Meemaw: Do you- I- Do you mean you-you really don't want to see me anymore? [stammers] Don't I get a say in that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Um... No.
Meemaw: Really? I-I kind of think I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, if I'm single and have another episode, it only hurts me. If we're together, that hurts you, and I can't do that again.
Meemaw: I have been waiting for you this whole time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Just more proof that you're a wonderful woman and you deserve someone you can count on.
Meemaw: Ugh!
Dr. John Sturgis: How about Ira from the furniture store? He's a catch.
Meemaw: Now you're gonna play matchmaker for me?
Dr. John Sturgis: I suppose I am.
Meemaw: You realize I could call him right now.
Dr. John Sturgis: I think you should.
Meemaw: You better mean it, 'cause I'll do it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No time like the present.
Meemaw: I'm doing it. I'm dialing.
Dr. John Sturgis: Great.
Meemaw: It's ringing.
Dr. John Sturgis: Tell him I said hi.

Dr. John Sturgis: This is wonderful. Did you know the term "dive bar" originated because many establishments were below street level, and patrons had to essentially dive down to enter them.
George Sr.: Didn't know that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, now you do.

George Sr.: [on the phone] Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: George. John Sturgis here.
George Sr.: That's why I said "Hey, John."
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. I was wondering if we could go out for a beer and talk.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, aren't we talking right now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but we had so much fun last time, I thought we could do it again.
George Sr.: Gee, John, last time, you got drunk and threw up in my glove compartment.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did I? [laughs] Well, while I don't remember any of that happening, I promise to be on my best behavior. And the drinks are on me.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, the university has taken notice of Sheldon's talents, and they would very much like him to enroll full-time.
George Sr.: Yeah, we've been down this road, John. Sheldon's only ten. Mary and I both have jobs. We just can't make it work.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's why they asked me to speak to you. They're looking to sweeten the pot. That's a gambling metaphor. A lesser-known version is "sweeten the kitty." I assume the difference is regional, but I'm no etymologist. This beer is yummy. Mmm!

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I suppose I'll see you after class?
Meemaw: I suppose you will.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, didn't she used to walk you to your seat?
Sheldon: She did, but she was younger then.
Dr. John Sturgis: That makes sense.

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering phone] Hello.
George Sr.: Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, George. Uh, you just caught me on my way out to a party with people. A people party.
George Sr.: Sure. Hey, listen, I just wanted to let you know that my schedule opened up, and if you still want to hang out, you could come over on Saturday and watch a game.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know if Saturday works for me. Uh...
George Sr.: Okay, well, you just let me know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wait! Saturday's fine. I'll be there.
George Sr.: [laughs] Okay. Have a good night.
Dr. John Sturgis: Goodbye!

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little nervous. You're the first ex-girlfriend I've ever been friends with. And you're also my first ex-girlfriend. And that's because you-
Meemaw: How about you just think of me as your friend?

Dale: Howdy. Can I help you?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, no, just browsing.
Dale: Yeah, well, any particular sport you might need that for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Depends. What the heck is it?
Dale: It's a cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: A cup? What kind of a cup has holes in it?
Dale: Well, it protects your private parts.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can see how that might be useful. Well, this has been very informative.
Thank you.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John here. I'm calling to confirm a time for beer and socializing this weekend.
George Sr.: Oh, damn. I forgot we had plans. Um, I'm actually going camping.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.
George Sr.: I'm real sorry. Uh, the invitation kind of came up last minute.
Dr. John Sturgis: You may not know this, but, um, I love camping.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. I spent a year backpacking through Asia.
George Sr.: I mean, I'd invite you along, but it's not really my trip. I'm going with Connie's friend Dale.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I'll just hang out with another friend this weekend.
George Sr.: Great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to make one first.

Man #1: Hey, there's my man! [cheering]
Man #2: The doctor's in the house!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, y'all!
Meemaw: Oh, boy.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm exploring the notion that time itself is quantized.
Sheldon: Interesting. That sounds like a step towards a unified field theory.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fingers crossed. Although I can't cross my fingers... arthritis. [laughs]

Dr. John Sturgis: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. It's Sheldon. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Dr. John Sturgis: Nah, just wondering what became of my career.
Sheldon: Oh. Should I call you back later?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no. I can be downtrodden and chat at the same time. What's up?

