Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Meemaw: Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know that word "hello" wasn't used as a greeting - until the invention of the telephone?
Meemaw: Hi, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: To end a phone call, it was suggested to say, "That is all."
Meemaw: Is that all, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I wanted to invite you to dinner tomorrow night.
Meemaw: Great. Where we going?
Dr. John Sturgis: I can't tell you that. It's a surprise.
Meemaw: You want to give me a clue so I'll know how to dress?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, dress as if you were going to a Mexican restaurant.
Meemaw: Oh, we're going to Puerta Roja.
Dr. John Sturgis: I can't tell you that, it would ruin the surprise.
Meemaw: John, you do realize that I'll be the one driving us there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine, we're going to Puerta Roja, but everything else is a surprise. That is all!

Dr. John Sturgis: See, this is why we're great together. You teach me about social etiquette, and I teach you about beaver anuses.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] It is magical.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know "ani" is also acceptable as the plural of "anus"?
Meemaw: And the magic continues.

Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know that there's a type of vanilla flavoring derived from the anal glands of the North American beaver?
Meemaw: That seems like a fact you could have shared before we started eating.
Dr. John Sturgis: It isn't used very often. I understand it's difficult to, uh, milk the little sacs.
Meemaw: Cool. Okay, new topic.

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon, if your pizza's too hot, put ice on it. That's what I did.

Missy: Mom, we're going to Chuck E. Cheese!
Mary: We're not going anywhere. It's almost your bedtime. Sorry, hon.
Missy: Well, all that matters is that I'm the winner.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Adult Sheldon: Actually, I was the winner. We spent the whole day doing everything I love: drafting contracts, arguing about rules, and most importantly, never leaving the house.

Meemaw: [on the phone] So John, I hear you're going camping this weekend.
Dr. John Sturgis: I am.
Meemaw: With the guy I'm dating.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. It was so nice of him to let me tag along.
Meemaw: And don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward?
Dr. John Sturgis: No more awkward than any other social situation I find myself in. I'm making my, uh, homemade GORP. Good old raisins and peanuts. I'll have to give you the recipe.
Meemaw: I think I can figure it out.