Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

Dale: Georgie, did I ever... tell you why I got married so young?
George Jr.: You were in love?
Dale: No, because, when I was your age, I bought a similar vehicle.
George Jr.: Cool. What was it?
Dale: Just get dressed.
George Jr.: Okay.

Dale: You go to church, don't you?
Meemaw: Yeah, when I'm not hungover.
Dale: Well, maybe I'll go with you sometime.
Meemaw: Really? You?
Dale: Yeah, I was thinking a little religion might do me some good.
Meemaw: Well, good for you. [chuckles] I was thinking it was a fajita night.
Dale: Your daughter runs a Bible study, doesn't she?
Meemaw: Uh-huh.

Dale: Cheers. How is it?
Meemaw: Good. Yours?
Dale: A little watery.

Waiter: Can I get y'all started with some drinks?
Meemaw: Yeah. Uh, margaritas?
Waiter: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Split a pitcher?
Dale: Mm, no, I think I'm okay.
Meemaw: More of a beer night?
Dale: No, not really. I'm gonna take a little break. I'll just stick with water.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, you know, I don't do my best thinking after I've been drinking. [laughs]

Dale: Oh. Hold on. Hold on. Your chair, milady.
Meemaw: "Milady"? Where did that come from?
Dale: I don't know. My brain.
Meemaw: [laughs]

George Jr.: Why you back so soon?
Dale: None of your business. How'd it go yesterday?
George Jr.: It was good. Until it wasn't.
Dale: What do you mean?
George Jr.: I was helping a customer, and I guess I forgot to close the register, 'cause when I got back to it, all the money was gone.
Dale: Are you kidding me?
George Jr.: I screwed up.
Dale: Did you call the police?
George Jr.: I didn't want to get them involved. But I was gonna make it right. Here, take it. So we good?
Dale: You're fired.
George Jr.: R-Really?
Dale: Get out of my store now.

Dale: I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.
Missy: Meemaw told you?
Dale: She's my girlfriend. You know, we talk about stuff.
Missy: So, all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?
Dale: I was just being nice.
Missy: Since when are you nice?
Dale: Well, don't get used to it. Just go strike out your boyfriend.

Meemaw: So how you feel about not pitchin' Missy?
Dale: Why would I do that?
Meemaw: Well, she's growin' up and she's going through some new stuff...
Dale: Oh, I don't want to hear about that.
Meemaw: No, no, no, she's... She's got a crush on a boy on the other team, and she's worried that if she strikes him out, that it will embarrass him.
Dale: Well, that's too bad, she's our pitcher. She's gonna do her job.
Meemaw: Well, she's also an 11-year-old girl with big feelings.
Dale: And I'm a cranky old man with no feelings.
Meemaw: Well, I've always thought that underneath that tough exterior, there was a shred of compassion.
Dale: Yeah, I know what you're doing.
Meemaw: What am I doing?
Dale: You're using your feminine wiles to get your way.
Meemaw: Mm-mm-mm. Smart and handsome.
Dale: You forgot tall.

Meemaw: So, you playin' the Tigers on Saturday?
Dale: Should be an easy win. Their best player's parents are getting a divorce. He's pretty distracted.
Meemaw: Well, there's a lucky break.
Dale: I just hope it drags out through playoffs.

Dale: So, as long as we're on the subject, are you seeing anybody else?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: How about that nutty professor?
Meemaw: We're just friends.
Dale: Yeah, well, that's what June and I are... just friends.
Meemaw: So what are we?
Dale: I don't know. What do you want to call it?
Meemaw: I guess, a... committed relationship.
Dale: Mm. Works for me.
Meemaw: Okay. It's settled.
Dale: ... Connie. This relationship is suffocating me. [chuckles]

Meemaw: So, you talk to June lately?
Dale: Uh, not in a couple of days. Why?
Meemaw: Oh, no reason. I was just kind of thinking about calling her myself. I mean, if you're okay with that.
Dale: You want to call my ex-wife, go ahead. Call her.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
Dale: Yeah, you would.
Meemaw: Yeah, I would.

Meemaw: I think it's nice that y'all get along as well as you do.
Dale: Mm-hmm. Where are we going with this?
Meemaw: Oh, just nothing. Makin' conversation.
Dale: Okay.
Meemaw: You sleeping with her?
Dale: Lord, no. She's my ex-wife. Come on. Oh, my gosh, what kind of sicko sleeps with their ex-wife? Where is this coming from? Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No. I'd just like to know, you know, what kind of relationship we're in. I mean, are we seeing other people or what?
Dale: Connie Tucker, are you asking me to go steady?
Meemaw: You know what I'm asking, jackass.
Dale: [chuckles] All right, all right, all right. You listen to me. Now, I'm 72 years old. Do you think I have enough stamina to go playing around with other women?
Meemaw: You saying the only reason you're seeing me is you're too old and tired to see anybody else?
Dale: [sighs] Give me the Tums.

Meemaw: She spent 18 years with you. I'd rather learn from her.
Dale: So you can dig up a little dirt on me?
Meemaw: Mm, yeah.
Dale: Well, let me spoil it, then. She's gonna tell you about the time I had a little too much to drink on Halloween and I ended up puking in my son's candy bucket.
Meemaw: I bet she tells it better.
Dale: Then there was the time we had a fight - and I locked her out in a hailstorm.
Meemaw: Damn.
Dale: But in my defense, when I locked her out it, it was raining. The hail was heaven-sent.
Meemaw: You're a charmer.

Dale: I-I just don't understand why you want to go out with her.
Meemaw: You don't? She seems like fun.
Dale: Well, yeah, she is, until you marry her and then you find her sleeping upside down in the closet. No, I mean, seriously. You don't think that having drinks with my ex-wife is a little weird?
Meemaw: You went camping with John.
Dale: Oh, it was weird.

Dale: Way to go. Perfect.
Missy: Thank you, God.
Dale: How about, "Thank you, Coach"?
Missy: Thank you, Coach.
Dale: Too late.

Mary: So, how are you enjoying your first meal with our family?
Dale: Well, everybody's mean. I love it.

George Sr.: [on the phone] That might be a little weird. It-it's Connie's ex.
Dale: Boy, he didn't impress me as a camping type.
George Sr.: Uh, well, actually, he was hinting around about going. Claims to be an outdoorsman.
Dale: Really? Oh, hey, I'd like to see that. Bring him along.
George Sr.: You sure?
Dale: Yeah. Hell, if we get caught in a freak snowstorm, he'll be the first one we eat. Be like an appetizer.

Dale: [on the phone] Don't worry. I know how to get along with people.
Meemaw: Knowing how and doing it are two different things.
Dale: Okay, okay. I-I'll be nice.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dale: To your goofy little friend.