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary. I know this must be a hard decision for you. I can't tell you how to parent your child. I don't have children. But... I can tell you... that in all my years in academia, I've never seen a mind like Sheldon's. He's truly extraordinary. And if you let him come here, I promise we'll take good care of him.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer machine] Hello, Coopers. Dr. Sturgis here. This is a message for Mary. I have some news I need to share with you before Sheldon starts college. Please call me back. [answering machine beeps]
Sheldon: I wonder why he'd want to talk to you and not me.
Dr. John Sturgis: [answering machine beeps] Dr. Sturgis again. If Sheldon happened to hear that last message and is wondering why I'd want to speak to his mother first and not him... Excellent question! It's that kind of curiosity that makes him a true man of science. [answering machine clicks, beeps]
Sheldon: I'm a true man of science.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hello.
Mary: Hello, Dr. Sturgis. This is Mary Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.
Mary: So, what's going on? Everything okay?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, everything is quite good, actually. Well, for me, that is. Um... did you know there's a supercollider being built in Waxahachie, Texas?
Mary: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you know what a supercollider is?
Mary: Not really.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like a crash course? Which is humorous because it involves particles crashing into each other.
Mary: [on the phone] I'd like you to tell me what this has to do with Sheldon.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that part's less funny. I've taken a job there.

Meemaw: So how's everything going with your supercollider?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, up until Wednesday at 6:43, wonderful.
Meemaw: What happened at 6:43?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's when they fired me.
Meemaw: What? Why did they fire you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Eh, probably because of what happened at 6:14.
[flashback:]
Reporter: So, Dr. Sturgis, what would you say to local residents who are concerned about the supercollider's safety? Is there a chance that Waxahachie could be the next Chernobyl?
Dr. John Sturgis: Absolutely not. The supercollider is very different from a nuclear power plant. This can't melt down. The worst it could do would be to create a microscopic black hole.
Reporter: And what would that do?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's unlikely, but, uh, it could grow until it swallowed up the entire Earth. And possibly the Moon. Next question.

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been doing science all my life. [stammers] It's time for something else.
Meemaw: Like what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe scrimshaw? That's, uh, carving art into whale bone.
Meemaw: You really want to spend your day carving a whale bone?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know what else I'd do with it.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, you're a scientist. This is just silly.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie... I'm 72 and just lost my dream job. [chuckles] Right now, uh... I think I need to, uh... take a step back.
Meemaw: The Texan in me wants to say get back on the horse. But I won't.

[fantasy:]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Southern accent] To us, it'd be as normal as boots on a cowboy.
George Jr.: That is wild.
Missy: Dr. Sturgis is correct. If indeed we grew up in another universe, our sense of normality would be formed by that universe.
George Sr.: That's enough. There are no other universes. The Bible tells us God created the Earth, not the Earths.
Mary: Ugh, why did I have to marry a preacher?
George Sr.: Because it was God's will to bless us with union.
Mary: I hope it's his plan that I hit the clubs tonight, 'cause that's gonna happen. [laughs]
Sheldon: Why am I the only normal one in this family?
Missy: If you're the only normal one, statistically speaking, you're abnormal.
George Jr.: [chuckles] Freak.

[fantasy:]
Meemaw: John, I'm sorry, I don't mean to push, but I just, I worry about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You do?
Meemaw: Of course. You know I care about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: That means a lot. The truth is, if I could live in an alternate universe, I'd live in one where we never broke up. I hope it's okay to say that.
Meemaw: It is. Because I wish it, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
[reality:]
Meemaw: John? John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh?
Meemaw: If you could live in an alternate universe, what would it be?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I haven't really given it any thought.

Meemaw: Thank you for walking me home.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's the gentlemanly thing to do. Although to be honest, if we were attacked, I'd be counting on you to get us out of it. [Meemaw chuckles]