George Sr.: This sure is a sweet setup.
Dale: Well, now, thank you very much.
George Jr.: This thing is nicer than our house.
George Sr.: It's not nicer than our house.
Dale: Well, don't be too sure now. I got microwave and air-conditioning. I got a stack of old Playboys back there in the bathroom.
George Sr.: Okay, maybe.

George Sr.: Hey, there's John up here on the right.
Dale: Are you sure that's not a garden gnome?

Dr. John Sturgis: Dale?
Dale: No, I think I know how to fish, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like it.
Dale: Well, maybe that's because all your talking is scaring the fish away.
Dr. John Sturgis: Evidence suggests your theory is incorrect.
Dale: Well, evidence suggests I need another beer.

Dale: Boy, for a little guy, he's fast, ain't he?

Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!

Dale: My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face-first on the plate, lost a tooth, we won the game. Get this. He finds the tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom. [Meemaw is silent] That's it? You don't understand. He found the tooth-
Meemaw: I got it.

Dale: Well, I mean, how'd you meet this guy? What, did you try to steal his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Meemaw: Okay, okay, he's a very sweet man.
Dale: Well, I bet he is.
Meemaw: If you must know, he's Sheldon's college professor.
Dale: Smart, short and weird well, that's the whole package right there.
Meemaw: Hey, okay, that's enough.
Dale: Well, I got to ask. Do you feel like you're dating a supermodel right now?

Meemaw: Hmm. "I overstepped the bounds of friendship. Sorry. John." [answering phone] Hello?
Dale: So, why in the hell would your ex-boyfriend send me a giant cookie?

Dale: Georgie, I want you to keep an eye on that weirdo over there.
George Jr.: I know that weirdo. He used to date my meemaw.
Dale: That guy?
George Jr.: Yeah, he's, like, super smart.
[As Dr. Sturgis hits the cup he's positioned over his private parts with a ping pong racket]
Dale: I'm not sure I believe you.

George Jr.: You're a really good salesman.
Dale: Well, yeah. Not only that, I get a kickback on everybody I send down to Ed's.
George Jr.: You're awesome.
Dale: I know.

George Jr.: Scuse me. You Mr. Ballard?
Dale: Yeah, that'd be me.
George Jr.: I'm Georgie, Connie Tucker's grandson.
Dale: Oh, yeah. The hair. Very pretty.

Meemaw: Oh, my grandson's been wanting some weights.
Dale: Sheldon? Hell, can't he just lift a soup can or something?
Meemaw: The other grandson. The pretty one with the hair.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Dale: Hey, Missy. Why don't you get out there and start warming up?
Missy: Okay.
Dale: And you must be Sheldon. Your grandmother told me all about you.
Sheldon: We're going to RadioShack.
Dale: Yeah, she didn't lie.

George Sr.: At least let her throw a few. She got a hell of an arm.
Dale: George, you're a football coach, right?
George Sr.: Mm-hmm.
Dale: You gonna put a girl on your team?
George Sr.: It's different. It's a contact sport.
Dale: So is this. She gets up to bat, and someone deliberately throws a ball at her, it's gonna make contact.
George Sr.: You're not even gonna give her a chance?
Dale: No.
George Sr.: Come on, let's get out of here. I'm sorry, honey.
Missy: It's not your fault.
Dale: Bye-bye.

George Sr.: You want to see what she can do?
Dale: I want to see her go home.
George Sr.: Sorry?
Dale: Come on, I'm not gonna put a girl on the team.
George Sr.: Why not?
Dale: Why not? She's a girl. She's got pigtails.