Meemaw: [on the phone] Listen, I want to warn you about Dale. He's kind of a guy's guy. Sometimes his sense of humor can be a little mean-spirited. Just don't let it hurt your feelings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you don't have to worry about me. We physicists are no strangers to smack talk. I once told Dr. Linkletter he wouldn't know a randomized trial if it crawled up his sphincter.

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Meemaw: Uh, so, uh, what do you say about 6:00?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a date.
Meemaw: Terrific.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, um, let's not mention this to Sheldon so as to keep him from being underfoot.
Meemaw: Have you been talking to him?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have. See you later.

Meemaw: And how I handle Ira is my business!
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope you do it gently. He's very vulnerable these days.
Meemaw: You're friends now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I wouldn't say friends, but I could see, over time, you know, we might-

George: So, what's up? You comin' to me to ask for Connie's hand in marriage?
Dr. John Sturgis: No. But if that were to come to pass, are you authorized to bless the union?
Meemaw: He was joking.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh.

Meemaw: Will you keep an eye on 'em?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I'll try, but if they start running, you may never see them again.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for agreeing to the early-bird dinner. When I eat too late, the food just sits right here.
Meemaw: Yeah, gettin' old is no party.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I've had this problem since I was ten. When I was in grade school, my nickname was Old Burpy.
Meemaw: Well, I will not be calling you that.
Dr. John Sturgis: You can if you'd like.
Meemaw: I'm good.

Dr. John Sturgis: Are-are you all right?
Meemaw: No, I'm very nervous.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's interesting. Normally, I'm the one who's unsure of himself in a social situation, but tonight, it's you.
Meemaw: Yeah. Frickin' fascinating.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Bonnie. You see that? I made a joke about it.
Meemaw: Never do it again.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, ma'am.

Sheldon: Wait here. I'm going to go get some ice for your head and I'll fix you a hot beverage.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. There's a, there's an Earl Grey tea bag in the sink. I think it still has some oomph in it.

Sheldon: Boy, it's a good thing we did this trial run.
Dr. John Sturgis: No kidding.

Meemaw: And I remember how cute you looked in your little pearl snap shirt with your bolo tie.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I'd say it wasn't my first rodeo, but it was.
Meemaw: Thank you for a wonderful year.
Dr. John Sturgis: To many more.
Meemaw: To many more.

Meemaw: Are we good?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. But if I should pre-decease you I want you to have the ring.
Meemaw: Fine.
Dr. John Sturgis: It'll be in the top right corner of my dresser drawer.
Meemaw: Got it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [CRYING] Under my tube socks.

Dr. John Sturgis: A nickel. That's a silly bet.
Meemaw: It's 50 bucks.
Dr. John Sturgis: A thousand nickels. Less silly.