George Sr.: Ooh, is that for your patient?
Mary: Yes. He's still under the weather.
George Sr.: Oh, that's too bad. Running a fever?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Sniffly nose?
Mary: No. But he couldn't even bring himself to watch his Star Trek show.
George Sr.: Oh, dear. I better go call an ambulance.
Mary: You're not funny.
George Sr.: And he ain't sick.

Mary: George, you will not believe what I get to do.
George Sr.: What's that?
Mary: Plan Pastor Jeff's wedding.
George Sr.: Oh, isn't that nice.
Mary: Oh, it's gonna be a lot of work. They want this done by next weekend.
George Sr.: What, he knock her up? [chuckles] Been there.
Mary: No. He is a man of God. He cannot have a physical relationship outside holy matrimony.
George Sr.: Oh, so that's the rush. [chuckles]
Mary: Well, yes, but they also seem very much in love.
George Sr.: Love is great.

George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Door stays open.
George Jr.: Why? We're just listening to music.
George Sr.: My house, my rules. And don't sit on the bed.
George Jr.: Where are we supposed to sit?
George Sr.: Just not on the bed.
George Jr.: Whatever. [to Jana] He's just mad 'cause we're young and he's not.

George Sr.: You know it takes two people to get pregnant, right?
Meemaw: I know that. Does Georgie?
George Sr.: Probably. We got cable now.

George Sr.: Get out there and mow.
George Jr.: Why? I'm making good money. I don't need an allowance, so I don't need to do chores.
George Sr.: It's not about that. You're part of this family, you still need to help out.
George Jr.: So I'm just here to do your bidding?
George Sr.: Well, and people say Sheldon's a genius.

Linda: I mean, I'm thrilled that he's gone, but I do worry about how it's affecting Paige.
Mary: Of course.
Linda: You and George have such a beautiful family. I think it's good for her to be around that right now.
George Sr.: [enters] Oh. Hey. Nice to see you. Sorry about the divorce. I got to go yell at my idiot son. [shouting] Georgie! Where are you?

George Sr.: I can't imagine talking to my dad the way this kid talks to me. I'd have had a belt on my backside so fast...
Coach Wilkins: My dad was a hugger.
George Sr.: I had to tell him three times to mow the lawn, and he still gave me attitude.
Coach Wilkins: He's going to school, holding down a job. If he was my kid, I'd be proud of him.
George Sr.: I am proud of him. When he's not being a total pain in my ass.

George Sr.: Anyway, what I wanted to say is, even though I'm not loving your attitude lately, I think it's great you got this job and y-you're doing so well at it. I'm proud of you.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: That's all you have to say?
George Jr.: Well, maybe if I wasn't sweating my balls off, I could think of something else.
George Sr.: Just stick your head out the window.

George Jr.: If it's about money, I've got money. It can even be a loan if it makes you feel better.
George Sr.: Don't you dare.
George Jr.: You said you're proud of my job. I don't think you are.
George Sr.: You know what? Forget lunch. Let's just go home.
George Jr.: Smart. Save some money for your truck.
George Sr.: That's it. You're walking.

George Jr.: Suddenly, camping with Dr. Sturgis doesn't seem so bad.
Meemaw: Uh, excuse me camping with who?
George Sr.: Whoa. Dale didn't mention it?
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: I'm guessing John didn't mention it.
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Meemaw: And when were you gonna mention it?
George Sr.: Oh, I was never gonna mention it.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm here because my friend George invited me.
Dale: Uh-huh. Well, your friend George invited you because he felt sorry for you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Connie warned me you might behave like this, and she-she was right.
Dale: I don't know why the hell she ever went out with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, she did, and we got along famously.
Dale: Until you broke up with her after you got out of...
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of what? Say it!
Dale: Never mind.
George Sr.: Damn. Piddled on my shoe. What'd I miss?

George Jr.: Dad, where's your power drill?
George Sr.: Why?
Sheldon: Our oven doesn't reach 2,000 degrees, so we're going to make a homemade kiln out of a garbage can.
George Sr.: And there go the plums.

Mary: Are you two trying to burn down the house?
Sheldon: No, we're trying to make platinum out of gravel.
George Sr.: You're not building a 2,000-degree oven.
George Jr.: Fine. Just so you know, I was gonna cut you in.
Sheldon: Really? You'll fight for your right to party but not for your right to make a device that'll exceed the melting point of lead?
George Jr.: Shut up.
George Sr.: [to Mary] Ooh, "Why can't you be thankful?"

George Jr.: So now we just wait for the concrete dust to dissolve and the lead to melt?
Sheldon: That's exactly right.
George Jr.: I know. I listen.
Sheldon: And you understand it?
George Jr.: I work in sales. I don't need to know what I'm talking about to make it sound good.
Sheldon: Don't you think it would make you better at your job if you understood the products you were selling?
George Jr.: No. People don't want to hear facts.
Sheldon: I do.
George Jr.: Normal people don't want to hear facts.
Sheldon: I'm normal.
George Jr.: Are you?
Sheldon: No, I'm special.

George Jr.: See ya.
Mary: Where you going?
George Jr.: Out with Jana.
Mary: You've been spending a lot of time with her lately. Is she your girlfriend?
George Jr.: Dad, can you make her stop?
George Sr.: Yeah, I could but I won't. Also, I can't.

Mary: Can you believe this? Boy trophy, boy trophy... boy trophy.
George Sr.: Hmm, all I see is my trophy wife. Nope? Okay.

George Sr.: Hang in there.
Ms. Hutchins: I'm hangin'.
George Sr.: Hey, this will be quite a story to tell your grandkids, huh?
Ms. Hutchins: I live alone. I'm single. I don't think grandkids are in the picture.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, I... I got a wife, kids. It's... It's overrated.

George Jr.: So you just put her in my room without consulting me?
George Sr.: Consulting you? Who cares what you think?
George Jr.: Well, I ain't gonna sleep on the couch.
Mary: It's just for a few nights until she can take care of herself.
George Jr.: Can I at least stay at Meemaw's?
George Sr.: If you promise not to come back.
George Jr.: Why you got to be so mean to me?
George Sr.: It just feels right.

George Sr.: Son of a bitch! Here! Edgar! Or Allan. Whichever the hell one you are.

Sheldon: Unlike my mother, who feels no guilt after hurting her children.
Mary: How dare you. I am trying to keep you safe until such a time as you can make adult decisions.
Sheldon: I can make them now.
George Sr.: Hey, hey. We have a guest. Let's pretend like we like each other. [chuckles] Mare, do your grace thing.