not bagging people's groceries.
Mary: It's an honest job, George.
George Sr.: It's embarrassing.
Mary: It's embarrassing to provide for your family?
George Sr.: It's embarrassing that I busted my ass all these years, and this is where I am.
Mary: I'm right there with you. I lost my job, too.
George Sr.: Yeah, it's exactly the same.
Mary: You know what you are? I'm not gonna say it, but you know.

Mary: I know you don't want to talk, and that's fine. You can just listen. Life is hard enough if you make good decisions, but if you make bad ones, it gets even harder.
George Jr.: Nothin' was gonna happen with Jana.
Mary: Georgie-
George Jr.: No! You always assume the worst with me. I'm sorry you were a perfect kid and I'm just a screwup.
Mary: You are not a screwup. And I was not a perfect kid.
George Jr.: Oh, what'd you do, sleep through church one mornin'?
Mary: For your information I used to skip class so that I could drink beer in my boyfriend's truck.
George Jr.: Dad had a truck back then?
Mary: Not talkin' about your dad.
Mary: I also stole your meemaw's car and crashed it into a ditch.
George Jr.: Really? With that boyfriend who wasn't Dad?
Mary: Missin' the point!

Mary: I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about my mother. She keeps betting on these football games, next thing you know, there's an Italian fella driving off with her pickup truck.

Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Sheldon: Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Mary: Oh, is that right? Well, guess what. I don't care. [to Glenn] And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.
Glenn: I doubt that.

Mary: Hey, have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?
George Sr.: Uh, no, no, no. Can't say that I have. Why?
Mary: He's been awful quiet, and, at the risk of being indelicate, he's gone several days without a bowel movement.
George Sr.: How do you know that?
Mary: Well, I was worried about him, so I took a look in his potty journal.
George Sr.: He's still keeping that thing, huh?
Mary: Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted the Polaroid camera.

George Sr.: So, Sheldon, Missy, we got some exciting news.
Sheldon: Georgie took a bath?
George Jr.: No. And how come I don't get exciting news?
George Sr.: This isn't about you.
Mary: But after dinner, why don't you go rinse off?

Mary: Good gravy, she's sad, Sheldon, come on!