Meemaw: So you think he's seeing somebody else?
George Jr.: I don't think I should be talking about this. He's my boss.
Meemaw: Well, he's my boyfriend, so spill it.
George Jr.: It's weird when old people say "boyfriend".
Meemaw: Fine. My lover.
George Jr.: Well, that's worse.

George Sr.: Just go get your money back and buy a different car.
George Jr.: No.
George Sr.: Georgie, I'm not playing around.
George Jr.: Neither am I. I bought it with my own money, and you don't get a say.
George Sr.: As long as you live under my roof, I get plenty of say.
George Jr.: Fine. I'll move out.
George Sr.: And where you gonna go?
George Jr.: I'll live in the van.
George Sr.: [laughs] You know what? It was only a matter of time before you lived in a van. Have at it.
George Jr.: Scooby-Doo lived in a van, and he turned out fine.

Missy: Do you really see a dead body?
Meemaw: Sometimes.
Sheldon: How close do you get to it?
Meemaw: Real close, if you want.
Missy: And the clothes they're wearing, is that the clothes they become a ghost in?
George Jr.: Depends. In the movie Ghost, Patrick Swayze has on the outfit that he dies in. Casper runs around butt naked.
Missy: Maybe he died naked.
George Jr.: That's fun to think about.
Meemaw: And y'all wonder why you're not at the funeral.

George Jr.: With God as my witness, I've never been to the dog track in my life.
Meemaw: She knows.
George Jr.: Oh, I've been there a bunch.

George Jr.: Can I put on the game?
Missy: I don't care.
George Jr.: Sweet! What's your problem?
Missy: Did you ever go to a school dance?
George Jr.: One or two.
Missy: How'd you get Mom to let you?
George Jr.: Easy. Didn't ask her. By the way, that works for all kinds of stuff.
Missy: Well, it's too late. I already asked.
George Jr.: Rookie mistake.
Missy: Why can't we have a fun religion?
George Jr.: I don't think there is one.

George Jr.: Ooh. I'm in time for dinner. Good. 'Cause I have worked up an appetite.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, George, I can't thank you enough for this.
George Jr.: It was our pleasure.

George Jr.: Can I at least change the music we play here?
Dale: What's wrong with the music we play here?
George Jr.: Nothing, it's just kind of grandpa music.
Dale: Well, how is this "grandpa music"?
George Jr.: Do you listen to it?
Dale: Yeah.
George Jr.: Do you have grandchildren?
Dale: Yeah.
George Jr.: Do you see where I'm going with this?

George Jr.: I bet the guy who invented the spork is a millionaire.
Jana: I guess.
George Jr.: I wonder if his last name is Spork.
Jana: It comes from "spoon" and "fork." Spork.
George Jr.: Oh, my God. Mind is blown.

George Sr.: Hey, Georgie, you have any sentimental attachment to this town?
George Jr.: I don't know, why?
George Sr.: I'm just curious if, you know, we ever did pick up and live somewhere else, how you'd feel about it.
George Jr.: Well, if it was Hawaii, I'd feel pretty great. That's where they make Magnum, P.I.
George Sr.: I don't think Hawaii's in the cards.
George Jr.: How about Miami?
George Sr.: Let me guess, 'cause of Miami Vice?
George Jr.: Golden Girls.
George Sr.: Course.
Sheldon: Car.
George Jr.: I saw this one where Blanche dates this little guy who breaks up with her 'cause she's not Jewish. So good.
George Sr.: Forget about Miami and Hawaii and Blanche.

Ms. MacElroy: A simile directly compares two things, using the words "like" and "as". "I slept like a log." "I'm hungry as a horse."
George Jr.: "Your love is like bad medicine."
Ms. MacElroy: Exactly.
George Jr.: That's Bon Jovi.
Ms. MacElroy: Okay.
George Jr.: His hair is awesome.
Ms. MacElroy: Moving on.

Tam: So, for many years, my mother and my sisters and I were very poor and very often didn't have much to eat. Then, when he was released-
George Jr.: What'd they teach him at the reeducation camp?
Tam: How to be a communist.
George Jr.: Cool, like in Rambo.

Missy: Hey, Meemaw, next to Sheldon, who's smarter, me or Georgie?
George Jr.: Me, of course.
Missy: Why you?
George Jr.: My head's bigger.

George Jr.: You're not thinking about taking his advice, are you?
George Sr.: Never you mind.
George Jr.: But he's wrong. Everybody knows you punt on fourth down.
Sheldon: Why does everybody knowing something make it right?
George Jr.: Because. That's what makes this country great.

Mary: [to Sheldon] Don't worry, baby. I cut everything into bite-size pieces for you.
George Jr.: Maybe you could chew it up and spit it in his mouth.

George Jr.: You're really gonna leave these two alone?
Mary: Yes.
George Jr.: That's a brave choice.

George Jr.: You want to hang out Saturday?
Veronica: Can't. I signed up to get baptized.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah. I've been meaning to do that.
Veronica: Well, why don't you join me? We could do it together.
George Jr.: Sure. You and me, getting double dunked. I like it.
Veronica: Can you imagine afterwards? All of our sins will be washed away.
George Jr.: Yeah, and we can start cranking out fresh ones.

Veronica: Dustin broke up with me.
George Jr.: What?
Veronica: He said I was immature.
George Jr.: Is he crazy? Everything about you screams womanhood.

George Jr.: [on tape] So, most people think you need expensive machines to work out, but I just use free weights. To be clear, they ain't free. You got to buy them.
Mary: Are you watching yourself work out?
George Jr.: I made an exercise video.
Mary: Why?
George Jr.: To sell.
George Jr.: [on tape] That's very important. Next, we're gonna do curls. 'Cause, like I always say, curls get the girls.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
George Jr.: What?
George Jr.: [on tape] You want to remember: squeeze it at the top.
George Jr.: People like it when things rhyme.

Mary: What are you doing?
George Jr.: Having coffee.
Mary: Uh, no, not in my house.
George Jr.: Oh, come on, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
Mary: Put it down.
George Jr.: I can't drink coffee, I can't chew tobacco, is there anything I can do?
Mary: Yeah, quit talking.